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19 January 2013


Amanda Swanson Friese

I almost commented on your last post, but decided against it at the time. As you know, it can be hard to know what to say in a "public" place like a blog that is detailed enough to give a good sense of the truth of the story, but vague enough to maintain privacy.

We have an open adoption relationship with our youngest son's first mom and her kids. It's been about 95% percent joy and love and easy contact. And about 5% total confusion and grief. We have not had another parent appear out of nowhere, but we have had some adjustment with the births of his two sisters whom his first mom is parenting. He tells us sometimes what he imagines his life would be like with them. No chores and being an adored older brother of two little sisters, rather than a much-used younger brother who has to contribute his age-appropriate share of help to the household! Usually we listen and say things like, "It's interesting to think about how things might be different!" I'm not always sure if/when I ought to let his imagination roam on this, or inject at least a bit of reality in there. Sometimes he's been so completely sad not to be with them, it's heartbreaking. He's a bit of a writer and goes through phases of journaling which is awesome and facinating to me. He's written a few things about his first family like, "Sometimes I can't believe this is really my life. I'm sad that I miss my sisters." Complete with sad face illustration. (Augh...) Recently his first mom and his sisters have been going through an especially rough time and have been living in a shelter. We have not told him that and I don't think for now that we will. He would be really worried about them. It doesn't seem like something that's essential for him. Mostly what's important to us is that he know that, even when adoption and families are hard to understand, WE love him and THEY love him, and it's fine for him to love all of us too. Right now at eight years old we have the option to withhold some hard things, but that won't always be the case. Anyway, a different situation than yours and Small Sun's, but I wanted to contribute a bit of our story and wish you the best as you navigate this change with your son.

(How about carpooling? Any way you can arrange at least one day when you don't have to do all that driving?)


Sounds like a doozy!
What about picking up some language discs? This is hard to do with the kids but could also be engaging for them if you can find a way to pique their interest in it. And if not could be something to preoccupy yourself with. Besides, the faces you might get from people next to you as they observe you talking to yourself could prove quite entertaining. ;]

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