Growing Family

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Actually, good people make good neighbors.

The house behind us is immaculately presented from the street, without a weed or stray piece of gravel to be found. They are downhill from us and we have seen them spend the last months putting in a gorgeous hand-cut stone patio and entertaining area. It all looks good, but what I hear come over the fence is poison.

Several months ago the parents and their young daughter were outside. The girl seemed a bit grizzly and whiny, but within the norm for a young child. I heard the parents berate and accuse, threaten, and demean that girl for quite some time. The things they said to her broke my heart. In the end she was crying, and I think I was too.

It only happened that one time and I began to wonder, did I really hear what I thought I did? They seem like normal people. They have friends over for bbqs, they spend saturday afternoons puttering around the garden.

Today I was in the garden by myself and they were out in theirs. This time I became aware that they also have a little boy that the mother talks to with sweet enthusiasm, in addition to the daughter she kept snapping at. 

"All parents get worn out and are less kind than they should be." I thought. 

"You are being so naughty, you really are. You are three, and you are becoming so naughty." said the mom's antagonizing voice. 

"Great." I thought, as I hadn't heard the little girl whining or crying or throwing a tantrum. But then what I heard next left me standing still, garden tools forgotten, eyes stinging with rage.

"You're so naughty. I should put you up for adoption. Do you want me to do that? Do you want me to put you up for adoption? Do you want me to find another family for you? Because I can do that if you want!"

The girl made a small noise in the affirmative, I'm sure having no idea what her mother was talking about.

"You do want me to put you up for adoption? Okay, how about I put you out on the street with a sign around your neck saying 'up for adoption'? Let's do that."

I nearly climbed my peach tree to start yelling at her over the fence, but then realized that wouldn't matter to her and wouldn't make any difference anyway.

I don't know who I was more mad for, her little daughter that she was bullying and intimidating, or my children who might have overheard her sickening game, had they been outside at the time.

Later, after the mother had corralled her kids inside (I thought), I heard the little girl banging on the door and screaming hysterically. The mom came to the door and asked in a concerned voice "what's wrong? are you okay?" But then she continued with something like "was there someone there? Did a scary person come? Cause that's what happens when you don't come in with mommy right away. A scary person can come and take you and hurt you."

I hate people who make children feel small and vulnerable and afraid. I hate when adults use their power to bully and abuse children. It is one of the only times where I feel angry to the point of violence, furious to the point of rage, and unforgiving of the person's issues. Maybe she's bipolar or depressed or something, but no child should experience that kind of meanness from anyone, their mother least of all.

Would you report her to the Department of Children's Services? I know it wouldn't warrant an investigation, but it might set a precedent if someone else makes a report when the girl goes to daycare or preschool. I'm usually about giving people the benefit of the doubt, but at this point it is clear to me this woman is emotionally abusing her daughter.

 

 

Top 25 Adoptive and Foster Moms - 2012 list on Circle of Moms!

Imagine my surprise and delight when I received this in my email "Your blog Growing Family has been nominated to the Top 25 Adoptive and Foster Moms - 2012 list on Circle of Moms!"

I read so many of the other blogs nominated, and they contain so much rich wisdom and experience, in addition to lots of humor and fun.

Adoption and Foster Care are both amazing, and it is great to be part of a community while navigating the process, and life afterwards. 

You can vote once a day until April 26th, and I'd love to get my blog "out there" a little bit more, so please go vote for me! Thanks lovelies!

Vote for Me!

Keep Calm and Carry On

Well, I sure am glad to have the support network I told you about!

 Small Sun had been coughing at night and running a fever some nights, but was waking up fine and with plenty of energy in the morning. I kept sending him to school, even though I thought a day of rest would probably be a good idea. 

 Sunday I could see that he was really lagging and resolved to take him to the doctor after dropping Sprout off at school. Thankfully a friend had the baby and Finch at home, as I was supposed to take the 2 year old girl to daycare 45 minutes away from school.

 Our quick trip to the doctor turned into a trip to the radiologist for x-rays, which had to be collected two hours later, before taking the x-rays to the doctor to confirm - pneumonia.

 Oh my goodness. 

 That was yesterday. Since then, four out of five kids have been running fevers. The 2 year old, let's call her Blossom, had a pediatrician visit already scheduled for this morning. My same dear friend kept three kids at home while Sprout went to school and I took Blossom to her doctor. She has a virus. I think they all have a virus! Except Sprout, who is pirouetting through it all. 

 The Captain came home from work early today to take Small Sun back to the doctor. I just couldn't imagine taking five kids, four of the sick, to a small doctor's exam room. The Captain is such a rockstar husband, and doing foster care ONLY works for us because he does so much around here.

 The infection wasn't responding to the antibiotics so they doubled the dose and also recommended some medicine to clean the mucus out of his chest. So now he is choking down large amounts of foul tasting medicine like a champion. 

 This is the first time in his life that he has had antibiotics (unless he had some as a toddler that I've forgotten). I'm trying not to freak out about pneumonia and what if everyone else gets it...my poor baby.

 Foster care gets tricky when your own kids have some serious needs, and the foster children also have pressing needs. 

 Blossom missed daycare on Monday because by the time we got through the first two doctor visits it was noon and she was falling asleep in the car. 

 Today the girls' family contact visits were cancelled because of them being sick, but otherwise I would have had to load up my sick crew and drive them with me to the contact. I still haven't figured out how to balance it all. 

 Amidst all this, my heart is growing another layer of compassion as I nurture two new children with their specific needs and challenges, and hurts. I wonder if I'll ever get over the anger that rotten stuff happens to such little people? Probably not. 

 I am so aware of how vulnerable children are. They look to their parents to love them, provide for them, and meet their needs. When the parental relationship breaks down, they  are completely reliant on other people to do the right thing by them. They have no power, no say, no leverage. That poor little sweetheart was terrified at the doctor today, and all I could do was try to comfort her and tell her "I won't let anyone hurt you when you are with me." She has only known me for a few weeks but right now, as far as she is aware, I am all that is standing between her and things that she feels threatened by.

 It is so much to put on a little person. It is so much for them to bear. I just try to let peace and kindness be paramount in my every interaction with the girls. I can't imagine what it must be like to be so powerless. I want to do everything I can to contribute to their healing and stability, while they are with me. Even in the midst of fevers, and school runs, and pneumonia!

 

Community and Foster Care

This second experience with foster care has be thinking about the importance of a supportive community and how much that can impact the success of a placement.

I was dealing with some serious stress about this placement and I told my friends. I didn't tell them to pressure them into helping me. I told them because I was stressed and I think being honest is a really important key to making sure I don't end up depressed and overwhelmed on my own.

My friends have amazed me.

The girls have been with us four days. On the first day a precious friend offered to bring my older kids home from school, and deliver dinner to us as well. She followed through even though her own child stayed home sick from school that day, even arranging the little details like calling the school to make sure the kids knew they were riding with her, etc. Amazing.

The next day another friend offered to bring the kids home and said she could do the same several other days.

Yet another amazing friend gave me a list of days from her calendar and said "I can do whatever you need, for as long as you need, for as many of these days as you like. Just tell me."

Another amazing sweetheart said "these are the days I can get off of work early to come and help you with the bath/dinner/bedtime routine."

Tears are coming up just writing it down.

We are so blessed.

This abundance of thoughtful helpfulness has brought me over the line from being totally stressed, to enjoying having these girls with us. 

Not everyone can or should adopt or do foster care. However, if you want to support adoptive or foster care families and contribute to what they are doing, these kinds of offers of help can make a world of difference.

Other bloggers have written thorough and fantastic posts about what people can do to help, I just wanted to take a minute to honor the stunning people I have in my life who value me and what we are doing, not just with verbal affirmations, but with actions. I have never felt so surrounded.

My friends started lifting me up even before I started to drown. Is there someone in your life doing something you admire or want to support? I'm sure you can find a way to support them. You might never know how much of a difference your help might make!

Did You Hear Me Fall Off the Planet?

After my flurry of February photos it might have been noticeable when I suddenly went silent. Or maybe not? Here's what happened:

The phone company sent a letter about our line to THE WRONG ADDRESS (for the third time in the last 8 months), and when they received no response (Because we didn't receive it because we don't live at THE WRONG ADDRESS), they disconnected our phone line, and thus, our internet.

Then, when we had that sorted out, the internet provider said they would charge us a $90 switch on fee for activating a new service for us.

It took about a week and a half for them to get it all sorted out before our internet was restored.

You may have discovered that I am not a blogger who writes from her iPhone or takes her laptop to a cafe, or accepts creative offers of wifi genius from her husband. I don't have an iPhone or a laptop and if I could write a blog with a Bic pen on the back of a used envelope, that would be my preferred method of writing. Ahem.

So, moving on, here's the recent news:

1. The dog got another haircut and again resembles and overgrown mouse.

2. There are currently three children sleeping simultaneously downstairs. We are still working to transition two little girls to our place before they come to stay for three weeks of respite care starting next week. 

3. I have the most amazing friends in the universe, everyone is assembling with offers of help while we have the girls with us. Maybe because I look like I am about to LOSE MY MIND every time I talk about the logistics of adding two more (little) kids who have five (now four) days of recurring appointments scheduled every week.

4. My husband is good at talking me down when I get into the panic stratosphere. I am working at being good at talking myself down.

5. Things have been up and down with adoption lately. Bad news, bad news, good news! Local adoption (through foster care) seems to be out for sure, the wait in international has been mentioned to be 6-8 YEARS, but I think we qualify to apply for that luxurious process.

6. Some of our very best, best, bestest friends are coming from Nashville to Sydney, to play at the big country festival happening in The Hunter next weekend. I can't wait to see them!

7. Colour Conference is on the 15-17th and 22-24th. I won't get to attend very much of it this year, but I am still excited to be part of the community that supports the conference.

8. As usual with the change of seasons, I am homesick. It has been flooding all over NSW, but today is a sunny day with a crisp sky, and the morning was cool. One apple is starting to turn from rusty green to mauve on my tree.

More to come another day, internet permitting...

Fantastic Adoption Resource

I came upon a fantastic resource this week and I couldn't wait to share it with you.

Empowered to Connect has a website with resources, training opportunities, study guides, and amazing  video resources. I have already watched several of these videos and am so thankful to have found them.

The information they are sharing is so vitally important. If you are considering adoption, please go watch What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know and Counting the Cost. 

Over the years I've gone from being a vocal adoption advocate to always being the one to raise the challenges in adoption in every conversation. I think I probably come across as anti-adoption to many people.

These resources really help articulate what I want people to know. The videos are powerful.

I SO believe in adoption! I love our son (through adoption) with every fiber of my being. I want to encourage other people to adopt if that is what they feel strongly they should do.

I also love truth. I really, really think it does potential damage to a child to let people go into adoption without knowing that parenting a child through adoption is different than parenting a child you have given birth to, and that difference has to be embraced, not ignored.

I am so excited to find a resource like this that lays out the challenges with absolute clarity, AND with absolute hope and confidence that every child can be helped to heal from early challenges, and lead the best life possible. Please go check it out, and watch the videos!

 

February Photo Challenge 21-22

21. In our first hours as a family after adopting Small Sun. In one of four hotels we stayed in while waiting for permission to travel across state lines to bring him home. Those fancy pants are pajamas.

 

22. The start of a small studio space for me to create. The desk drawer holds notions and the built in cupboard has fabrics. On the bookcase are design magazines and books, garden books, patterns, my collected collage books, and sketch books. Finally I don't have to pack and unpack as much when I sew. I have some big ideas for this little corner...one step at a time.

 

Thinking about Adopting?

Recently I've been receiving a lot of emails and messages asking me about adoption. Since I have not been talking about adoption so much lately, I thought I would do an Adoption101 type of post to address some of those questions I've been receiving.

My views on adoption have changed and developed and changed again over time, and I suspect that is pretty much what the journey will look like! Each time I think I know my "position" on things, and have my opinions all outlined, I learn something new and different. What I believe today is different than what I believed two years ago, is vastly different than what I believed before we adopted. Forgive me now for contradictions and complexity - adoption is full of them. 

These are some questions I would have over coffee, if we could sit down and hang out.

Why do you think you want to adopt?

Recently I read some guidelines for ethical adoption (and now I can't find them!), and one really stood out to me. The author recommended "find out what type of children need to be adopted, and pursue adopting one of those children."

That is really challenging, isn't it. The children who are waiting to be adopted are often older, they have special needs, they are siblings groups, and in most cases, they don't fit into the lives we are living, or our daydreams about a happy family unit. 

I'm not saying babies don't need to be adopted, and I'm not saying what you should do. I'm just saying that I am challenged by that statement.

I think it is really good to look at adoption from the angle of meeting a child's needs, and spending a lifetime serving them with humility and faith. Adoption is like a life-long ministry. You get so much out of it, and you give so much as well.

Have you thought about the impact that being placed for adoption, or abandoned, or removed by social workers has on a child?

Being adopted is a one-time thing that happens before a judge, but being an adoptee is a life-long journey that can be complex and difficult. Adoptees are the best people to teach you about their experiences.

What do you think happens to a woman after she surrenders or loses a child to adoption?

Again, blogs, books, stories by women who have lived this experience are so impacting. I think hearing these stories is a powerful way to tear down the line between "us" and "them". Lisa at One Thankful Mom has been writing an amazing series about her own experience as a woman whose son was adopted. It is not easy to read. Redemption comes, but there is a lot of pain before it does.

What do you think it is like to grow up in a family that looks different than you?

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories is a book that I have found to be profoundly insightful. 

If you have a relationship with God, what is God telling you?

What does your support system look like?

What if the child you adopt doesn't fit your expectations?

Adoption is much more complex than I perceived it to be before we adopted. I completed 300 hours of volunteering at an agency. I read every book in their library. I led waiting adoptive parent support groups. I was present at placement ceremonies, and at court to support women relinquishing their rights. I studied a hundred family dossiers and profiles. I met numerous expectant mothers considering adoption. I spend many hours on adoption web boards and chat rooms. I read blogs.

I had NO IDEA. 

All that experience wasn't my child. It wasn't his other family. Until it got real, it just wasn't. 

Even so, I'd say read all you can and talk to as many different people in the adoption traid (adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive parents) as you can. Read as many different kinds of stories as you can (good, bad, and ugly). If you have a relationship with God, pray, pray, and pray some more, and ask for guidance as to what you should do.

Here are some blogs that I wish I had known about when we were in the beginning of our journey. I also read alot of beautiful pro-adoption blogs but I want to highlight these because they bring some real substance to the discussion when it comes to attachment, ethics, mixed race families, openess, older child adoption, and more. 

One Thankful Mom 

Jen Hatmaker

Harlow's Monkey - closed now, but the archives are still available

The Livesay [Haiti] Weblog

Love Isn't Enough

Our Little Tongginator

American Family

Never a Dull Moment

Production No Reproduction

Rage Against the Minivan

That We Might be Adopted

Dreaming Big Dreams

There are so many fantastic resources surrounding adoption, and we have experienced adoption to be an amazing thing in our family. I am happy to keep talking about it and answering questions as they come!

Transition

When a woman is in labor, giving birth to a new life, transition is often the hardest part. The contractions go from spaced and predictable, to intense and accelerated. The feeling of being out of control as the labor shifts into the stage that will bring out life, is the hardest part for many women. 

It is in transition that you see women shouting in the movies. It is in transition that many women change their mind "no, the baby is not coming out, I can't do this!" On the other side of transition is delivery; life.

It only dawned on me today that my life will undergo a radical shift in the next two weeks.

1. Baby is scheduled to move to permanent care with a family member. We meet tomorrow to plan the transition.

2. Our very lovely and helpful friends that have been staying with us upon re-entry to Sydney will be moving out.

3. Sprout will join Small Sun at school.

4. Finch will be potty trained (he's halfway there).

I will go from having six people here with me during every day to having one.

I will go from a dizzying ping-pong game of nappy changes and potty accident clean-ups to the occasional undie-fail. 

I will go from feeding a crowd each meal, all day long, to packing lunches and eating quietly with one two year old.

And if Finch gets a spot at preschool in May when he turns three, well I'll be completely on my own several days a week.

Part of this scenario makes me want to put on a party dress and do a little dance. Alone time? Quiet? Meeting friends for coffee? Bring it!

I have spent this year as the frazzled friend, showing up at play dates with more than appropriate numbers of children, collapsing onto couches and nursing cup after cup of tea. The idea of replacing frazzled with some other adjective to describe the state of my life is alluring. Alluring...that sounds nice.

Yet, suddenly I wonder, what will I do? I know I will want to jump into lots of creative projects on the house, and garden, and design and sew some clothes, which means I will want to spend lots of money. Only one kid to drag to stores? Shopping! The budget will love me.

I don't really know what will happen next, and what to expect. Will I love it? Will I hate the lack of color a houseful of people and creative children creates?

I guess it is only temporary as we'll probably take another foster care placement later this year, and continue to pursue adopting a sibling group. I should probably enjoy it while it lasts!

What about you, what would you dream of doing with a windfall of quiet(er) time?

PS- I'm completely ignoring the "they're growing up too fast" aspect of this situation. I'll cry over that a little bit later, I'm sure.

 

 

Back on my High Horse

Several years ago, pre-earthquake, I went through a season where I was reading a lot of blogs about the conditions for orphaned and abandoned children in Haiti. The stories were intense. The images were graphic. Often children died. 

I'd follow a story of a child coming into a clinic malnourished, or burned, or suffering from kwashiorcor. I'd rejoice when, after a few months, they would show before and after pictures and those same children would be moving towards health.

Other times I'd just shudder and cry when they died. 

I couldn't stop reading. I hated reading. For those of you who aren't on a faith journey, this will sound nutty, but it felt like Jesus just wanted me to see what He sees. When I wanted to look away He kept bringing me back. It was a season where I experienced a breakthrough in my awareness of children in need. Since then, children in crisis aren't too far removed from my thoughts, even while I'm living my comfortable life.

One of my friends was watching those same blogs. One night she and her husband made a decision. They decided to adopt one of the kids they saw on the blog. I thought Jamie Ivey was crazy. Not for adopting a child in need, but for throwing herself off the approved path. We had completed "normal" adoptions (Deacon and Small Sun) in the same time frame. I don't even think they qualified for the guidelines for the Haiti program. And if there is one thing I learned about adoption when I was volunteering in an agency office, it is that you can't fall in love with a kid in an orphanage somewhere and then adopt them. It just doesn't work like that. There are protocols and rules and, and, and, what were they thinking?

I think sometimes when Jesus pulls you into His world, and you make decisions based on what you're seeing from His angle, it just looks crazy from the outside. 

If you are interested in orphan care, and children in need, please go read Kristen @ Rage Against the Minivan as she talks about the situation for orphaned and abandoned children in Haiti 2 years post-quake. Watch the videos. Read up on UNICEF's position on international adoption and how those policies are playing out on the ground.

Right now it's like I see Jesus sitting under a tree looking at something. I want to go sit next to Him and see what He is looking at. I'm getting drawn back in to seeing the need and the devastation and the hope all tangled together. 

I heard Jesus say something to me this week that made me nervous. He said "your stomach is made from iron, and you are a lot stronger than you think you are." (And yes, now you can all really think I'm crazy if you don't believe Jesus talks to people! I'm okay with that.)

I filled out our Expression of Interest to Adopt today. I think it is Step 2 of 11. The first time we adopted we were open to any race, but wanted a healthy baby. I can tell you that the boxes we checked today were very different from the boxes we checked back then. It felt like one of those times where you just close your eyes and jump.