B's family's case is in its last day before the court today. In December court adjourned until March, so I don't know if there will be a ruling today or not.
I'd like to say that I am steady and calm, but the truth is that in the quiet moments, between the full ones, I feel like I have lost my stomach along the way. I have felt like I'm in a pressure cooker for days, and feel as if I could throw up at any moment.
I don't even know what I want, I just know that this loving and then releasing is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than childbirth, and harder than parenting.
I keep sidling up to Thee Captain becaues he is the eternal steady presence in our home, and his clear eyes calm me.
If you see me walking around breathing into a paper bag, just pat me on the back and remind me that it will all be okay in the end. I need to hear it.
Update: There was no ruling in court today. Evidently there will be a mention in court Monday, although I don't know what that means. It looks like I'll be needing the paper bag awhile longer.