Walk Careful, Now

Sometimes the biggest moments in life come as surprises, changing everything in a blink.

Not long ago a letter arrived in the mail. A letter from Small Sun's first dad. 

We have never had any contact with Small Sun's dad. I won't go into how or why on the internet, but we just didn't. Actually, we have known so little about him, we haven't had much to satisfy Small Sun's growing curiosity.

Now, out of the blue, Small Sun's first dad knows our full names and adress, and has initiated contact. We have made every effort to make ourselves available, should contact with him ever be an option but we didn't know if it ever would be, and the decision was out of our hands.

To be honest, I am having trouble processing this turn of events. It is also rocking Small Sun in a pretty significant way. 

Not only has his fictitious image of his first dad just been confronted with a real first dad, he is also processing some details about his placement and first family situation that we didn't anticipate him knowing until later on. When the letter showed up and he started asking questions, we decided to answer him honestly, and go from there.

Small Sun is seven and a half. Aside from developmental readiness, how do you ever know when your child can handle intense life experiences? Naturally, he is imagining a future that heavily involves his first dad. He imagines us all living together somehow, and his first family forming a cohesive unit that does not exist in reality. 

He presses us, eagerly, and often, about when and how we will spend time with his first dad. When can he come to our house? Can they go biking together? 

Our relationship with Small Sun's first mom is built on history and mutual trust. We don't have a relationship with his first dad. I was actually shocked that he contacted us directly instead of through the agency somehow. 

I don't know how to convey to Small Sun how much we support him knowing his first dad, but that he is also essentially a stranger that we have to get to know over time. It's not like we will just drop him off for a father-son camping trip at the first opportunity.

I also struggle with parts of the letter, and the way I feel personally when I read them.

There are just so many dynamics of the situation that are extremely challenging. Again, details I won't outline here, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Small Sun has a caring, devoted, and amazing father - The Captain. At the same time he carries the wounded heart of a child who was abandoned by his dad. It is a bizarre combination to see in a person. He idolizes and admires and loves The Captain, but I know he identifies with his first dad in a very deep way.

We are doing our best to walk him through this season, processing new information, and working towards a future relationship, but it is all so new and surprising. We're trying to walk things out well, nurturing Small Sun and honoring his first family, and it is not an easy task.

 

Comments

[Rebeccah]

Wow! I'm a long-time reader, and rarely comment. But this is huge news. Even as strong as your family is, the sudden addition of a first parent has to shake your world up. We've had no contact whatsoever with our son's first father, and I know it would definitely cause joy/ shock/ fear/ upheaval if he turned up when my son is SmallSun's age. Iest of luck to your family as you navigate these uncharted waters!

[Alice Anne]

I have struggled with how to eventually explain to our son that his birth father wanted nothing to do with him. Stories like this give me a little hope that it won't always be this way and maybe we'll be pleasantly surprised one day. We'd then have to tread carefully, I'm sure. But any contact would be better than no contact ever. At this point I would just be happy with a picture of his birth dad. :/ Adoption can be so tricky. Good luck with finding the right words to say. And yay for contact! That really is happy news, even if it brings with it more murky adoption waters. Heh.

[Della]

Sweet sis,

I'm in the same boat perhaps as some. Although I read this right after you posted, the gravity kept me from responding immediately. I can only imagine what it is for you.

Despite how hard it must be, and a struggle to determine what is best for Small Sun, I applaud you wholeheartedly for your honesty with him. Although it is all new territory, your research, wisdom and insight I'm sure of, even if you aren't at the moment. I imagine that even though parts of this process will be painful, Small Sun will be grateful as he grows older that he was aware of each aspect of the situation. By giving him knowledge, you are empowering him to navigate his emotions and his situation, which is and will continue to be an invaluable tool throughout his life, one that I'm sure he will always be grateful for.

I continue to be impressed by you and your navigation of an ever-challenging aspect of your lives. I know sometimes it's hard to see how fabulously you're doing, but it's not lost on the rest of us.