Recently I've been receiving a lot of emails and messages asking me about adoption. Since I have not been talking about adoption so much lately, I thought I would do an Adoption101 type of post to address some of those questions I've been receiving.
My views on adoption have changed and developed and changed again over time, and I suspect that is pretty much what the journey will look like! Each time I think I know my "position" on things, and have my opinions all outlined, I learn something new and different. What I believe today is different than what I believed two years ago, is vastly different than what I believed before we adopted. Forgive me now for contradictions and complexity - adoption is full of them.
These are some questions I would have over coffee, if we could sit down and hang out.
Why do you think you want to adopt?
Recently I read some guidelines for ethical adoption (and now I can't find them!), and one really stood out to me. The author recommended "find out what type of children need to be adopted, and pursue adopting one of those children."
That is really challenging, isn't it. The children who are waiting to be adopted are often older, they have special needs, they are siblings groups, and in most cases, they don't fit into the lives we are living, or our daydreams about a happy family unit.
I'm not saying babies don't need to be adopted, and I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just saying that I am challenged by that statement.
I think it is really good to look at adoption from the angle of meeting a child's needs, and spending a lifetime serving them with humility and faith. Adoption is like a life-long ministry. You get so much out of it, and you give so much as well.
Have you thought about the impact that being placed for adoption, or abandoned, or removed by social workers has on a child?
Being adopted is a one-time thing that happens before a judge, but being an adoptee is a life-long journey that can be complex and difficult. Adoptees are the best people to teach you about their experiences.
What do you think happens to a woman after she surrenders or loses a child to adoption?
Again, blogs, books, stories by women who have lived this experience are so impacting. I think hearing these stories is a powerful way to tear down the line between "us" and "them". Lisa at One Thankful Mom has been writing an amazing series about her own experience as a woman whose son was adopted. It is not easy to read. Redemption comes, but there is a lot of pain before it does.
What do you think it is like to grow up in a family that looks different than you?
In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories is a book that I have found to be profoundly insightful.
If you have a relationship with God, what is God telling you?
What does your support system look like?
What if the child you adopt doesn't fit your expectations?
Adoption is much more complex than I perceived it to be before we adopted. I completed 300 hours of volunteering at an agency. I read every book in their library. I led waiting adoptive parent support groups. I was present at placement ceremonies, and at court to support women relinquishing their rights. I studied a hundred family dossiers and profiles. I met numerous expectant mothers considering adoption. I spend many hours on adoption web boards and chat rooms. I read blogs.
I had NO IDEA.
All that experience wasn't my child. It wasn't his other family. Until it got real, it just wasn't.
Even so, I'd say read all you can and talk to as many different people in the adoption traid (adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive parents) as you can. Read as many different kinds of stories as you can (good, bad, and ugly). If you have a relationship with God, pray, pray, and pray some more, and ask for guidance as to what you should do.
Here are some blogs that I wish I had known about when we were in the beginning of our journey. I also read alot of beautiful pro-adoption blogs but I want to highlight these because they bring some real substance to the discussion when it comes to attachment, ethics, mixed race families, openess, older child adoption, and more.
Harlow's Monkey - closed now, but the archives are still available
There are so many fantastic resources surrounding adoption, and we have experienced adoption to be an amazing thing in our family. I am happy to keep talking about it and answering questions as they come!
Loved this one - so revealing about your make-up and the journey you've had. You're quite an amazing woman!
Posted by: Adelle | 19 February 2012 at 06:48 AM