Growing Family

The Captain's Verjaardag

Having The Captain as my lover and friend has changed my life more significantly than any other relationship. Today he turns 27 and I'd like to laud him here.

To the man who eats sushi, to a brilliant programmer and manager, to a loyal friend, to a wonderful father, an adventurer and an avid learner, to a voracious mind and a tender heart: you are all that I hoped for when I dreamed big dreams. Happy Birthday and may this year be the best one yet!

Finally, Rain

Sometimes the rain takes so long to come
That instead of greeting it with lifted heads,
    the living things look low in humility.

It is their toes, their roots, that open up
To welcome and drink in relief.
    Then, the faces lift and smile and weariness is erased.

Red in the Garden

Lantana, Tomato, Caladium

Communion

I so want Small Sun and The Sprout to feel and know and love the Trinity that I adore. How can I communicate this love to them and hold my heart's flame in such a way that it sparks theirs? It is not enough to say "we're Christians" and to point them in the direction of Christian culture. I live so far away from, and am often repulsed by what is lauded as Christianity today. I just can't identify.

Wir durfen dich nicht eigenmachtig malen

We must not portray you in king's robes,
you drifting mist that brought forth the morning.

Once again from the old paintboxes
we take the same gold for scepter and crown
that has disguised you through the ages.

Piously we produce our images of you
till they stand around you like a thousand walls.
And when our hearts would simply open,
our fervent hands hide you.

--Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God 1,4

The God I know is the one Gerard Manley Hopkins describes:

God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil:
    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil,
    And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent:
    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs-
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

Can You See

Why I call him Small Sun? He lights my life up like Christmas every day.

And We are 5

The Captain knew when he married me that he was also taking my dog into his heart. He did a good job. We lost our battle against heart disease with my precious dog in April. I miss her so much I can't even describe. It's at odd times, like when I'm opening the door slowly so I don't hit her with it, or when we go on a walk and her leash isn't hanging in the closet like it used to. Here is my lovely friend, thin from disease but still so beautiful:

We agreed that until we are moved and settled we shouldn't acquire any more pets. I love animals and grew in a house that had dogs, cats, snakes, lizards, birds, and whatever else we were taming at the time. While I missed having pets I agreed, we are busy, our house is small, we are in transition, it's so impractical.

Then Sydney showed up. Last week I was getting the kiddie pool set up for Small Sun when I heard a piteously mewing coming from under my holly bushes. Upon investigation I found an emaciated cat that hissed at me. Within minutes she was out and rubbing on my legs. Of course finding a pet in your yard, alone and in need of care is different than going out and getting one. I hoped The Captain would see it the same. Within minutes of him coming home and me telling him "we have a cat now" he was calling her "our kitty" and terribly concerned about her welfare. We decided that if she stuck it out a week here she'd be ours and we'd take her to the vet and whatnot. Well she's here, she's putting on weight, and putting up with Small Sun grabbing her paws and pulling her tail. I named her Sydney - for the future. Now we are 5.

Who Is Caring for My Health?

I don't even know how much money the health care industry generates each year. Isn't it trillions of dollars? I thought that by taking the route less traveled - a nurse midwife instead of an OB - I would be getting more personalized care and less hassle. WRONG.

I want to have a natural childbirth. I enjoyed reading Hypnobirthing: the Mongan Method and while I can't imagine myself luxuriating on a "strawberry colored mist" I did appreciate the history of birthing and all of the information about what your body is actually doing when you are laboring (or "surging" in their terminology). Growing up I only went to the doctor a handful of times. We didn't have regular checkups. We were a natural, whole-health family that cured most ailments with sleep and orange juice. Of course it helps that we were home schooled so we didn't have nearly as much exposure to germs, early mornings, or stress. It also helped that we had a great uncle who was a pediatrician and could monitor our health when needed. All that to say I am not used to doctor's offices. I've never taken an antibiotic. I don't like peeing in cups. Given my inexperience with medicine, and my good health, a midwife seems to be my best companion in bringing this healthy baby into our healthy family.

Right now I am very unhappy with my midwife/midwives. They don't return my calls. My midwife (who I've been seeing for my well-woman care for over three years) left the practice without notifying her patients. When scheduling my appointment I was simply told that she was leaving and that I would need to choose another midwife instead. What the freakin hey, what now? I just stood there all pregnant and blubbery asking, (for like, the thirtieth time) "you mean she's on vacation?". The truth just wasn't sinking in. No, she's not on vacation, she's leaving and she didn't even say goodbye. Do you know what? It really hurt my feelings to have my midwife dump me. She didn't even call. I mean, a phone breakup, as we all know from Seinfeld, is completely unacceptable, but it's better than no break up at all!

So I went in to an appointment one day and they had lost it in the books. Or, it wasn't in the books so I guess they lost it before it even made it in. So, I had to see another midwife instead. She was okay. When she found out I have a child through adoption she made some stereotypical comment about how people must love me for how good I am to adopt a child/blah/blah/blah. At the end of that appointment I had to pick my new midwife and needless to say, I didn't pick her. But this weekend some symptoms that my midwife wasn't calling me back about got worse and so after calling the on-call midwife on the weekend and not getting a call back I began hounding the office Monday morning. Finally this midwife who I saw the last time called me. Not my old midwife, not my new midwife, but the fill-in midwife is the one who is currently managing my care. Because, egads, I'm sure my old midwife has already moved on and my new midwife is probably much too busy to get to know me before she actually sits down at my appointment! I had to go in for an exam (can't you just hear the drum roll of doom as you're approaching those exams?). The midwife didn't remember hardly anything about me from two weeks ago. Then, when she has her face where no one's belongs she asks "so, which baby is this for you?" and I remind her that this is my first pregnancy (not counting an early miscarriage) but that I have a son through adoption. Her voice perks up in recognition saying "oh, you're the one who wants to adopt every other child or something, right?". Yea, I guess I'm the one. You can't remember my name, even though it's on the chart, but I'm "the one".

There's not a lot of options in my town, even though the health care industry is huge here (4 major hospitals). But maybe that's the problem - I'm in an industry. However, rather than being motivated by consumer dollars, the industry is just this huge, sluggish, overgrown slug. If it was motivated by my money I'm sure the midwife office would have newer equipment, nicer exam rooms, and that someone, sometime, somehow, would RETURN MY CALL!

Thursday Garden Expo

So Cloudscome of a wrung sponge suggested doing a Thursday photo exhibit of what is blooming in our gardens. Well, I took these pictures today in anticipation and technically, it just turned Thursday on the east coast. Since I've got a busy day tomorrow I thought I'd post them now.

These are called Sesame leaves, Shiso leaves, or Parilla leaves. I first had them when my Korean-American sister-in-law introduced them to me as a great wrap for rice, meat, and sauce. They are used similar to a lettuce wrap but they are spicy and pungent. I have a Japanese cookbook that calls for them a lot as well. I looked on the internet and found the seeds. They are delish!

The Crepe Myrtles are blasting into bloom all over the city. Even though they are indiginous to Asia, I think of them as quintisentially southern. Don't mind the tacky house in the background - it's under renovation (they keep telling us that).

Echinacea, the last traces of Liatra, and Black Eyed Susans.

Autumn Joy Sedum - It's flowers stay white through most of summer, gradually changing to pink and eventually, deep rose.

When we moved into our house there were a couple Cannas planted in the front. I have since moved them all over the yard as they multiply so fast and are perrenial here. Right now they're surrounding our chain link fence like a wall of fire.

A friend game me leeks this summer and as they are a common ingredient in Dutch cuisine, I grew them. I became so fascinated with the various forms they took that I let them go way past their edible state. There are their blossoms and I think they're very interesting.

And the best thing I found in my garden today....

Not so Big After All

Okay, I write this blog anonymously. My friends know it's me. My family knows it's me. I guess our family is unique enough that some other people could put it together if they met me and were wondering. I thought my web identity was pretty secure. But here's the catch: the web is so much smaller than I thought.

In the last week I've had two strange experiences. First of all, a poster on a web forum I use followed my link here to my blog. She then posted on the forum that she had actually met me earlier this year. With no names, and no hard identifying facts except Small Sun's one picture, she figured out who I was. It's all good because we're having her family over for dinner on Friday and I'm thrilled to hang with another mixed race family. It was just so strange that all my identifying communications identified me to someone. Then, today, on that same forum someone tells me that she can't believe it, but she saw my post on an expat forum discussing moving to Sydney! Her family (also adoptive and I think mixed race) may be moving to Sydney for a job transfer! Wild wild wild.

I guess that if you use the same web name in several places you begin to form a separate identity - your online identity. It's not likely that many other people will connect my web self with my real self, but it could happen. And hey, as long as we're developing a whole new identity, I'm tall and thin and the pregnancy weight I've gained, it's "all baby".

Thrills

My son walking in his unbalanced, eager way holding onto my finger or the fabric of my clothes.

My daughter kicking me, making my belly swell with tiny staccato protrusions.

I beam madly through tear filled eyes: I am the happiest woman in the world.