I [don't] Believe in Adoption

As long as I can remember I've wanted to become mother to children in need of mothering.

I've been into adoption for a long time. I believed in it long before I knew much about it. The more I learn, the less confident I am.

I thought adoption was as simple as child needs mother, mother provided via adoption. Lately I toss and turn at night, wracked with confusion and inner dissonance between what I'm reading and what I believe.

Here's what I'm currently hearing from the sources I read:

Adoptees are hurt to the core by the experience of losing their first mother. Whether they realize it or not, they are incomplete, wounded, and adrift. Even if they say they're happy and adjusted, that is only a surface emotion, floating above a world of pain.

Parents who place children for adoption are living with unimaginable pain and  "getting  by" is as good as it will ever get.

White people, adopting children of color, domestically and internationally are (still) waging cultural genocide, and acting out another scene in white aggression and annihilation of non-Eurocentric culture.

Adopting because you want a child is selfish.

Adopting because you want to help a child in need is false altruism and yet another situation where the privileged benefit from the plight of the destitute.

What it comes down to, in what I am reading, is that a child should never be separated from their first parent, a child should never be adopted, and adoption is never as good enough as an intact family. And I agree.

Enter REALITY:

Wars makes orphans
Disease makes orphans
Abuse disrupts families
Problems in our societies disrupt families, or prevent families from being formed
Not all children are able to stay in their original families

So what then? What do we do with all of the literature that says this doesn't work and we shouldn't be doing it?

You see, to me, those are the facts. But, my beliefs tell me something different, something contrary. I  believe:

God puts the lonely ones into families
Each child should have a family
If a family isn't available to a child in their bloodline-neighborhood-state-country-continent, you just keep looking until a good one shows up.
We should fight for justice
We should fight for equality
Whatever any individual needs, God is able to provide
Whatever wounds exist can be healed

I feel like I am on the rack, being pulled between two paradigms. I was reading a book about Mother Theresa's life and faith and it talked about recognizing the difference between a society where evaluations are made based on science and fact, and a life lived based on faith and hope. It is because I have a foot in each reality that I [don't] Believe in Adoption.

Should I adopt?

Not when it can be avoided and as often as I am able.

Comments

[cloudscome]

Oy.

One thing: tolerance of ambiguity is a good thing. I think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambiguity_tolerance

[Tamara Cosby]

Wow. Powerful stuff. Thanks for the thoughts to absorb. I have had the amazing experience of observing adoption from two different friends, I can see the love/stress/possible hate decision you are going through from a much less emotional place, which is both fortunate for me and unfortunate for me. I have always had a strong desire to adopt, especially a special needs child...after much prayer, we will make that decision. Not this moment, but for sure when the other children are slightly older...they need to know this is another family member, not an adopted child for us...at least, that is how I think I feel...

[abebech]

This is really difficult. I
do believe that infant adoption requires reform, and the most scrutiny of all the possibilities. There, the occurrence far outstrips the real need.

But I also wrote awhile back about my transracial, transnational adoption (I haven't been blogging lately) being the "fifth best option" for my daughter, in theory:

1.n-family/f-family
2.kinship care
3.same race, same country
4.different race, same country/culture
5.different race/different country/culture

Options 1-4 were not available to Miss I. And while I might be fifth best in theory, I know I'm darn good in practice.

Am I going to be able to defend my decision to adopt to all members of the triad, including myself, on every day? No. But I can look the adult Miss I. in the eye and say it couldn't have been another way. And that's going to have to be good enough.

So I suppose I also [don't] believe in adoption, and I know we'll be doing it again.

[tmez]

Okay, I was nervous about our girl coming home and how I could help her become a confident, whole and healed, woman with a destiny for greatness and not make her feel like an out of place freak in the suburban, middle-class white family in a new country. I'm even more unsure. I am only sure that I can throw myself at the feet of God and beg Him to perform a miracle in all of us. You are an amazingly gifted writer. Thank you for sharing. There is so much for me to learn.

[alice]

Yes. To me, this issue is like a lot of other issues whose causes are preventable - working to prevent the issue/problem from developing in the first place needs to happen. AND dealing with the current realities of the issue also needs to happen.

Refusing to take part in problematic adoptions, *when the forseeable future offers no alternative for the children in question* is not a stance I'm willing to take. Participating in adoption while working to eliminate the need for it is.

[Bethany]

Thanks so much for putting so much of my muddy thoughts into such succinct, well developed words. I greatly appreciate this post. From another 5th best option who will be doing this again!

[Kat]

I'm such a fan of your blog, and I love the last line here. Adoption isn't perfect. If the world were perfect, my husband and I wouldn't have had trouble getting pregnant. No mother would not be able to care for her newborn baby. Every baby would have a family who loves and cherishes him/her rather than abusing or neglecting. But, this isn't the world. And like you, my life isn't lived through cold fact; it's lived through faith. Beautiful post!

[AFF]

Wonderful - just a wonderful statement and entry and idea. Thank you for putting it into words.

[Margie]

This really nails the paradox of adoption. What are the answers? I don't know. All anyone living adoption can do is keep searching.