Growing Family

More Centered, Finding Calm

I feel badly for spilling my emotions all over the place, here. I know that you all probably want to hear all the confirmations that this was a good choice, to come here, and all the adventures we're having. These is plenty of that going on, as well!

A friend here lent me a "cultural training" curriculum for expatriates moving to Australia. In the section discussing culture shock it describes the effect of culture shock on the body, saying that when everything in your environment is new and you are processing new information, constantly, every day, it physically exhausts the body. From sending a letter to attending a party, everything is just different enough that you can never completely rely on your previous experience. It is tiring, and I felt comforted to know that I am experiencing a very normal part of a move of this scale. Also, that it will pass, and things will require less effort in the future.

In our service on Sunday the teacher spoke about finding the quiet place, where we hear truth, feel peace, and find bravery to walk in strength through our days. Hearing that was so restorative to my peace. Also on Sunday, a friend here who is growing more dear by the minute, called to ask us out to afternoon tea. We bundled up in our scarves and coats (so glad they finally arrived!) and met them at a nearby bakery/cafe for a hot drink before we turned the kids out of doors to play at the park. My new friend shared her vulnerability and fears with me, and I am so thankful for a friend that is going below the surface. The mens got along well too, and are meeting for lunch as they work close to each other, in the financial district, downtown.

My continued exploration into expatriate adoption is a big contributer to my stress levels! After getting close to nowhere talking to agencies, I set up an appointment with an Australian immigration lawyer for next week, spoke to the Consulate here in Sydney, and spoke to someone at USCIS (U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services). It's a bit of a game of hot potato, everyone says that what I am inquiring about isn't under their jurisdiction and hands me off to someone else, who in turn hands me to someone else! Each immigration authority points at the other, saying "it's their issue, you'll have to take it up with them!" No wonder the agencies don't have a clue.

So hopefully, after seeking legal council and hearing back from the detailed inquiry I submitted to the Consulate, I'll have a clearer picture. May I just say, I can't believe how much time and effort (and stress!) I have put into this process, before even submitting an application! It's hard to imagine having the energy to follow through an adoption process, which may involve preparing a dossier (gathering documents from abroad), coordinating the legal systems of three governments, and time spent in the U.S. Not to mention the emotional experience of adoption.

On Saturday, on the park bench, I was asking God "do I keep pushing on this, or do I let it go?" I was miffed when He said "both". I saw a pictures of pushing on the wind, like I do with my arm out of the car window. I saw that when you open your hands and let go, that doesn't mean that the surface you are pushing disappears. Sometimes it moves and you just keep pushing, open-handed.

Lately, a lot of my guidance from God has been puzzling. So I'm puzzling over it, waiting for the clarity to develop.

When people ask me why we've moved here, I sometimes feel foolish trying to explain what we want out of this transition. But foolish or not, I think we heard right. I think we're in the right place. And who was it that said, "sometimes you have a tough year and then a good future". We feel like this might be a tough year. However, even at the low points so far, it has been incredibly grace-filled.

So, here's to open hands, pushing on who knows what and stepping out, into the invisible. May the housing market and the immigration and adoption authorities smile on me!

The Church Search Comes to a Close

I really can't believe it. After only two months here we are already putting down roots in a church I am really loving. Oddly enough it is the church I wanted to avoid because it is a MEGA church, but it seems to be the right place for our family.

We are attending an "extension service" near our house, so the church is linked with the main church, but maintains the small congregation feel. There are about 300 members that attend two services (the building is not large enough to accommodate 300 people in one service) and people also go to events at the MEGA church.

In those 300 people, 30 nationalities are represented. There are several people with African heritage, a Dutch grandmother who has already taken us under her wing, no end of inter-racial couples, and inter-ethnic couples and their children, and I'd guess about 15% of the members appear "white" but there again, people are coming from lots of different countries. Second languages are normal, immigration is normal, diverse heritage is normal, connection to a big world is normal.

The theology embraced by the leadership and the members is right up our alley. Basically, God is good, and what is not good is not from God. Last week the teaching was on fear. I found myself on permanent head-nod as the pastor exhorted the members that a life filled with fear and anxiety isn't God's will for our lives. As a person who spent a childhood absolutely consumed in fear, is was a spot-on message.

The style of the worship is familiar to us, and the people are warm and genuine. In the last four weeks we have been invited to (and attended several of these) a home group Bible study, a games night, lunch after church, a movie night, a guy's footy night (Australian rules football - kind of a football, rugby hybrid unique to Australia), and dinner at a couple's house. Every week scores of people introduce themselves and take time to talk and get to know us. At first I assumed they were just very proactive in their "greeter ministry", but people are genuinely friendly and I can tell we are not part of a "new members program". Amazingly, the people just really are this warm.

One couple in particular has really taken us under their wing and they are just so kind. To be a world away from friends and family and have people take a sincere interest in getting to know us, AND following it through with ongoing interaction just means the world right now.

The children's service is so cheerful and the teachers kind. Our kids are enjoying it and they already have friends from a range of ages that they play with after church. The older girls take turns carrying Sprout around and Small Sun wrestles with the other boys and burns out his energy running laps around the hall after the service is ended. Person after person comment on how beautiful and kind our children are and they also seem very positive on adoption.

I'm pretty flabbergasted, really. I mean, there are some things I'm not so crazy about, but every time I assume that something is just staged or for show, I am amazed at the genuineness of the conviction behind different decisions and actions. I said in a previous post that "with God, nothing is too good to be true". My own assertion is shaking me up a good deal these days.

How Can I Explain It?

We are looking for a church here. We visited one last week that seemed like a good candidate, though it wasn't a perfect 10. I've made friends from a neighborhood church we visited several times and I'm attending a playgroup there. Now that it is becoming evident that we're not going to be attending the church, people are asking us what we're looking for in a church, and how our home church in Nashville is different from theirs.

Where should I begin?

I'm having trouble coming up with a soundbite answer, but I've been thinking about it a lot. This is the best analogy I've come up with:

Most churches I've been to talk about God like He's a Superhero. Kids sing the song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do!" From the pulpit, people talk about God's omnipotence and His power.

So if we're ageeing that God is a superhero, it seems like a lot of people and churches keep God the superhero as a collector's item. He's there in the box, unmarred by play, enshrined in His power. Exalted to a place of prominence.  He's awesome, yet distant, separate, untouchable. His superhero powers are listed on the box, but you don't see Him in action.

Then there's the people and churches who reach up on the shelf, yank superhero God out of the box, and start messing with Him so see, as The Captain puts it, "what turns Him on", and what He can actually do.

It may not be a theologically sound analogy, but that's what we're looking for in a church: people who aren't content to leave the bigness of God to Bible stories, but believe it when Jesus said that believers would do even greater works that He did.

Today, a leader from the local church was pressing me for what we believe differently than what we see in their service. I told him that we believe in the written word of God, but also the spoken, fresh word of God that comes through prophesy and the Holy Spirit who the Bible says is our teacher. That is, the source of current instruction in life. I said that we believe in healing, and the power of God to be at work in our everyday lives. His response was "thank you for telling me what you believe, but I actually think you'll be more interested to hear what I believe." That kind of surprised me.

I don't really understand it when you tell people that you know, first hand, of people who have been healed of AIDS, people who were suicidal who are living life with vigor, people whose marrriages were down the toilet and are now loving each other, kids who were deaf who can hear, kids who needed glasses and now don't, people in any bad situation that was turned for Good, and their response is "let me talk you out of that, that's not really real."  I mean, if someone told me that ice cream is actually fat free and the most important ingredient for health, I would be grabbing a spoon, not trying to talk them out of it.

Most of the time when I try to explain what we believe, people just stare at me. Then they say something like, "you might feel more comfortable in a Pentacostal church, if that's what you're looking for." Isn't that what we're all looking for? For faith to mean something? For God to actually be big enough to come down off the throne and do something? For Him to care enough about us to bring good into our lives?

A U2 lyric says "please, please, get up off your knees." I think it's when we get desperate that we start messing with God, asking Him to be bigger than Sunday School teaches us. Or rather, for Him to be as strong and mighty as they say He is. We build our beliefs about God based on what we don't see Him doing in our lives and in the world. He says "you have not, because you ask not." He's big people, and he can do some crazy stuff. But beyond that, the key thing for me, is that He really does love me and He wants my life to be good. The Bible says "every good and perfect gift comes from God". God doesn't make us sick to teach us a lesson, God doesn't kill our families to get our attention, God doesn't cause calamity because we're evil. God is good and things that are not good, are not God.

That is what I believe about God. I can totally understand other people not being where I am at, and if they are not interested in knowing God that way, I'm not torn up to try to convince them. I just don't understand it when they want to convince me otherwise. With God, it's not "too good to be true".

Going for Gold

Sometimes, as a mom, I hit a low. You know those days where you are so busy doing everything for everyone? By the time you get to eat your food, it's cold. You're trying to use the bathroom and kids are climbing on your lap. After making a great dinner, and feeding everybody there's still cleanup and bedtime to get through. Those days where it feels like a week from wake-up till bedtime.

One day like that this week I just took a little time out (hubby was home) to go cry in my pillow. I'm learning to acknowledge that my own needs for care are real and important (I'm actually pretty good at taking care of myself but I also try to be unselfish and take good care of my family). Also I'm learning that sometimes it's appropriate for another person to help me meet those needs and sometimes I can ask God to meet my needs. (I know, here I go turning off my readers who aren't into God!)

So as I was crying in my pillow I started to tell God about how tired I was and how I wanted someone to mother me for a change.

God speaks to me with pictures. First I became aware that I could sit on God's lap like a child and He was taking care of me. Literally, I felt warm and comforted, and like my hair was being stroked. I instantly began to relax and find peace.

The next thing I saw was a kind of movie of me taking care of my kids. I saw myself doing the mundane tasks of motherhood (feeding Sprout in her chair, changing diapers, picking up toys), except liquid gold was pouring out of my hands and coating everything I was touching. The most basic actions were immensely valuable.

Sometimes I need that reminder - that these often boring and mundane activities are actually life-giving, and that I am creating an environment that teaches my children that they are valuable.

I'm glad that I am learning to let the God-head meet some of my needs because they can meet them so completely, and I can be filled and move on, instead of pulling and pulling on a person to fill a deep need. There are many, many needs that are met interpersonally, but sometimes you just can't beat Father God's hugs.

How many of you have I scared off?

A Little of This

You all probably don't notice when I go quiet on here. I feel like it is my turn to talk at an event and everyone is waiting for me to say something. Whether you noticed or not, I've been sitting here, mulling over some things in my mind and wondering which ones to commit to the screen.

First of all, my faith. You know, I started this blog over a year ago thinking that I had something unique to share about adoption based on what I believe. Basically that God still does big stuff and that is evident in my life, in our lives, and in our adoptions. Over the last year I've been in a tangle with so much of the pain and injustice present in adoption that that has been my focus. It has been a season of my life, one where I questioned things I never thought I would. I've turned a corner and while I'm not coming back to the same place I started, I am re-claiming the truth I knew before.

I've heard so many crazy stories about children who really needed families and (what I believe to be) God making a way for their adoptions. Like my friends who are under 30 and have eleven children*. Let me tell you how that happened: well first of all, they are on of those families that believe in trusting God to bless them with however many children. It's not for me, but it works for them. So, about three years ago they had four biological children under six or seven. Then they found out about all the orphans in Liberia and they got passionate about adoption. They found out about a sibling group of two...who turned out to have a 14 year old sister. They went to adopt them and while the father was there, a woman asked him to adopt her infant daughter and they agreed. So they started off planning to adopt two, then broadened their boundaries to adopt the older sister, and then again to bring home the baby.

A while later they got up at our church to explain what happened next. After bringing the four children home (and doubling their kids!) they decided to go back to adopt their children's two closest friends from the orphanage. One little problem was that they didn't have any money before all of this started, and they certainly didn't have any money now! They didn't tell anyone, not even their families, that they wanted to adopt again because people had already generously helped them with the first adoptions.

Out of the blue, a woman from another state, who they had never met, called them and said "I really wanted to help financially with your adoptions but I heard that you already completed them. Would it be possible for me to make a donation (of thousands of dollars) directly to the orphanage?" The amount she wanted to donate was EXACTLY the amount needed to bring the two children home!

Later my friend was shopping with her large crowd of children in a department store and a woman came up and said that she wanted to buy a complete wardrobe FOR EACH OF THE CHILDREN!

To me, this is God doing stuff. It talks a lot in the Bible about God caring for people who are disadvantaged: orphans, widows, strangers, travelers, people in prison, people who are alone. I think the way the church then interfaces with disadvantaged people is often condescending, paternalistic, and demeaning. But set the church aside. The truth of "the gospel" is that God really cares about those people, honestly, genuinely, and deeply. I think that when individuals love others in the same way, God brings the resources.

So, up until now I've left my faith pretty much out of this blog. I'm so disgusted and disillusioned with the American church that I hesitate to even identify myself as Christian, for fear of being classified with the stereotypes. But I'm finding, after a year of struggle, that when I get down to looking at what I really care about - people in need - I can't leave Jesus out of it. At least, he isn't letting me. So I promise not to get all preachy, I guess I just need to set that out there for honesty's sake.

If you don't have faith, don't run off because I do. It has meant so much to me to spend the last year hearing from people who aren't in my shoes. I value your voices and I won't try to drown you out with Bible thumping. Promise.

*For those of you who were counting, child number eleven is another biological baby! I really cannot imagine!

Evangelicals and Adoption

I just responded to this article on the push for adoption in the American evangelical christian community on my girlfriend's blog. I've been thinking about this for awhile but haven't been ready to write about it. I figured my comments on her blog would be a good place to start the discussion.

I said:

I’ve been reading about the push to adopt in the evangelical world and I really have mixed feelings about it. For the most part, I think it is a positive thing but I also have several serious concerns.

1. Feeling a call to adopt doesn’t mean that you are equipped to be an adoptive parent, especially if you are adopting a child that is older or has special needs. Unfortunately, I know of local cases where children adopted by “Christian” families have been abused and even killed. It’s hard to believe, I know. Being a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean that you are ready and prepared to be a good parent. So I hope that in cases where churches are starting their own agencies, they also maintain rigerous examination of potential adoptive parents and extensive training. I don’t think there’s enough training and assistence provided for adoptive families across the board.

2. While I think that the church is called to care for those in need, there are some common pitfalls that a lot of us Christians get stuck in that actually end up harming those in need. I think we often view people in need as victims and think that by removing them from their situation or introducing Western style Christian solutions, we are “saving” them. We need to be careful to maintain respect for people while we’re trying to help them. That’s what Jesus’ love is all about. So when we’re helping aid people in poverty, let’s respect them. When we’re adopting a child under any circumstances, let’s extend respect and love to their birth family and culture. I’ve heard way too many people talking about “those poor people in Africa who don’t even know how to help themselves” or “that destitute country where children are bound for prostitution/death/whatever”. Those attitudes are condescending and overlook the rich God-given values and strengths that are the foundation for success in people lives and in whole countries.

So I’m excited that evangelical Christians are hearing about children in need. I just hope that while they are helping those children they are approaching the whole situation from a desire to empower others, and contribute to stability as a whole, not just “rescuing” individuals.

Born Into Brothels

I just finished watching this documentary about children living in the brothels in Calcutta, India.

Lately some things have been stirring in dusty corners in my brain. You may remember that I've wanted to adopt children since before I understood how babies get here. I remember being a young child and thinking of how I could get ready to take care of the baby I knew a mother would give me because she couldn't take care of it herself.

When I was an older child and read about other countries I got it into my head that I wanted to adopt a child from India. Later, as a senior in high school, I was very close to moving to India to work in an orphanage (yea, my parents actually would have let me). I was talking with the couple that I would be moving to work with and they told me that I would have to keep my eyes down at all times and never look up when I was in the street or else men would have license to harass me. I was so turned off that I stopped pursuing that plan.

Between college and grad school my brother lived in India, freeing child slaves. It really messed him up. In fact, I don't think he's ever really recovered from what he saw there. Something hardened in him, and it still has not softened. When he encountered the children that were enslaved and the governmental systems that did not help them get free, he couldn't deal with it.

Lately I've been thinking about India again. Wondering if that might be a place for us to go and live for awhile? We're really viewing Sydney as our launching pad into the Pacific Rim.

Last Sunday one of my friends told me that I am going to begin to live the dreams that I've been carrying in my heart since I was a child. She said that there are no limitations - I can be wife, mother, friend, AND pursuer of my dreams. She said that the things that are going to happen through me are even bigger than I've imagined them, and they are already beginning to move into action.

It gets me wondering, and thinking about India, and all the dreams I've had since I was a kid. Gladys Aylward moving to China and mothering about 100 abandoned children. Jackie Pullinger-To living in Hong Kong with drug addicts and homeless people, being their friend. Heidi Baker caring for thousands of former orphans in Mozambique. Mother Theresa. These are the women I grew up reading about, and admiring. Women who seek out the most neglected and marginalized people in the world and wrap their arms around them.

I'm digging up some old dreams.

My Fragile Faith

My earlier post is only a couple hours old but I'm already back here seeking to clarify that I'm not dogging evangelicals. Heck, I am an evangelical...or was...or something. I'm not even exactly sure what an evangelical is. Some of our friends gather for an annual book and wine exchange when everyone is in town for Christmas or New Years. This year someone gave a subscription to geez magazine and one of the articles featured a breakdown of all the evangelical subcategories, complete with the authors that represent common views and the favorite songs sung by each group! We were laughing so hard, and trying to put each other in the right categories. It was a hoot. And no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't define what it means, exactly, to be an evangelical Christian.

But we live in a society where the Christian right is becoming a powerful player in U.S. politics and policy and I feel a need to define myself in relation to them. That's the real problem: right now my faith (rather my status as a Christian, which seems worlds away from my faith) is being defined as it relates to political standpoints and cultural Christianity. In the process I feel that I'm losing my own personal Jesus.

I'm really struggling with how I fit into the  church, and into my own church. For the record I think that my church is pretty incredible, and gets to the heart of Jesus' teachings most of the time, leaving the application up to the individual (i.e. lots of thought given to the state of one's heart in relation to God, not much discussion on what a Christian should or should not do). But that disclaimer aside, how do I fit into a larger religious culture that oftentimes denies the existence of racism, subjugates women, marginalizes people without resources, alienates homosexuals, ignores our responsibility to the planet, and in general forces a heavy hand instead of extending an open one?

I am so repelled by much of Christian culture that I find myself distanced from Jesus. I think that's really a pity. As I write this tears well in my eyes. I am in a time of great searching and inner turmoil. I feel like I'm closing my eyes and holding my breath and jumping into the dark water of questioning the Christianity I was raised in. I am just praying that I find Jesus' hand in the storm.

So, I'm not trying to be snarky to evangelicals. That's really common and only cheap thrills. But right wing conservatives are really poking me, and I'd like to poke back. Not because I absolutely disagree with some of their fundamental perspectives, but because the way they are applied so often sacrifices people at the alter of principles. I didn't see Jesus doing that.

I leave my faith unmentioned most of the time, but this struggle is a really big part of my current experience. It's like Over the Rhine so painfully put it "I'm not letting go of God, I'm just losing my grip."

Easter

May apples, bridal wreath spirea, jack-in-the-pulpit, woodland phlox, bluets, and dogwood survived the frost and waited to great me this birthday morning, this resurrection day.

For me, Easter and springtime are inextricably entwined. As I reflect on Life triumphing over death I see the truth illustrated in the natural world around me. Blossoms opening, shoots rising towards the sun, leaves unfurling like tiny banners. The world seems to be throwing down a carpet of blossoms just like the palm fronds were thrust as a carpet under Jesus' feet as he entered Jerusalem.

I wonder how it will feel in Australia, to celebrate Easter at fall time? Will the message seem as true if the leaves are dying, the grass withering, the light going more quickly? I really can't imagine.

I might need to frame this photo of my indoor garden, gathered from my mother's woods, to remind me of the life and growth at Easter time, when around me things are dying.

Communion

I so want Small Sun and The Sprout to feel and know and love the Trinity that I adore. How can I communicate this love to them and hold my heart's flame in such a way that it sparks theirs? It is not enough to say "we're Christians" and to point them in the direction of Christian culture. I live so far away from, and am often repulsed by what is lauded as Christianity today. I just can't identify.

Wir durfen dich nicht eigenmachtig malen

We must not portray you in king's robes,
you drifting mist that brought forth the morning.

Once again from the old paintboxes
we take the same gold for scepter and crown
that has disguised you through the ages.

Piously we produce our images of you
till they stand around you like a thousand walls.
And when our hearts would simply open,
our fervent hands hide you.

--Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God 1,4

The God I know is the one Gerard Manley Hopkins describes:

God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil:
    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil,
    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent:
    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs-
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.