I enjoy writing when I'm melancholy. This isn't really such a good thing because I end up with a lot of writing that sounds like bellyaching. :) But it's just so cathartic to let these negative feelings dribble out so they don't poison me or anyone else.
I'm SO tired. Small Sun is napping and I feel like wrapping up in my down comforter and shutting out the world. Instead I'm here reading blogs and web boards and listening to Dave Matthews 'Some Devil' (which incubates the melancholy). I feel like there's no good reason for me to be tired. There was a poem I loved in high school called "Not Waving But Drowning" by Stevie Smith. I always found it so heartbreaking that the misinterpretation of someone's actions by others could result in such a catastrophe. In a VERY SMALL way I feel a bit like that right now. Like I've been cautiously telling people that I'm having a hard time but no one's really hearing me...hearing me would make all the difference right now. So, to you, my imaginary audience, this is how I'm doing: I'm not connecting with this pregnancy. I feel really bad about it. I assume things will change when I start really feeling better. I'm afraid that I'm going to feel sick in one way or another for the whole time. People keep telling me that I'll feel better soon and I'd really like to know that's true. It's just that throwing up every day (and then some) for about ten weeks straight just kind of messes with your logic. Logic isn't what's guiding me when I stagger out of the bathroom in the morning, trying to beam love and enthusiasm at my son while my husband is going out the door to work. Logic isn't cutting it. I am so tired!
I'm also sad that I've heard the "adopt and you'll get pregnant" statement about three zillion times lately. My pediatrician even told me this morning. I can handle it because it doesn't sting me personally, but every time I hear it with the ears of my friends who CAN'T get pregnant. I know the pain that statement can bring for people and I want to shake the people who keep saying it and say "what if you don't have a uterus? what if you've dealt with the heartbreak of infertility for ten years and done everything imaginable to get pregnant?"
Two years ago when we were trying to get pregnant I remember thinking that I didn't care if I had a horrible pregnancy, I just wanted to have a baby. Now I feel so shallow because my pregnancy has not been fun, but it hasn't been horrible; yet I find myself thinking "I really don't know if I would ever want to do this again". Like with pre-parenting judgments I made, I used to judge women who said they wanted to adopt because they really didn't like being pregnant. I thought "suck it up". Well now it's me thinking that and I'm sitting under the judgment that I passed on others. :)
Is this all coming out to be a bunch of blather? If so that's okay. It will only serve to illustrate my point that I am really tired...or have I said that already?
We are going to Holland on Saturday and I'm pretty stressed about that. Ten hours of travel time with a baby (on our laps), then a seven hour time difference and sleep schedules all disrupted. Then there's the cultural differences. In Holland you don't just "make yourself at home" in someone's house. That's a little complicated since toddlers seem to make themselves at home anywhere they feel like it. :) So, I'm taking any and all recommendations on international travel with babies. I've checked, our airlines doesn't have a bassinet seat.
You know, all this writing is stimulating my logical thinking. I must be so tired because over the course of the next weeks the avocado sized sprout is tripling in size. My body is manufacturing a human. That really counts for something doesn't it? One last gripe before I go smother myself in the covers: I saw the photos of myself from my cousin's wedding...I would have cried if my family wasn't standing around. I had no neck, no waist, and some very uncomplimentary clothing choices. I had worked on my outfit so carefully, trying to manage this growing body that looks more fat than pregnant. I always dreamed of myself as the sporty pregnant girl, round belly sitting atop toned legs...what happened? Okay, I go to sleep now!
You are a genius! I just got caught up reading your entries and I'm loving them! You write with such wit, intelligence and creativity. And your honesty and perspective are refreshing. Looking foward to more! :)
Posted by: Kristina | 23 May 2006 at 02:46 PM
You poor dear! Baby yourself a little, you need it. As for the travel, just try to think about the positives. You will get through it. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Hang in there.
Posted by: cloudscome | 23 May 2006 at 03:37 PM
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now, but it really will pass. Even in my difficult pregnancy, there were spots of sunshine and moments when I felt better than I've ever felt. Here's hoping they come sooner rather than later for you.
As for connecting, it's okay if that doesn't happen during all-day sickness! It's a wonder you're functioning at all. I remember very clearly the time I threw up on myself in the shower (in the shower because I had thrown up on myself) and I was sure that the baby was trying to kill both of us. How's that for lost logic? And I'm so sorry you're hearing such insensitive comments. Wish I knew what to say.
Posted by: abebech | 24 May 2006 at 09:46 AM
I second the comment that it's OK not to feel connected. It's hard when the baby is that tiny! I actually felt more connected in many ways to the baby we almost adopted. It just seemed more real. With this pregnancy, I mainly feel fat. Here's to the first time the babies kick us!
Posted by: sster | 24 May 2006 at 04:10 PM