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12 November 2007

Comments

cloudscome

I feel this same type of jumble and confusion. I think we have to be willing to feel it and think it through, in order to find our way to anything solid. Hang in there.

erinthebeekeeper

I could have written this post almost word for word. Praying for you!

Amie R

So do you like Coffee, Tea or Beer??? I need to get out of the house with no kids, and I think an evening over drinks with you sounds like perfect reason to do so!!!

alice

I think I remember you mentioning adopting an older child in the US as a potential solution to this. I know those kids are often labeled 'special needs', so I don't know if you've reconsidered and excluded that possibility, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on it either way. (It's the route I'm most inclined towards when we get to the point of adopting, but I know it's far from perfect.)

I think that one of the often unacknowledged truths about adopting is that you are always introducing happiness to your family which is linked to suffering. I personally don't think that you can ever separate the loss from the gain, because it will always be a part of the story. Being comfortable with the way in which you approach and include the loss in your lives is the ever-so-tricky part, though.

Kohana

Alice, I think I still feel most confident in pursuing the foster-to-adopt route, even though there are problems in that system. However, if we are living abroad, I don't think that will really be possible. The Captain suggested investigating adopting from foster care in Australia and I think I will try to find what I can on that. We won't be citizens there so I don't know if it is possible or not.

I think most, if not all, children that have been adopted will have special parenting needs because of the losses they have experienced. The 'special needs' I don't feel equipped to handle are major medical needs and mental retardation. I think our next adoption might be of an older (but not school aged) child.

You are right, approaching and including the loss inherant in adoption is so difficult. And my son is only two, we're far from the stuff I imagine to be most difficult.

Kat

I'm sure most adoptive parents can so closely identify with this post. Before our experience with Lily's birthmom, I will admit that I was one of those "adoption is 100% happy" people. I saw it as a child needing a mommy and that was it. After becoming so emotionally attached to the birth family, I feel so differently. I know my daughter might some day question why we were the family to adopt her. But, it's so hard to imagine not being her mom. I feel 100% her mom - I even have moments where I can't imagine that she didn't come from me because I feel so connected to her. Perhaps it is because we adopted her domestically and were with her from the second of her birth.

It's great to be able to have a place to talk about all these things and people to talk with who understand the struggles.

louise

It is really hard. All we can do is take one step at a time, and ask for God's wisdom and grace as we make these lifechanging decisions. I guess that applies to life in general, but adoption especially. ;-)

paragraphein

Well... there is a small part of that post you linked that does say it's not as simple as saying relinquishment=sad and adoption=happy.

In a way I think I may have done a disservice to some people with that post. Keep meaning to follow up on it. Joy has stated over and over that adoption itself is not pain-free. So I guess what I'm saying with this is (really, I do have a point, am not trying to make you feel guilty): you're not crazy, adoption itself IS complicated and there are some problems there, too.

I don't know what the answer is. Not being an adoptive parent or adoptee, I want to say... weigh the pros and cons for the child... and if the cons of not being adopted outweigh the cons of being adopted... then it's okay.

Realistically, I know this is not a math equation, and I know what happened for ME when I tried to treat relinquishment that way.

It is all just so hard. Wish I had answers.

Just want you to know that no matter what you end up doing, I admire you and thank you for wrestling with these questions. You're not letting your desire blind you, and that is the most important part of getting an ethical adoption... that will lead you to an ethical adoption.

Yes, your child might still feel anger or hurt over even an ethical adoption.People are like that. They have their own feelings, regardless of our intent. I can't vouch for what helps an adoptee with that, but I can tell you what works for me, and what I believe works with the human race... being allowed to have the feelings, being validated.

I honestly think if you do that, Small Sun is not going to reject you. Might still have some sadness and anger, but he will also love you.

(((Hugs)))

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