Growing Family

Adoption in the Classroom

This week I received the Kindergarten News Topics for term four. There, in week two, is my first experience with a school assignment that just won't work for our family.

Bring in a baby photo of Mum and/or Dad and a baby photo of yourself (you can also bring in photos of your grandparents or other family members). Talk about features that you all have and decide who you look like: Mum, Dad, or both (or other relatives).

I imagine the "other family members" and "other relatives" might be the inclusive language intended for our family as our open adoption is very open in the classroom, but that still doesn't make the assignment workable for us. Here is the note I'm sending in to the teacher (who I adore).

Dear [Teacher],

I just wanted to touch base with you regarding the news topic for week two next term. While this topic will likely be a fun one for most students, it poses some trouble for adoptive families. 

For a child adopted into their family, not having a physical resemblance and shared features is often a source of sadness and pain. Children adopted into their families deal every day with not "fitting in", in their families. An assignment like this could possibly heighten that awareness.

While I can provide birth family photos to complete the assignments, I would ask you to reconsider the topic. What about a simple baby photo collage with some memories to describe?* Please let me know if I can be of help regarding this topic.

Thanks for ALL you do, we do appreciate having you as [Small Sun's] teacher!

Kohana

I am very thankful that his teacher is very enthusiastic about working towards optimal solutions for each child in the classroom and I don't think this will be an issue. I am also thankful that Small Sun is incredibly confident and even if the assignment doesn't get changed, I know he will be proud to stand up and talk about his two families, as he so often does on his own already. 

*I realize that my suggestion wouldn't work for many adoptive families who don't have baby photos and memories to describe, but it seemed an easy switch to execute and would solve the problem right in front of us, if not satisfying potential future problems. 

Rusty

I feel like an old cowboy, trying to swing my leg up over the saddle and getting stuck half-way, in an awkward standing splits. After about three years out of the adoption/child welfare conversation, I've got some new things on my mind to work out here.

After adopting Small Sun, I went deep, deep into adoption-blog world, reading all three angles of the triad (First/Birth parent, Adoptee, and Adoptive Parents). I really took in so much from the first parent and adoptee perspectives (which are as varied as the number of people holding them). Ultimately, I gained a much higher appreciation for the first parent-child bond and the need to honor and maintain that whenever possible.

With that said, all my personal experience is in a positive open adoption that was a voluntary placement. While people have their fears, I can't imagine NOT having Small Sun's mom in our lives, separate though our lives are. She is amazing. I admire her. I like her. If we lived closer, I can imagine us spending so much more time together, and maybe even being friends outside of the bond we have over our son.

Enter our first experience with foster care. 

I am part of a team that works towards restoration first, before moving on to consider other options. I am expected to interact and eventually play a part in mentoring parents who are on the track to having their child restored. This was all very clear in the agency's materials. "Perfect!" I thought. "The agency is as committed to preserving the family as I am. We're a good match."

Hypothetically, I still maintain the sanctity and value of the first parent-child bond. 

Yet, the more hours I spend holding and nurturing this tiny life, the less I can comprehend the reasons he ended up with us. 

When other people say "I could never!" or "Can you even imagine a mother who could..." when discussing placing a child for adoption, abandoning a child, or even neglecting or abusing a child, I've kept it clear in my mind that no, from a position of privilege and resource, those choices don't make sense. From sound mental health and freedom from addiction, they don't make sense. However, most children don't leave one family and end up somewhere else in circumstances that can be described as "stable, wealthy, healthy, sober, full of choices and resource" etc. 

It takes drama and trauma for a parent to surrender their child, or lose their child against their will. 

I can find empathy if I know some context of struggle for the first parent.

At the moment, in this, our first foster care placement, I don't know that contextual information. I know why the baby was removed, and what DOCS is requiring of the parents to consider restoration. I don't know their history. I don't know what compels their choices. I only know the choices themselves, and let's face it, whatever choices that end up with the state taking your child away from you are some rotten choices. 

I'm wondering how I proceed from here? How do I proceed with empathy and respect and a truly helpful attitude? How do I suspend judgement?

Here I am, up all hours of the night, and putting in those lonnnnngggg newborn days. I am feeding, dressing, bathing, burping, changing, and LOVING this baby. I am giving him everything I've got, and I'm supposed to be completely neutral towards the people who were meant to do that and failed. Beyond neutral, I'm meant to be cheerful! supportive! and helpful!

This is a tough thing. If anyone knows of foster parent bloggers, or book recommendations, I need to get through this learning curve if I'm going to be any good at this.

Isn't it amazing how a little reality can throw such a spanner in our belief systems?

 

Talking Adoption

At my son's preschool they have "Message Basket Time" where each child brings in something to show to the class. Last week Small Sun took a much-loved Hot Wheels car that his birth sister gave to him during our trip to The States. He was very excited to show it to his class and tell them that his birth-sister gave it to him.

During our regular chat on the way home from preschool I was hearing all about his day. He told me that in the morning, before message basket time, he showed his car to his mates and explained who it was from. He told me that his mates said "that's a strange story, you shouldn't say that at message basket time, we don't want to hear you talk about that again!" or something to that effect.

I asked, "do you think you friends know what a birth-sister is?" He said they don't and that they didn't want to hear about it. I asked him if he would like for me to come to his class and explain what a birth family is so that his friends would understand what he was talking about. He jumped at the idea and was really excited.

He wasn't particularly upset about the reaction from his friends, and I'm glad for that. It seems like a great opportunity for me to share with the class. I've been checking in with his (fabulous!) teachers ever since he started there a year and a half ago, to see if his adoptee status is alienating him from his peers but honestly, it hasn't really come up. I think they are finally getting old enough that it might be more relevant.

Today I talked to his teachers again at our parent-teacher meeting and they loved the idea of me sharing with the class. Unfortunately, adoption is so difficult in Australia, there are not many adoptive families around so very few children have personal experiences to draw on. I really want to present adoption in such a way that it normalizes it for the children, even if they don't have many examples of adoptive families to look to. 

I'm downloading resources from Adoptive Families Magazine and I'd love to hear any suggestions. Next year we'll be in "big school" and so I am really wanting to prepare to be a resource there as well. I am so thankful for amazing teachers and a super-open environment full of kind children and parents. It makes a somewhat nervous situation (public speaking to children!) a little less terrifying! 

Meeting My Son's Mother, Again

I can remember trying to choose the clothes I would wear to meet my son's mother the first time, when he was still on the inside of her - when he wasn't my son. I struggled with "what outfit says 'I will love this baby with all of my being', shows my personality, yet also conveys the gravity with which I view the situation. 

It all comes back to me as I look over the clothes in my suitcase. Five years on, here I am again.

What can I wear that says "My love for your son consumes me body and soul, and he is the radiance of my life." And also, "parenting is harder than I thought. I'm doing the best I can..."

............................................

I wrote the above in the car, on the ten hour journey to see my son's mother. As it turns out, all I needed were bathers. We spent the first glorious evening of their reunion swimming in the hotel pool. Trying to communicate about the weekend we shared together seems a bit blasphemous. It was so immense, and so God-filled, I am fearful of disrupting the sacredness of it all. I wish I could show you pictures, as they convey the rapture of the reunion. But I won't because beyond being identifying, they are so full of tender emotion, to share them in this way would be wrong.

Trust me when I say that it was nothing short of awesome, and adding a new category called "open adoption" on my list gives me the deepest thrill.