Growing Family

Land Lust

This week The Captain and I articulated one major difference between us.

I have Land Lust, and he does not.

I want to own at least a decent-sized chunk of earth to play with, to create on, and to give our children a wild space. A suburban block just isn't meeting my needs these days. I dream of something bigger, and more free. I feel like I need that land.

It's not just me, either. My parents own acres of woods and they built their open plan log house with their bare hands. One of our favorite family pastimes is doing a creek walk on their property, and this summer all of us worked together to build a dam across the creek, using river rock. It was so amazingly fun...until the snake showed up in the water...but that's another story.

I know my brother feels the same. He might have scratched that itch a bit with the lovely yellow house, buried deep in snowdrifts, that they owned for the last couple of years near Notre Dame. Maybe in Tanzania he'll buy some ground and plant some seeds?

The Captain's not like that. He loves the flat and endless fields in Holland, as well as the expansive blue sky. He loves the living green-ness of it all. The Dutch landscape is etched in his heart as home, but he does not need to own it. He does not need to possess it. 

Even very wealthy Dutch people live on small pieces of land. They might enjoy an expansive view, but not of land they own.

What an interesting difference: Americans with the history of seeking and taking land (rightly and wrongly), with so much land to explore, and the Dutch who have been negotiating a small country for hundreds of years. 

It really makes things interesting when we talk about what we both want out of our future purchase of a house here in Australia. 

Home

I remember writing, before we moved to Sydney, that I had the feeling I'd step off the plane here lighter, and tan. There was so much excitement and anticipation surrounding our move. Going to Holland for two weeks allowed me to revisit those feelings and examine how I'm feeling in Australia, from outside of it. I can't believe we haven't left for a year and a half!

When I travel, I usually don't think about home at all. I don't think about my friends, my life, my schedule or anything. I don't miss home. I enjoy home when I return but I'm perfectly happy while I'm gone.

We had a great time in Holland (more on that another day), and I was surprised to find that amidst the busy schedule of seeing friends and family, I thought about Sydney, and my life here, constantly. The Captain and I spent sometime talking about possible plans that could take us abroad temporarily (just talk, there's nothing in the pipes), but I found myself returning again and again to the thought "I don't want to leave!"

The flight home was LONG. Have you ever been on an international flight where there is that one kid who is a hysterical, primal mess of screaming? Well one of ours pulled that routine after going 18 hours with two hours of sleep...it was not pretty. It didn't last too long and we were able to regain our composure.

The whole way on the 25+ hours of travel I watched the little plane on the screens flying its arc over Europe, the Middle East, Pakistan, India, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, and then over the ocean. When we crossed over northwest Australia I was ecstatic. When we crossed the lines to New South Wales I wanted to cheer, and when we landed in Sydney I wanted to break out in applause, as the whole flight did during a Christmas season flight from Russia to the U.S. when I was 15. And when we de-planed, I do not jest when I tell you that if I hadn't had a baby in my arms, I would have been tempted to throw myself on the terminal floor and roll around, attempting to hug the ground.

I. Love. It. Here. I want to stay. I want to hug all my Australian friends and dance in a circle. I don't really know how to explain it because I've never really felt this way before. And even though I had to kill the BIGGEST spider I've ever seen outside of a glass enclosure, in a stand-off in my bathroom, and my second morning home was clouded with post-apocalyptic haze from a red dust storm , both of which were phenomenally scary, I am so happy to be here.

We Interrupt

We interrupt this irregular program to take a trip to Holland. Will be back in a couple of weeks, saturated with the finest dairy on earth.

Cheers!

It's Raining and I'm Thinking of Holland

I realize I haven't written about Holland or the Dutch aspect of our family much, other than some pictures from Sinterklaas. A couple different things have me thinking in that direction lately, so if you'll indulge me in some puttering about that topic.

First of all, I'm seeing something of a transition in our children's bilingual language development. Small Sun can clearly distinguish now between Dutch and English. He will ask me "why did you say that in Dutch?" or ask me about words like "coleslaw", which is literally the Dutch word for cabbage, "kol" and the Dutch word for salad "sla". The Sprout is still in the stage that Small Sun used to be in, where she mixes Dutch and English together when she's talking, and doesn't have the awareness that they are two different languages. She prefers certain Dutch words, like Small Sun did at that stage, but English words make up the vast majority of her vocabulary.

The Captain has started using more complex Dutch, in talking to Small Sun, and sometimes Small Sun will ask clarifying questions if he doesn't understand a word or a concept. He is still very resistent to speaking Dutch and we've only just begun to insist he answer a question in Dutch, or repeat a phrase when asked. We feel that we've given him long enough to listen, and now we need to begin to encourage him to speak.

In the U.S., the Dutchness of our family was typically overlooked. Here where we are surrounded by so many other migrants, I think we are able to hold onto that part of our identity a bit more. I always identify our children as Dutch-American to new friends (when discussing where we've moved from, etc) and am trying to establish recognition for that part of our family identity, as equal to our American identity.

We are at the end of a straight week of rain here in Sydney. Last Sunday it was 40 (104) degrees. That evening the temperature dropped 30 Farenheit degrees and the rain started pouring. It has been steady in the low 70s(F) and wet ever since, and we're looking at another week of the same. This wet, grey, chilly weather during summer has got me thinking about Holland as well.

While we are not planning anything (and no relatives should put any stock in what I am about to write!), I have been thinking about living in Holland lately. I have always been more interested in moving back to Holland than The Captain, but we both have a number of concerns about living there. Lately I've been wondering how we can raise our children to really be Dutch-American as opposed to simply having a Dutch dad. The story we hear over and again here is people who can understand but not speak their parents' language...who enjoy their parents' food, but don't know how to cook the family recipes, etc. I am completely convinced that the best way to really know a language and culture is through immersion. I am starting to feel that despite our best efforts to preserve our Dutch heritage, without actually spending some time living in Holland, our children will have trouble operating in Dutch language and culture.

I've always felt a certain amount of concern when I've thought about taking Small Sun to live in Holland, where we might have difficulty finding an environment where he isn't isolated as a person of color. If you've ever travelled to Holland, I'm sure you've seen lovely people with nearly white blond hair and the bluest eyes. While there is a lot of diversity in Holland, there is also a lot of lovely creaminess! When I am in Holland I feel we blend fairly well in Amsterdam or Haarlem, but when we leave the big city centers, we start to really stand out.

It's only lately that I've begun to wonder if potential challenges in regards to being highly visible might be outweighed by the benefit of gaining the skill to operate effectively in a second language and culture? Every once in awhile I remember that the fact that our family was Dutch-American, intentionally bi-lingual, and planning on living abroad was one of the main things Small Sun's first mother said was important to her in choosing us. I get so focused on wondering how the transitions will affect Small Sun, that I forget that these opportunities were very important to her. So I've been wondering if we might spend some time in Holland after all, with the main focus being to really solidify Holland in our children's identities.*

Besides all that, I'm forgetting what real cheese tastes like! So, that's a bit of an update on the role that Holland is playing in our household, and conversations these days.

*I read (and heard first hand) from several adult adoptees how they so disliked being expected to embrace a culture that wasn't their's, and I think I accepted that to be true for all adoptees and assumed that Small Sun might not want to identify very much with Dutch heritage since he is not linked to it genetically. The shift that is happening in my thinking these days, is seeing connection to Dutch heritage as opportunities for him to grow as a whole person. Being comfortable in a second language and culture is a valuable thing. He is free to establish, and change, and change again, his identity as he grows. Being Dutch may or may not make the final cut into his adult identity, but along the way I hope he gains experiences and skills that contribute to his success and confidence in life.

Sinterklaas!

Every year I am super-excited about Christmas and The Captain comes along for the ride. This year I asked him to rate his excitement about Christmas verses his excitement about Sinterklaas. He explained to me that Sinterklaas is what all of his childhood holiday memories are of, and what he misses. So, I decided to make a real effort to create an authentic Sinterklaas celebration this year, and to try to invest more time in this as one of our family traditions.

I was busy for about a week, preparing. Of course, like any holiday celebration, hours of work burn up in consumption of minutes, but I am pleased with my efforts and the results.

We celebrated with some lovely friends here, who also celebrate their Dutch heritage. In fact, we went with them to a nearby (45 minutes away) "Holland House" where we were able to stock up on everything we needed! So, here are the results.

Working on two tutus, one for Sprout, and one for a friend.

The meal: Erwtensoep (Pea Soup) which is the traditional thing to have, along with bread and Edam cheese. For dessert, in addition to tons of snoepjes (sweets - thanks Dutch family and friends for sending them!), The Captain made griesmeel (a kind of firm pudding) and gluhwijn (spiced wine, made by my friend).

Here's a close-up of the soup which is more tasty than it is photogenic. Trust me.

It's a lot more than just peas. There's sausage, bacon, and ham chops so it's right off the menu for vegetarians like myself. In addition, you'll find celeriac (new to me), carrots, leek, parsley and celery leaves.

I made two Suprisen (presents wrapped in interesting/creative ways).

For Small Sun:

Lightening McQueen

And for The Sprout:

 

A strawberry.

We listened to Sinterklaas liedjes (songs), thanks Oma! Ate way too many sweets, opened presents from Holland, and had a wonderful time together. I think our first real effort was a success and also left room to grow for next year. :)

The Captain even wrote me a Sinterklaas poem, delivered in a fashion magazine (a favorite indulgence of mine). So, all in all, I'd say we did pretty well! A big huge thanks to Oma and L&E for supplying us with so many treats to help us celebrate.

Good Advertising

While I was in Holland we were snacking away on these yummy biscuits (cookies) when the wrapping caught my eye. Kudos to Noddy for featuring a child with dark skin (not just mocha) on their package and for making a delicious cookie!

No Zwarte Piet for Us

You know, sometimes it takes a long time for the offensive things present in your own life and household to come into focus. Even if they're right in front of your face like our Verjaardag Kalendar. A Verjaardag Kalendar is a staple in every dutch home. It is a birthday calendar that is not year specific, that lists the birthdays of all your friends and family. If you're Dutch, you NEED this calendar because birthdays are A BIG DEAL and even as an adult you will take sweets to everyone at your office to celebrate your own birthday.

Our calendar has a picture from The Captain's childhood at each month and it was a wedding gift from his family. Recently I've read some interesting comments about black face. I had never spent much time thinking about it. Well along comes April and one day it dawns on me that the picture of The Captain, painted black, sitting with Sinterklaas (St. Nicholas) is black face and it is offensive. My eyes widen in horror and I realize that I'm going to have to rip that picture out and explain its absence to my children.

In Holland people celebrate Sinterklaas on December 5th and it is a bigger day than Christmas. There are all sorts of legends and traditions. Sinterklaas is said to arrive on horse from Spain (and he then mounts a boat or barge and an actual man, aka Sinterklaas makes his public appearance arriving in Holland every December. It is broadcast on television and published in the newspaper, so children can't really say that Sinterklaas isn't real because there he is on the 8 o'clock news!).

Children put their shoes next to the chimney filled with a straw and a carrot for Sinterklaas' horse. In the morning they find presents and candy in their shoes.

The person that is disturbing me (and has for some time) is Sinterklaas' assistant, Zwarte (black) Piet. His job is to keep the record on children's behavior and sometimes he disciplines the naughty ones. Most Dutch people today claim that Zwarte Piet is dark from coal dust because he is the one who climbs down the chimney to deliver the gifts. That does not explain his curly hair and red lipstick. No, this is black face and the whole of Holland embraces dressing someone up like an oafish and mean dark skinned person.

And there is a picture of my husband, as a boy, dressed in that costume. I am appalled and so embarrassed.

I've tried to address this with Dutch friends and family in the past. I've tried to explain how ugly and racist this tradition is. They have brushed me off, telling me that it is innocent, that really Zwarte Piet is more important that Sinterklaas and sometimes he even bosses Sinterklaas around.

To put it frankly, giving a racist caricature power does nothing to undue the harm the caricature does in the first place. So, in my efforts to connect my children with their Dutch heritage, this is one tradition I will be decrying at every opportunity. Becoming aware of racism in myself and my surroundings is hard, but I am intent upon eradicating it as I become aware of it.

The Language Explosion

Cloudscome said she was interested in Small Sun's language acquisition so I thought I'd write a little something about that.

In our house I speak English nearly all the time with the kids. The Captain speaks ONLY Dutch with them. Our family often speaks Dutch when we are out in public because it gives privacy to our conversations, and it makes me look really cool in front of my friends. Ha.

The week before we went to Holland Small Sun was gaining a lot of new words. He also started putting some words together, which he hadn't really done before.

In Holland he was hearing a lot of new words and he was repeating everything over and over. Of course our family was excited that he could say things in Dutch so they kept encouraging him, which made him use Dutch words even more. By the end of the week he was using sentences like "Oma, auto, bye bye" which described Grandma getting in her car and us saying "bye bye" and waving.

In school (I studied child development) we learned that children raised in bilingual households "code mix" when they are learning to speak. That is, they use words from both languages, sometimes in the same sentence. Children as young as two years old begin to understand that the two languages are separate, at which point they "code switch", speaking the appropriate language to the appropriate parent, for example.

Small Sun has been behind his peers in language acquisition and I've long thought that our bilingual household might have something to do with it. He is learning two words for everything, and hearing two different languages, each with a unique set of rules. First I saw a leap ahead in his English language acquisition, and then a rocket ahead with his Dutch. He is still code mixing most of the time, but at least once he asked me first "auto?" and then repeated "car?".

I am always amazed when the Captain is carrying on a conversation with Small Sun in Dutch, using vocabulary that I don't know. I am amazed at how rapidly vocabulary is gained. Small Sun is getting in weeks what I have worked years to gain.

Journey to the Mother Land - 16 Days and Counting

That's right, it's time for our annual trip to Holland, aka The Netherlands. When we went this time last year I was starting, in the middle of, somewhere around in my second trimester. I hadn't gained any weight yet because I'd been puking so much. Then, in Holland, I was still puking, but in between bouts I was eating. Kaas (cheese), and more kaas, vla (similar to pudding), fritjes (fries), croquettes (fried dumpling type things),  aardapellen (potatoes), appeltart (apple pie), and chocolate, glorious chocolate. I gained 5 lbs. In one week. The Captain is a carnivore (and I am not) and he will be eating herring (the Dutch love it! The Captain buys it from stands on the beach, so stinky and fresh!), meatballs, and we will all be eating Spanse Pannekoeken (Spanish Pancakes) and any other pancakes we can get our hands on.

This makes me a little nervous. I'm still holding on to five pounds of baby weight (for those of you who are reading carefully, yes, I did gain BACK two pounds - blame the Easter Bunny). What am I going to do? This is food that I only get to eat once a year, that I love, that I can't get in the States unless I pay an arm and a leg. (Which we do for Calve peanut butter, Nutella, and imported cheese.) I just eat everything in sight there, like I'm about to get dropped on an island or something.

The week before we go to Holland, the Captain is going to a Java conference on the West Coast. We fly out the day after he gets back. I'm going to pack up the kids and stay with my parents for the week he's gone so that I have some help. So basically, everything needs to be ready to go for our trip by the end of next week.

I'm packing, I'm shopping, I'm making cards for Mother's Day. And there's lots more packing and shopping to do. I had so much fun going through the toy store buying special plane toys for Small Sun. In the past I've been really stressed about transatlantic flights with the kids but this time I'm so excited. I know I can nurse The Sprout to calm her and help her sleep. I know Small Sun will be excited about the plane, the new toys, and Curious George on the laptop. Ha! He also has his own seat, which makes a big difference.

Once there we have a car, and a cottage rented. We have a schedule (as all good Dutch families should) outlining who is coming to visit when. Each day is already booked up with entertaining guests, visiting friends and family, and sightseeing and shopping. The fact that we have a house makes all the difference. We can continue to have nap times and regular bedtimes, albeit all turned topsy turvey from jet lag.

The Captain's mother and oma are staying with us as well so they will dote on the kids. And the kids have their own room so we might actually get some good sleep! And did I mention we're staying in a water park resort that has all sorts of kids activities and childcare? Yea, I'm pretty stoked. Prepare for 16 more days of blogging anticipation and then an enthusiastic report afterwards.

Forgive Me

For my lack of references and forethought but I'm going to blog this topic anyway.*

I've been following Nicole, aka Paragraphein and her experience being censored by the administration of the Bethany Christian Services forums. I've been listening to Nicole for a long time. Like many others, I'd have to say that my ideas of adoption were all positive (that is, I thought adoption was a purely positive thing - a good solution to bad situations) before I started paying attention to what she had to say. Now, my perspective is drastically different. As you know, if you've been reading, I don't really know what I believe about adoption these days. It tears me up.

A long time ago Nicole mentioned something about countries like Holland and Australia have minuscule numbers of domestic voluntary adoptions compared to the U.S. The Captain did some digging around in some Dutch language resources (and here is where my lack of references comes into play) and he found that in Holland, there are approximately 50 in-country adoptions a year. 50 The Dutch adopt internationally, but the kind of domestic voluntary placements we have here are quite uncommon. They do keep track of the numbers, and that's what they are...50.

Why? What's the difference?

Off the top of my head (where this all comes from anyway) I think of a couple of things.

1. State funded (read: crazy taxes on higher wage earners and everyone else) health care.

2. Free birth control pills to women under 21 (the age cap is a new regulation, it used to be for all women, period).

3. The normalized use of birth control for all women (single and married professing Christians not excepted).

4. A silence surrounding abortion - for better or for worse, it's a silent issue.

5. State subsidization of housing for 20-40% of citizens with less than average income.

6. The absence of private schools and homeschooling being against the law leading to greater homogeny in the education system which is one of the best in the world.

Okay, so what am I saying here? (That question is for myself) First of all, women and girls are less likely to get pregnant unintentionally in the first place. They have greater access to birth control and there is less stigmatization in using it. If a woman becomes pregnant and decides to terminate, that option seems to be more easily available to her. If a woman becomes pregnant and decides to carry the baby, issues like health care, access to education and housing for herself and the baby are less of a factor in the decision making process. They may still be factors but I think that they are less.

If we had some of these same systems in America would we see plummeting voluntary placement rates? How many would there be? 50? I wonder.

*And to any of my Dutch family reading, or to the Captain, please feel free to chime in with why you think Dutch women don't voluntarily place their children for adoption as often as American women do, or more accurate statistics if I have misrepresented these.