Beyond the busyness of life and birthdays, we have faced some challenges lately that had me feeling like I was totally at capacity (or beyond), when it came to "coping". It is amazing how one day you can feel strong and capable, and the next the rug has been completely pulled out from under your feet.
We are regaining our balance, and I found one specific thing key to keeping my head above water.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23
When I woke up in the morning feeling like I was in a dark place even before my eyes opened, I started grabbing truths from the Bible and holding them with both hands. I lay in bed quietly speaking scripture into my mind and heart until I found the strength to get up and face the day.
Living life in friendship and connection with God, I have so many wonderful promises to hold onto, especially in difficult times. Choosing to actively connect with positive truth in the midst of negative circumstances is really hard. I think that's why we're told to "guard our hearts." Guarding our hearts is actually really hard work. It can be a very active and intentional thing.
When my heart starts to get down, my whole perspective goes down really fast. The Captain and I laugh at me sometimes (I have learned to see how obvious the pattern is!), that if I am feeling low about one thing, before you know it my whole life seems to be falling down around my ears...sometimes just because I am exhausted or hungry.
I need to do this in my life. I need to guard my heart to make sure that the life coming out of it is the life I want.
Another way I need to guard my heart is to keep it open and generous. I seem to be constantly adjusting the balance - protecting my little family and the individual hearts in it so that everyone feels loved and supported and empowered, and also reaching out to others and relying on the inbuilt strength we've established in our kids to carry them over while I lend my strength to others for a season.
So, with this balancing act in mind, we are preparing for another foster care placement. This time it will be a little boy, about 21 months old. We expect him to come to us in July, after his current carers move overseas.
Learning from our last two experiences, and from some discussions with our kids, we think it is important for foster kids to have their own room so that our kids are able to maintain some continuity with their personal space that doesn't change repeatedly. The Sprout, in particular, really seems to need things to stay "the same", and struggles with change. She is the one who has shared her room two times, and who still really mourns and misses the first baby we cared for.
To that end, we have a carpenter coming in to make our open plan office into a bedroom. Like Sprout, I find that having new children sharing our bedroom is stressful for me, so I'm thankful we have some flexibility with our room arrangements to dedicate a new bedroom.
I met the sweet little boy this week. Adding a fourth child, going back to diapers, strollers, baby food, and all the extras that come with a child who has experienced trauma and abuse or neglect, requires me to stop and choose to open my heart. I have to guard my heart so that my own selfishness doesn't mean I ignore another's need. At the same time, I have to recognize my own needs and make sure I take care of my own person.
In our small group through church, we've been talking about what Jesus payed for when He died on the cross. The fact that we have access to so much freedom through Jesus doesn't mean that we don't have to reach out and grab it with both hands. He gave us the ultimate gift, but it is up to us to accept it, unwrap it, and use it. Easier said than done!