Growing Family

Creative Overdrive

Back in Nashville we owned a tidy little two bedroom post-war bungalow. It was the first house we bought together in a little run-down street, within sight of a gas station. I loved that house.

When Small Sun entered the picture, my sister-in-law and I threw ladders up in the tiny second bedroom to paint a blue ceiling with fluffy white clouds. I upcycled nearly all the furniture in the house, and one crowning piece we still treasure today is an eight foot long desk The Captain and I designed together and an arborist/welder friend of ours built for us. The top is about four inches thick of some gorgeous wood, and the bottom is a steel frame. It weighs three million tons (or kilos!), and will outlast us for sure.

Living in rental properties since moving to Sydney was really hard for me. I am a creative person and I get the itch to change things...often. My whole life growing up, my family was knocking down walls to open up views, and bringing spontaneous creativity to liven up drab spaces. I am pretty sure my dad did knock out one wall one night, after we sat at the dinner table talking about how the room could look better if it was more open plan.

Hide sledgehammers and power tools when my lot is around. We have no respect for building codes or blueprints when the creative juices start to flow. 

We've been in this house nearly a year and I have tackled projects slowly and cautiously. I suppose the investment this house represents makes me cautious to maintain its resale value, not to mention I've been up to my eyeballs in caring for really young kids this year. Staple guns and toddlers do not mix.

With four and a half short weeks to get two rooms made over, my brain has gone into creative overdrive, with no real respect to budgetary constraints or...reality.

We are moving our office into an open plan room downstairs that acts as a glorified hallway. I end up folding laundry on a spare bed that has landed in the space, there is a toy kitchen, and some random bookshelves that didn't fit anywhere else. The room is a bit cold and gloomy unless the abundant down lights are on, using precious electricity. 

To that alluring space we will move our gargantuan desk, and the current office will be fitted out as a nursery/spare room for foster care and guests. 

I keep telling myself "this is really as simple as moving some furniture on a Saturday", but the project has grown in my mind.

Before we do the switch we want to paint our first really bold move in the house. We are going to do a feature wall in this style with a Yellow and White stripe! Except we are going to continue a stripe at one level extending to the right into a reading nook, and one at a second level to the left to pull the eye down and along the corridor to the boys' room.

Striped walls require a lot of prep work and I've been watching tutorial videos and trying to find a chalk line to borrow. I have the room mostly emptied so we are just waiting for the weekend, as it is a two person job!

Yellow is my happy color (could it be anything but?), and I know they are super-trendy, but chevrons make me happy too. Here is the picture I'm drawing inspiration from in the new office. I plan to hang several gold-leaf antique mirrors on top of the yellow stripe, in addition to what I call my "command central" pin board and calendar that currently hang above my desk. 

I love the juxtaposition of strong color and modern lines, with the delicate and timeless beauty of well-made antiques, and I can't walk past industrial antiques either. 

Upstairs, I want to paint the nursery with a grey feature wall so I can style it in a more feminine esthetic (this may be my favorite EVER girl's nursery space), or neutral (a space like this could go either gender just by switching out a couple soft furnishings). 

Upstairs in our house reads more traditional, with burgundy, gold, and neutral tones dictated by a large traditional rug, and my many found treasures (shells, stones, and pieces of nature). Downstairs is where we are experimenting with bold colors mixed with antiques.

Having the freedom to dream and create in a space is something I love, love, love. If only I had a team of tradespeople and an unlimited budget at my beck and call! Anyway, I am having lots of fun, if not making myself a little crazy with the possibilities.

It is just moving furniture around, after all, but in my mind it has become

painting elaborate designs

sourcing strong rugs and crib bedding at bargain prices

hanging rods and curtains (should I make them by hand?)

putting up a crib (should I repaint mine, since I can't justify buying a new one just because it is gorgeous

repainting the file cabinet

sewing slipcovers for a loaned glider with forest green plaid cushions

etc, etc, etc...

What do you get carried away with?

PS- Sorry for all the links. I'm not sure what the web ettiquette is when it comes to sharing others' pictures so I thought it best to link rather than snag and tag. That is a real internet-thing by the way - snag and tag.

Keeping a Big Heart

Beyond the busyness of life and birthdays, we have faced some challenges lately that had me feeling like I was totally at capacity (or beyond), when it came to "coping". It is amazing how one day you can feel strong and capable, and the next the rug has been completely pulled out from under your feet.

We are regaining our balance, and I found one specific thing key to keeping my head above water.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

 When I woke up in the morning feeling like I was in a dark place even before my eyes opened, I started grabbing truths from the Bible and holding them with both hands. I lay in bed quietly speaking scripture into my mind and heart until I found the strength to get up and face the day. 

Living life in friendship and connection with God, I have so many wonderful promises to hold onto, especially in difficult times. Choosing to actively connect with positive truth in the midst of negative circumstances is really hard. I think that's why we're told to "guard our hearts." Guarding our hearts is actually really hard work. It can be a very active and intentional thing.

When my heart starts to get down, my whole perspective goes down really fast. The Captain and I laugh at me sometimes (I have learned to see how obvious the pattern is!), that if I am feeling low about one thing, before you know it my whole life seems to be falling down around my ears...sometimes just because I am exhausted or hungry.

I need to do this in my life. I need to guard my heart to make sure that the life coming out of it is the life I want.

Another way I need to guard my heart is to keep it open and generous. I seem to be constantly adjusting the balance - protecting my little family and the individual hearts in it so that everyone feels loved and supported and empowered, and also reaching out to others and relying on the inbuilt strength we've established in our kids to carry them over while I lend my strength to others for a season.

So, with this balancing act in mind, we are preparing for another foster care placement. This time it will be a little boy, about 21 months old. We expect him to come to us in July, after his current carers move overseas. 

Learning from our last two experiences, and from some discussions with our kids, we think it is important for foster kids to have their own room so that our kids are able to maintain some continuity with their personal space that doesn't change repeatedly. The Sprout, in particular, really seems to need things to stay "the same", and struggles with change. She is the one who has shared her room two times, and who still really mourns and misses the first baby we cared for. 

To that end, we have a carpenter coming in to make our open plan office into a bedroom. Like Sprout, I find that having new children sharing our bedroom is stressful for me, so I'm thankful we have some flexibility with our room arrangements to dedicate a new bedroom.

I met the sweet little boy this week. Adding a fourth child, going back to diapers, strollers, baby food, and all the extras that come with a child who has experienced trauma and abuse or neglect, requires me to stop and choose to open my heart. I have to guard my heart so that my own selfishness doesn't mean I ignore another's need. At the same time, I have to recognize my own needs and make sure I take care of my own person.

In our small group through church, we've been talking about what Jesus payed for when He died on the cross. The fact that we have access to so much freedom through Jesus doesn't mean that we don't have to reach out and grab it with both hands. He gave us the ultimate gift, but it is up to us to accept it, unwrap it, and use it. Easier said than done!

 

Top 25 Adoptive and Foster Moms - 2012 list on Circle of Moms!

Imagine my surprise and delight when I received this in my email "Your blog Growing Family has been nominated to the Top 25 Adoptive and Foster Moms - 2012 list on Circle of Moms!"

I read so many of the other blogs nominated, and they contain so much rich wisdom and experience, in addition to lots of humor and fun.

Adoption and Foster Care are both amazing, and it is great to be part of a community while navigating the process, and life afterwards. 

You can vote once a day until April 26th, and I'd love to get my blog "out there" a little bit more, so please go vote for me! Thanks lovelies!

Vote for Me!

Foster Care, Placement 2

Taking care of a baby is bad for my blogging mojo, obviously. Or is it taking care of five children? Either way, I seem incapable of maintaining my blog when there are extra little people in the house.

The girls left yesterday, and we have our second foster care placement under our belt.

Last night I was sitting on Sprout's bed, tucking her in. "Does it bother you to be sleeping without Blossom in your room?" I asked. "No. She always wants to talk to me! She kept saying 'uh-oh' and then wanted me to say 'a-o-u' back to her. She woke me up in the morning and kept talking!" was her quick response. "But will you miss the girls?" I wonder, aloud. "Yes," she answers.

That is pretty much the sum of it. We are happy to have our tight family unit back, and to be free of the responsibility of two little people who need lots-lots-lots of special care, AND we will miss them.

At about the two week mark, Blossom, who is two, finally relaxed with me and started spontaneously running to me for hugs, kisses, and affirmation. She kept calling me "mama", and clung to me when she was hurt or upset.

Letting kids go is the worst part of all. Not because I want to keep them for myself, but because I am afraid of being another person in the list that is too long, a person that they began to trust and love, who then passed them on. For Blossom and her baby sister, Bud, I was the fourth in their very young lives.

I don't know that there is much more to say than that.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Well, I sure am glad to have the support network I told you about!

 Small Sun had been coughing at night and running a fever some nights, but was waking up fine and with plenty of energy in the morning. I kept sending him to school, even though I thought a day of rest would probably be a good idea. 

 Sunday I could see that he was really lagging and resolved to take him to the doctor after dropping Sprout off at school. Thankfully a friend had the baby and Finch at home, as I was supposed to take the 2 year old girl to daycare 45 minutes away from school.

 Our quick trip to the doctor turned into a trip to the radiologist for x-rays, which had to be collected two hours later, before taking the x-rays to the doctor to confirm - pneumonia.

 Oh my goodness. 

 That was yesterday. Since then, four out of five kids have been running fevers. The 2 year old, let's call her Blossom, had a pediatrician visit already scheduled for this morning. My same dear friend kept three kids at home while Sprout went to school and I took Blossom to her doctor. She has a virus. I think they all have a virus! Except Sprout, who is pirouetting through it all. 

 The Captain came home from work early today to take Small Sun back to the doctor. I just couldn't imagine taking five kids, four of the sick, to a small doctor's exam room. The Captain is such a rockstar husband, and doing foster care ONLY works for us because he does so much around here.

 The infection wasn't responding to the antibiotics so they doubled the dose and also recommended some medicine to clean the mucus out of his chest. So now he is choking down large amounts of foul tasting medicine like a champion. 

 This is the first time in his life that he has had antibiotics (unless he had some as a toddler that I've forgotten). I'm trying not to freak out about pneumonia and what if everyone else gets it...my poor baby.

 Foster care gets tricky when your own kids have some serious needs, and the foster children also have pressing needs. 

 Blossom missed daycare on Monday because by the time we got through the first two doctor visits it was noon and she was falling asleep in the car. 

 Today the girls' family contact visits were cancelled because of them being sick, but otherwise I would have had to load up my sick crew and drive them with me to the contact. I still haven't figured out how to balance it all. 

 Amidst all this, my heart is growing another layer of compassion as I nurture two new children with their specific needs and challenges, and hurts. I wonder if I'll ever get over the anger that rotten stuff happens to such little people? Probably not. 

 I am so aware of how vulnerable children are. They look to their parents to love them, provide for them, and meet their needs. When the parental relationship breaks down, they  are completely reliant on other people to do the right thing by them. They have no power, no say, no leverage. That poor little sweetheart was terrified at the doctor today, and all I could do was try to comfort her and tell her "I won't let anyone hurt you when you are with me." She has only known me for a few weeks but right now, as far as she is aware, I am all that is standing between her and things that she feels threatened by.

 It is so much to put on a little person. It is so much for them to bear. I just try to let peace and kindness be paramount in my every interaction with the girls. I can't imagine what it must be like to be so powerless. I want to do everything I can to contribute to their healing and stability, while they are with me. Even in the midst of fevers, and school runs, and pneumonia!

 

Community and Foster Care

This second experience with foster care has be thinking about the importance of a supportive community and how much that can impact the success of a placement.

I was dealing with some serious stress about this placement and I told my friends. I didn't tell them to pressure them into helping me. I told them because I was stressed and I think being honest is a really important key to making sure I don't end up depressed and overwhelmed on my own.

My friends have amazed me.

The girls have been with us four days. On the first day a precious friend offered to bring my older kids home from school, and deliver dinner to us as well. She followed through even though her own child stayed home sick from school that day, even arranging the little details like calling the school to make sure the kids knew they were riding with her, etc. Amazing.

The next day another friend offered to bring the kids home and said she could do the same several other days.

Yet another amazing friend gave me a list of days from her calendar and said "I can do whatever you need, for as long as you need, for as many of these days as you like. Just tell me."

Another amazing sweetheart said "these are the days I can get off of work early to come and help you with the bath/dinner/bedtime routine."

Tears are coming up just writing it down.

We are so blessed.

This abundance of thoughtful helpfulness has brought me over the line from being totally stressed, to enjoying having these girls with us. 

Not everyone can or should adopt or do foster care. However, if you want to support adoptive or foster care families and contribute to what they are doing, these kinds of offers of help can make a world of difference.

Other bloggers have written thorough and fantastic posts about what people can do to help, I just wanted to take a minute to honor the stunning people I have in my life who value me and what we are doing, not just with verbal affirmations, but with actions. I have never felt so surrounded.

My friends started lifting me up even before I started to drown. Is there someone in your life doing something you admire or want to support? I'm sure you can find a way to support them. You might never know how much of a difference your help might make!

Did You Hear Me Fall Off the Planet?

After my flurry of February photos it might have been noticeable when I suddenly went silent. Or maybe not? Here's what happened:

The phone company sent a letter about our line to THE WRONG ADDRESS (for the third time in the last 8 months), and when they received no response (Because we didn't receive it because we don't live at THE WRONG ADDRESS), they disconnected our phone line, and thus, our internet.

Then, when we had that sorted out, the internet provider said they would charge us a $90 switch on fee for activating a new service for us.

It took about a week and a half for them to get it all sorted out before our internet was restored.

You may have discovered that I am not a blogger who writes from her iPhone or takes her laptop to a cafe, or accepts creative offers of wifi genius from her husband. I don't have an iPhone or a laptop and if I could write a blog with a Bic pen on the back of a used envelope, that would be my preferred method of writing. Ahem.

So, moving on, here's the recent news:

1. The dog got another haircut and again resembles and overgrown mouse.

2. There are currently three children sleeping simultaneously downstairs. We are still working to transition two little girls to our place before they come to stay for three weeks of respite care starting next week. 

3. I have the most amazing friends in the universe, everyone is assembling with offers of help while we have the girls with us. Maybe because I look like I am about to LOSE MY MIND every time I talk about the logistics of adding two more (little) kids who have five (now four) days of recurring appointments scheduled every week.

4. My husband is good at talking me down when I get into the panic stratosphere. I am working at being good at talking myself down.

5. Things have been up and down with adoption lately. Bad news, bad news, good news! Local adoption (through foster care) seems to be out for sure, the wait in international has been mentioned to be 6-8 YEARS, but I think we qualify to apply for that luxurious process.

6. Some of our very best, best, bestest friends are coming from Nashville to Sydney, to play at the big country festival happening in The Hunter next weekend. I can't wait to see them!

7. Colour Conference is on the 15-17th and 22-24th. I won't get to attend very much of it this year, but I am still excited to be part of the community that supports the conference.

8. As usual with the change of seasons, I am homesick. It has been flooding all over NSW, but today is a sunny day with a crisp sky, and the morning was cool. One apple is starting to turn from rusty green to mauve on my tree.

More to come another day, internet permitting...

Fantastic Adoption Resource

I came upon a fantastic resource this week and I couldn't wait to share it with you.

Empowered to Connect has a website with resources, training opportunities, study guides, and amazing  video resources. I have already watched several of these videos and am so thankful to have found them.

The information they are sharing is so vitally important. If you are considering adoption, please go watch What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know and Counting the Cost. 

Over the years I've gone from being a vocal adoption advocate to always being the one to raise the challenges in adoption in every conversation. I think I probably come across as anti-adoption to many people.

These resources really help articulate what I want people to know. The videos are powerful.

I SO believe in adoption! I love our son (through adoption) with every fiber of my being. I want to encourage other people to adopt if that is what they feel strongly they should do.

I also love truth. I really, really think it does potential damage to a child to let people go into adoption without knowing that parenting a child through adoption is different than parenting a child you have given birth to, and that difference has to be embraced, not ignored.

I am so excited to find a resource like this that lays out the challenges with absolute clarity, AND with absolute hope and confidence that every child can be helped to heal from early challenges, and lead the best life possible. Please go check it out, and watch the videos!

 

Happy Valentines

14. I heart my family.

A couple years ago when we moved to Sydney, we couldn't find a babysitter to watch our kids on Valentines Day so at the last minute we decided to go, as a family, to our favorite local Indian restaurant. They made the restaurant extra special at Valentines with flowers, candles, and decorations. Our children loved it so much we went back the following year and would have continued the tradition, had they not closed down.

We actually had an offer to babysit this year, but when I thought about it, I realized that I love celebrating as a family. It was a busy day (isn't it always?) and I just had to make do with what I had in the fridge, and multi-tasked making dinner and talking to our caseworker who asked to come by for a visit. 

I spread the table with my Grandmother's cloth, and put out some special pieces, with red dahlias in red glasses. We enjoyed our little celebration of love, and maybe it was the wine, or maybe it wasn't, but my eyes turned into puddles.

Never trust a caseworker who comes over just to "check in".

We don't have our names down on the foster care list right now because we have a trip to Holland planned in just a few months and aren't sure we are comfortable moving a child to respite care again, while we are gone. We did say we were open to being respite carers for other foster families in the interim.

Our caseworker asks, as casually as she can, while I roll out pie crust, and read over a recipe, "well, there is something I wanted to ask you about while I'm here..."

The long and short is there are two sisters, 2 years old and 9 months old, that need respite care for 2.5 weeks, and could we take them? My brain started spinning calculating car seats and sleeping arrangements and, and, and...

At suppertime we told the kids what our caseworker had mentioned, and asked them what they thought. They immediately began working on us to convince us that we should take these girls. I explained that they were very little and that along with Finch, I would be very, very busy and it might be kind of hard for the big kids. 

Small Sun and Sprout proceeded to explain their detailed plans of how they would help me so much! They could hold the babies until they got tired! They could carry them to the car and put them in their car seats! They could take care of all their school things on their own! Please, please, please, can we take care of the baby girls?

Our family is still young, with our oldest only being six, and we are still new to the world of foster care, but already our children's hearts are completely sold out to helping little kids who need some extra loving care. I wasn't sure if I felt that I could manage five kids, with three of them being two and under, even for a short period, but my kids really, really want to say yes. That just melted my heart.

I love my family.

Happy Valentines Day. Whether you are alone or surrounded, coupled or separate, with children or without, you are loved.

Wednesday-Wednesday

It was Wednesday, June 15th, about 2 pm when I got the call asking if we could receive placement of a baby boy that very day.

It is Wednesday, January 25th, and baby is gone.

Seven months of laughing and crying, of exhaustion and gratefulness.

Now it is pouring rain and The Captain is sick and we leave for four days of camping in one hour.

Just thought I should let you know.

********************************

Updated to add: The Captain crashed out with a fever and The Sprout crawled into bed and fell asleep. The car is half packed and everything else is in bags waiting for a break in the rain to finish loading...except we won't be going tonight because The Captain is crashed out with a fever.

I'm ready to close the books on today and wake up to tomorrow.