Vision

My brother was the first person to teach me how to drive. I can remember being behind the wheel and feeling like the curb was roaring up at me, then the lane divider on the other side was way too close. I swerved from one to the other, feeling trapped in an impossibly small space.

"Don't look at the curb. Don't look at the lines. Look where you're going and you won't hit either one."

My brother's advice has saved me many a side-swipe when driving in tight spaces, but it has also guided me in life. 

Parenting B, our current foster child, I often feel like I am being pummelled between pillar and post. Over the last month or two I feel like my parenting him became reactionary to his behavior. Like my early driving, the closeness of the curb sent me into the neighboring lane, and I was in a constant swerve.

Over the last week or two I have felt a deepening conviction to lift my gaze, to re-find my vision.

When we had our first foster child, a premature baby from the hospital, I can remember being up with him in the night and feeling tired and over it all. In the dark winter nights I would feel God whisper into my reluctant heart, "you don't have to do this. I can find someone else. This is a gift I am giving to you, a privilege." 

It would pierce me every time and re-align my heart with Truth. Caring for the vulnerable child may feel like a burden, but it is actually an honor. In doing so, we get to walk under the shadow of the Creator's wings in a breathtaking way, if we have the vision to see it.

 This week I've been working on repenting. Not in a tearing my clothes and sackcloth and ashes kind of way, but in a "I'm sorry, I was wrong" kind of way. 

I had begun to hate caring for B, and resented his hurt spilling into all corners of our home. With this repentance, I am receiving a renewed vision. I am finding deeper affection. I am less hurt by the swirl, and I feel closer to the tender affection of the Father.

"Don't look at the curb. Don't look at the lines. Look where you're going and you won't hit either one."

 

Comments

[sarah b-d]

Love your analogy here A! I feel what you feel as I read your writing. Your care and love for B is evident to all, and I think to him too! You are doing a wonderful parenting job to all of your kids - I hope this encouragement gives you some more fuel for the tank! sbdx

[Katie]

Thank you for reminding me that parenting foster children is an honor and privilege. Many things I have forgotton these past 8 months while caring for our two little ones.