Growing Family

My Parenting Philosophy

In college I did an independent study my senior year. My topic: adoptive transracial parenting. I read everything I could find and wrote a 20 something page paper. During the process I went from thinking transracial parenting was totally do-able, to thinking that it was pretty much impossible. In the end my conclusion can be boiled down into my parenting philosophy.

Parenting is hard. Good parenting requires commitment, consistency, and education. Each child has a unique personality that requires the parent to apply themselves to raising the child in a unique way. When a child joins the family through adoption there is one more layer of education and effort necessary in parenting. If the child is also another race than the parents, yet another layer of effort is required. Similarly, a child with special needs (learning disability, fragile health, etc) requires the parent to grow beyond the basics of parenting. So transracial adoptive parenting requires more work (in my opinion) than "regular" parenting.

My biggest question is, (to use my family as an example) can two Caucasian parents (one European and one American) instill a strong racial and ethnic pride and identity in their non-Caucasian child? Really, I don't think that they (we) can. To go back to the special needs analogy, a parent may never know what it's like to have ADHD or to be diabetic. The best a parent can do is learn as much as they can and open doors for their children to go where they cannot. I hope my special needs analogy doesn't leave anyone thinking that I view being non-white as a negative thing. Quite the contrary. I'm just saying that as much as I read and talk and listen, I will never be anything other than white. I may be a white person with insight and that's what I can offer my children. My greatest aspiration is to be their door.

A couple of the essays in a love like no other really resonated with my feelings. I'd like to include a few quotes for your consideration. In "Color Her Becky: Grappling with Race" Jill Smolowe  discusses her daughter's progressing identity as a Chinese-American daughter of white adoptive parents. She says:

Bewildering stuff, this business of race. Make too much of it, and you risk grooming your child to forge an identity based on other people's insensitivity and ignorance. Make too little of it, and you risk failing to prepare your child for life in a country that every ten years maps its racial boundaries in such meticulous detail that the 2000 Census offered 63 different options. During the prelude to an international adoption, you sift through a (pardon the expression) Chinese menu of choices. By the time you've checked all the boxes and answered your social worker's barrage of questions- Will you raise your child to respect her heritage? Will you honor your child's place of birth? Will you instill racial pride in your child?- you feel that you've considered all the angles. But all those hypotheticals are a lot like the vows you take on your wedding day when you promise to love and honor your future mate: You really mean it-you just don't have a clue what it will look like or how it will play out.

After doing my independent study and facilitating a transracial adoption support group for a year I thought I really knew all about it! I am only beginning to realize how little I know. Jill Smolowe goes on to say:

I acknowledge, embrace, and celebrate that [her daughter, Becky's, Asian identity], just as I celebrate all things Becky. But I am disinclined to try to dictate to Becky what her skin color, Asian features, and cultural heritage should mean to her. I'm not Asian; how could I possibly know? I also don't know how to instill racial pride in her, as the adoption literature often exhorts. Instead I resonate to a comment made by a Native American adult whose adoptive parents are white: "I'm very grateful that my parents never tried to give me what they weren't able to give: my Indian self. I think that causes confusion. It was my journey to find out more."

I agree with Jill in so many ways. She makes an effort to connect Becky to her Chinese heritage through culture days, relationships with other Chinese Americans, celebrating Chinese holidays, etc. Yet she also recognizes that she is only leading her daughter to a door that she cannot pass through herself. God, help me find the door.

The Mix

I feel somewhat sorry for the people that read my blog. So much of what has come out is simply a mish mash of mental flailing. It really helps me to write it, but I don't know how much fun it is for you! These are the contents rattling around my brain today:

The book I read Saturday and Sunday a love like no other: stories from adoptive parents edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe. This is honestly one of the best books on adoption that I've read. I think I'll share some quotes from it soon and do some more thinking on some of the meaty topics.

The book I read Sunday and Today: A Child Called "It": One Child's Courage to Survive by Dave Pelzer. I have to order the next book in the autobiographical series. This book is intense. It's Dave Pelzer's story about his seriously abusive childhood. When I say serious abuse, I mean it. It's amazing he lived. That also is bringing up some food for thought both theoretically and personally.

What will come to me in my library queue next?

Why does my son vacillate between self directed and content play and wacky tantrums/falling to pieces over things I don't comprehend?

I'm so happy that I have a full social schedule this week. I've been lonely for a long time and this week I'm getting to see a lot of people.

Why is my son suddenly picky and eating next to nothing? I know there's a key getting him to eat, I just don't know what it is.

What do I want my family to be like? I can't really start shaping our future if I don't know what I want it to look like.

Yesterday we saw old and dear friends at church, in from their current abode in California. Today the wife/mom/friend called me to tell me that the Lord has spoken to both her and her husband separately in the last week telling them it's time to adopt (they've been wanting to for a long time). I am totally psyched because I believe adoption can be ordained, and also because they want to adopt an AA child here in the deep south. They're a great family and I think they'll make awesome adoptive parents. So far everyone has said "we think what you did (adopting) is cool and we really want to do it too someday...after we finish having our own kids." I can understand where people are coming from and a lot of the fears they have (financial especially) but I want to encourage people that adopting early is also having their own kids. It's not like a first this and then that choice...it can all be done together.

Yea!!!!!! After 24 hours of grueling (and mostly unmedicated) labor my brother and his wife brought their daughter into the world. I'm an auntie! I'm so excited. I wondered how excited I would be about being an aunt after already being a mom. I'm crazy about it. I want to buy every girly thing in sight and send it to them (hoping that my baby girl who will be ~6 months younger will get all the hand-me-downs)! I'm so proud of my sister in law and her toughing out such a hard birth. Congratulations you guys!

Which leads me to...how am I going to get this baby out of me? She's really growing now. People are starting to call me "cute and pregnant" instead of "oddly fat". ;) I need to start working on my plan if I think I'm going to get this baby out sans epidural.

My best girl is visiting from China and I get to catch up with her this week.

We got the living room painted on Saturday and the furniture comes Wednesday. Yea!

Should we get another crib or put Small Sun in a toddler bed?

Do I really want to make falafel for dinner tonight?

And last, but not least, why, oh why does Small Sun want me to play with his toys while he watches and why is he going into hysterics when I'd rather write on my blog then play with his baby boom-box? I just don't know... Was that all I am thinking about? It's hard to hear myself think over Small Sun's shrieking. We just spent 15 minutes tickling and snuggling after he woke up, I thought that he'd be ready to play a little...it seems a snack is in order.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a GIRL!

We had our ultrasound appointment on Tuesday and it was awesome. I can't believe how much the baby moves and how little of it I actually feel. She's tap dancing in there! It was also so reassuring to see two arms, two legs, all the fingers and toes...the heart ventricles, the brain, the kidneys: it's all there, and it's all working. Sster had her ultrasound this week too and she mentioned feeling a sense or relief knowing that everything is all right with the baby - now she is free to connect and dream. I can definitely identify with that. Even though I miscarried so early with my first pregnancy, the possibility still haunts me. Each week gained brings a sense of relief and seeing a healthy baby on the screen was another reassurance. I love feeling her kick. Kick me some more baby!

While all the images were flashing by I thought I saw a little boy image and I had the hugest shock! I thought "no, it can't be!" and it wasn't. :) Who knows that I saw. At the end of the ultrasound we took a little peek at the baby bits and sure enough, she's a girl. Having a friend who had a girl on the ultrasound and a boy at delivery (wow) I asked the technician how accurate the picture is and if there's any chance it could actually be a boy. She gave me that "I'm no fool" look and said "honey, nothing's 100% but I've been doing this for 20 years and that's a girl" in a tone that implied I could bet my life on it. :) It was definitely a misty moment, and full of elation. Now we can call our baby girl by her name and I can buy those sheets!

Dear Carrie,

To my friend who rescues me by taking my crying son out of my arms when I am morning sick and crying! Carrie,

Can I just blah blah blah my brains out to you? I started an email to you and then decided to put it here as a post, so that if others have any input for my scatter brains, they can contribute too. Okay, first things first my designer friend. I have come to despise our living room. You haven't seen it for awhile but it is a humble jumble of black and white photography, a vintage orange brocade couch, odd furniture that I have covered in red with silver details, and did I mention, the walls are blue? Everything is fabulous, but nothing matches and it all must go! So, we went to a big store and bought a new couch and two coordinating chairs. Our small space can't handle a loveseat or a cozy chair - ottoman deal so we have to keep it sleek. The plan is to go for a monochromatic look with texture variations. I want to paint the walls grey and the trim white. We want some kind of luscious silk curtains in grey. Then are hardwoods are honey colored and the couch is brown. Our computer desk and accent table are all made by the fabulous Jesse of steel and a light honey hardwood. Am I crazy? Will this look good? My aspiration is to have a subtle, calm palette where I can throw lime green cushions on occasion without starting the whole room over from scratch.

Okay, something else on my mind. I am lonely! All my girlfriends, and my mom are MIA. My dear Viv has been in Holland for six weeks, My sunnyshine has been traveling (and when she's home, we've been traveling), and my mom has been living in Israel and is now in San Diego, trying to coax Eden out of Jenny. So I have had no phone chats, no cups of tea, no afternoon babysitter breathing time, no girlfriends! And that's just the ones that actually live here. Not to mention you and Jen in China, and Jenny in SD! I miss you all! Come back!

Um, did I mention that on the day I turned 20 weeks pregnant I threw up? Suck. And did I mention that this baby is kicking the pee out of me? Even the Captain can feel him/her from the outside! Tomorrow we go to get a view into my body to meet this little Sprout. I am so excited. Will she really be she? Or is my perception totally off? I've been waiting to buy these crib sheets until I know it's her. Then we can call her by her name and I'll be so excited. And if she's a he...then I'll have to start all over. :)

The summer is lovely and we've been having a blast in the kiddie pool, and the sand and water table. I'm already tan from supervising Small Sun's shenanigans outdoors. But the summer also brings a drought of tv shows and I'm out of books. I'm craving a good novel. I just requested about 7 books from the library, as all the good books reside in other libraries than ours. Hopefully those will get me going for awhile but I am taking suggestions for my reading list, as it is always coming up short.

Okay, my brain feels more free. Thanks for letting me blah blah blah it all out. You're my great girlfriend and I miss you!

Kohana

"They're Just Called Families"

I posted a list of questions on the Australia expat board. I asked "how do people in Sydney view mixed race families?". The answer I received: "they don't call them mixed-race families, just families. It's so normal." Yesterday I was in the park, waiting for the other mommies to show up for playgroup. A man was there with his daughter who looked about a year old. He was Caucasian and she was Asian. After he kept wheeling his stroller closer to us and smiling at us we started chatting. After a bit I asked him if he had adopted his daughter and indeed he had. In this neck of the woods a daughter adopted from China is normal: marrying an Asian woman and having a biracial daughter is not.

My brother and I talk about how we want to raise our kids and how we want to make a difference in the world. He lives in Southern California with his Korean-American wife and their soon-to-be-on-this-side-of-the-womb daughter. They are activists in human rights and international aide. Of course their friends come in all colors and marry, valuing each other's cultures. It was a big deal for my brother and his wife to find each other and surmount the cultural barriers that stood between them, but now that they have, their life is normal. In the environment where they live, their daughter will not be an "other".

I used to facilitate a support group for interracial families, formed through adoption. Once we did an exercise where we took pieces of colored paper and put them in a cup. One representing each of the people we interacted with in our daily lives, plus one for our doctor, our pastor, and those people representing success and power. Then we saw a visual representation of how white our worlds are, often our children being the only color variation: a speck of brown in a sea of peach. We didn't have Small Sun when I facilitated this exercise. I thought, with pride, how hard I would work to overcome all the peach in my cup until my future child would be buoyed be cheerful color. Truth is, our daily life is still peach, peach, peach.

Statistically, Nashville has a very diverse population. Realistically we live in separate neighborhoods, go to separate churches, and shop in separate stores. The children of the poor go to school together, as economic disadvantage trumps being able to choose a neighborhood. The children of the wealthy and highly educated go to school together at the finest prep schools, near the universities.

So my brother and I talk. With wealth we can put Small Sun in an environment where everyone is equal, and everyone is successful. Yet, it is so far removed from the reality of the rest of the world. We also plan to adopt from China and Africa in the future so we are likely to stand out much more than we do now. My brother thinks that by being a mixed race family in a monochromatic neighborhood we may be making more of a difference than by living in a utopia of equality. I don't t know. I just know that it sounded so wonderful to just be a family. I want our children (including the little peachy sprout) to understand that their ethnicity and cultural heritage is an important PART of their whole person, not the definition of who they are. I wonder if that can be accomplished in an environment where people don't mix in "natural" ways like marriage? Of course there are plenty of mixed race adoptive families to be found, but the culture we live in, in general doesn't support crossing the color line. Sydney sounds better and better.

Familiar Feelings

Yesterday I spent a long time on the net searching for people blogging in Sydney and resources discussing moving there. I found one excellent source in www.expatfocus.com. It was so invigorating to look on the forums and see things like "Brits moving from S. Africa to Haiti" and "Taking two kids to Dubai". People are doing it. People are up and moving from everywhere to everywhere.

Then I got into the NZ/Australia boards and I quickly found some familiar feelings. Person after person was questioning why someone would leave (primarily the UK and Europe) to come to Australia. The reasons people gave were endless: the education system is inferior, cost of living is high, the reversed seasons are a pain for holidays, and even *there's too much sunshine*! As I forged headfirst through others' negativity I began to doubt, to fear.

When I was 18 we announced to my parents and our various people that we had decided to get married. Yes, we were young, but we were ready. At that point I was working in a flower shop and there were two designers there that were in their mid-late 50s. They shook their heads and told me I'd be unhappy, that the marriage would fail, that by the time we were in our 20s we would be completely different people and regret tying ourselves down before we'd finished developing. They freaked me out. I really had to dig into myself and my God to figure out what was TRUE. What was true is that we were ready. We tied that knot at 19 and 21 and it's been tight ever since.

I had to do that same thing yesterday. What is true? We are not looking for utopia. We are not looking for the golden palace at the end of the road. We are looking for an adventure. So Kathy and Theo, shut the hell up - we're living our life.

Something Special

My Mom may be horrified.

I am pleased.

Yesterday, driving home from a nice day at my parent's place, we had the windows down and were listening to Madonna. Suddenly I felt three strong kicks right below my belly button. I have felt movement but I haven't felt anything like that. I don't know what else could have felt that strong, except kicks. I'm hovering in my seat saying "oh! oh!" and the Captain grins and says with a smile,  "just like Small Sun".

Small Son's first mother told us that the first time she felt him really move in her womb, she was driving with her girlfriend and listening to Lucky Star (Madonna). I have it in his baby book, even though my mother thinks I shouldn't. (She is a conservative who would rather Madonna not influence our young sprouts).

What a crazy coincidence (or Providence) for our kiddos to share.

Prenatal Nightmares

And no, I don't mean the ones where you birth a watermelon or drive away with your baby on top of the car.

Last night I went maternity shopping. It's become a necessity. Of course my girlfriends would let me borrow their clothes but then you have to worry about returning them in the same condition, or saying the right thing if their style isn't yours. After trying on a zillion things I ended up with one pair of funky cargo cropped pants, a pair of (boring) khaki shorts, and a cropped jacket for the fall. So today I turned to eBay, hoping some young, hip mom who happens to be my size and have my taste, would be selling all of her maternity clothes for the price of shipping - just because she wants to see another hot mama wear them. So...no dice. And that's where the nightmares come in. Have you seen these things they call maternity clothes? Oh my gosh. Okay if you're tall and lean I can probably picture it, but someone like me wearing maternity overalls? Well I think it's akin to those other pregnancy sicknesses like pica (eating non-food substances. I include in that category the woman I know who eats pickled pig's feet when she's pregnant). I guess if I was willing to spend big money I might be able to look fabulous. However, I went out with that intention last night and after several trips to the dressing room and wriggling my baby bump and my growing self in and out of countless "cute" clothes, I was mostly depressed about my new tattoos (aka, stretch marks) and my breasts that make me feel indecent. I know, I know, pregnancy is a magical time, I've got that glow, I should proudly show my growing figure...please just help me find some decent clothes to do it in! I don't want to spend the next five months wandering around in a burlap sack!

About Australia

So, some of you know me in real life and some of you don't. Either way you may or may not know about our Australia plan. Here's the story:

We've lived in a variety of places. When I was 15 my family moved to St. Petersburg, Russia for a year. That year really changed my perspective and made it a more global one. It was at the end of that trip that I met The Captain through a mutual friend who had been living in Holland. During that time I got to travel all over the former CIS. Then, after I graduated high school in the States, my best girl  and I hoisted our backpacks and went to Europe for a summer of sleeping in hostels and making soup every night out of the random veggies we bought on our way. I love Europe, especially the Irish countryside and Venice.

When we first got married we lived in Holland for six months for the Captain to finish his undergrad degree. Then we moved back here for me to finish (really start and finish, actually) mine. The Captain got his Masters while working full time and putting us both through school. He graduated with a 4.0 and no debt. I know that's not really relevant to Australia, but I am thoroughly impressed. So, The Captain grew up in a global family and traveled a lot. We are comfortable and confident in Europe and the U.S.

My husband is looking for an adventure. He needs a new challenge. He's been incredibly successful in his career and has a great job that he really enjoys. At the same time, his dreams are not here. For him, the East is the wild wild West that beckons him with challenge and promise. We've been making efforts towards moving and trying on different scenarios for about two years now. There was a job with EBay in Shanghai that was promising, but at the last minute it was decided that since The Captain didn't speak Chinese, he wouldn't integrate well into the (mandatory English speaking) office. Then there was the potential computer science teaching position, also in China, that ended up not being there at all. There were jobs in Singapore. What we've found is that visas are hard, the language barrier is hard, and while we'd like to live in China, Japan, Singapore, or nearby, it just isn't happening. Enter Australia.

Pros:
It's in the Pacific Rim and a lot of companies are tied to the Asian markets
The Captain qualifies for an excellent visa that is the next best thing to citizenship
The language barrier isn't such an issue
The cultural differences are less
Sydney (where we'd like to live) is very culturally diverse
We think we'd like it there (we've never been)

Cons:
So far, we haven't been able to apply for visas
We've never been there
???

The reason we haven't been able to send our visa applications, even though they've been filled out for over a year, is first we were waiting on Small Sun's adoption to be finalized so we could obtain a social security number and a passport for him. When that was done we found out that we are expecting. The visa includes mandatory chest xrays for tuberculosis, which can't be performed during pregnancy. So...we wait. We've decided that this fall we will make a decision: either stay here and buy a bigger house (which depresses me every time I think of it...if we don't go now, will we ever leave?), or really tuck into this Australia thing. It's so odd. We have so many things we love here. Great friends, my wonderful parents, a church we love (and in general we don't love churches), and a cozy house and garden. It's not that this is a bad place that we want to escape, it's just that there is an adventure beckoning us. Financially it doesn't make sense to leave such a good job.  But even though it might not be a wise move financially, it just feels like a move we need to make. How do you justify leaving so much peace and security for an unknown? I don't know, I just know that when we're driving with the windows down, in love and looking at the future, it's unfolding somewhere else and we are itching in our skins to get there.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggidy Jig

Well our trip was a success. Small Sun was a magnificent trooper. He didn't cry on any of the flights, even though we were traveling for a total of about 12-15 hours each way. Poor guy was coming down with something before we left and by the time we landed he was SICK. Then, poor me, I caught it from him. We spent the whole week wheezing and coughing and crying because our throats hurt so badly. However, when you have only one week in which to see all of your family and friends you there's not much to do but power through. Even being sick he charmed the family (he was meeting most of them for the first time) and that was really the point of the trip.

We rented a car and drove all over the place visiting great grandmas, aunts and uncles, The Captain's mom and dad, and our beloved friends. It was so good to be back. After just a week our link with America felt so thin and we were ready to fly home, home being somewhere else other than small-city Tennessee. It's odd - we don't want to move back to Holland but being there reminds us of all that we value and love that we're not experiencing in our current life. We spent some time with American friends in Amsterdam. They've been there for ten years and are getting ready to move, with their two small children, to Belgium to "get out of the city" for awhile. They were very enthusiastic about our desire to move to Australia and kept saying "do it, now's a great time, go for it".

Upon returning home and attending my doctor's appointment I heard the strong and steady "woosh woosh" of our baby's heartbeat. With it descended a powerful nesting instinct. Since we can't apply for visas while I'm pregnant our current plan is to wait until this fall to make THE DECISION. Do we stay here and buy a bigger house, or do accelerate our efforts to move to Sydney? Right now my nesting instinct is blind. It wants to do to this house all the projects we have in mind. It wants to buy every bigger house in the neighborhood and get settled before the baby gets here. It wants to hurry up and move to Australia so I can get that house settled...before the baby gets here. We've been waiting and waiting, for legitimate reasons, to move and right now I just want to do it. Ideally to Sydney, but soon. When I lie on my back at night (for short periods of time!) I feel like the baby is sitting cross legged on my stomach, pushing its head against my skin. It's telling me - "hey, this space is too small for us, we need to find a bigger one." Culturally, this space is to small.

Well I'm up writing all of this under the influence of jet lag. My brother Austin is expecting his baby girl any day now. My parents are globetrotting and keep calling us from their cellphone in Israel. The world we love and are connected to is so big, and we're living in such a small part of it. Anyway, Small Sun is responding to the time change with the desire to get out of his crib...at least it's 7 instead of yesterday's 5:45 am. Please forgive any blathering that has taken place here, I'm just trying to sort myself out. And yea, even though there weren't any sea storms, the trip was great.