Our Family Dynamic

I've had something muddling around in my mind for awhile now and have been waiting for it to become clear before I try to articulate it. Well, it's taking too long so I'm going to go ahead and write about it anyway.

Recently Being Mama Daily republished my blog piece about my parenting philosophy. The feedback the piece received gave me some really good food for thought.  I was also a part of a discussion on the Bethany Forums where someone asked why some (white) adoptive families are more comfortable adopting a biracial child instead of a full African American child. When I thought about that question I realized that my answer was very different than it would have been a year or so ago (or pre transracial parenting experience). Before I would have thought that an adoptive family who would adopt a biracial (half AA) child but not an AA child wasn't really comfortable with the racial difference or was trying to get a child that would "pass" or something. Thinking about it now I realized that since bringing Small Sun into our family my confidence that I can raise him to be black and proud has been replaced with a looming question mark instead. On one hand I am encouraged that strength of character, self esteem, confidence, honesty, etc, are traits that will make him a strong black man and I don't need to be black to teach him those. At the same time I realize how many things I CAN'T teach him that will help him feel confident in American black culture. The fact that he is half white makes me feel a little better. Like I know I can't really fail him on that account. I wonder if other families who adopt biracial children feel like that? Like they need to cling to the fact that they can get at least half of the race identity thing right for their child? I know it's so simplistic...but for me it helps.

So this all got me thinking about another aspect of our family dynamic. That is, we are Dutch-American. At least the Captain is, and our children are. I am probably about equally well equipped as an individual, to teach my children to be proud of their Dutch heritage as I am Small Sun's black heritage. I can speak enough Dutch to communicate. I have been in Dutch culture long enough to know and understand nuances that most foreigners miss. I can cook Dutch food. However, I am still a non-Dutch person trying to connect our children with a part of their heritage that I don't share. I doubt our children will identify themselves as Dutch or that they would "fit" in Holland without a lot of effort.  There are lots of things about Dutch culture that we don't want to pass on to our children. That's why we're not living there. So while our house includes Dutch influences, we're making our own dynamic. Our house isn't particularly American either. We're both "Third Culture Kids" if you're familiar with that concept.

So, I guess I'm just working out in my mind the similarities between Small Sun's connection to black culture through our initiatives and all of our connection to Dutch culture. Again, our kids won't be culturally 100% Dutch but they'll have a Dutch passport, and Dutch language skills, and Dutch family to support them. Who's to say what makes a person really Dutch...or really African American?

The Captain recently found Light-Skinned-ed Girl . I can't tell you how refreshing it was to read an adult transracial adoptee perspective that wasn't angry or bitter or depressed. She emphasized that our mixed up families may not fit the molds that are present in American society, but that is because we have a hand in changing the shapes of those molds. The fact that we don't "fit" into one category or another is not cause for upset, but something to be explored as the categories are rapidly changing. I actually cried as I accepted the cyber "Mocha Baby Nod" from her, in acknowledgment of our wonderful family. I really don't have the answers, for us or for other people, but I'm so happy that we're black and we're white and we're Dutch and we're American and all of the other things that make our family specifically us.

Comments

[caro.d]

I loved this quote that Light-Skinned-ed Girl used:

“Psychic health, as many would have it,” he writes, “requires the child to develop a normative black racial identity, assimilating ‘realistically’ to the law of the color line.” Mixed families are changing that assumption and forcing society to deal “realistically” with the visibility of their family identity.

I just read an article ( cant remember where) where a woman, who described herself as Latina, talked about her experience with those "do-it yourself" DNA tests you can buy to get a profile of yourself. Surprisingly her results were very mixed. One had her prodominately Sub-Sahara African with a Polish mix as well as South American whereas one other test had her with a different mix. What surprised her were the elements that you wouldnt necessarily "see" on the outside for instance being African/Polish.

That aspect of her experience made me realize that so much more goes into making us who we are aside from color of skin or even where our ancestors most recently came from. Who knows! I just met a guy whose father is from Argentina but his grandfather was from Italy. So whats that? Argentinian? Italian?

Back to your post and not being Dutch. There are times when my mother dismisses something I say or brushes it off as the "stevens" side. Not her people and therefore she doesn't understand it and says "good luck" to me trying to navigate it. Granted she's slightly has tongue in cheek. But even then you have within two Californian families with cultural differences that trip up either side.

Lately I keep getting asked if Im Brazilian. Ive been asked if Im Native American, Asian, Latina, etc. My family has been in the States so long I couldn't begin to figure it out. But generations later, with all the different combinations, I still get questions. What an amazing day it will be when some just says "Hey! I like your butt, eyes, hair, whatever" without the added "what are you"?

[cloudscome]

I liked that blog too - thanks for the link. It is a lot of work figuring these things out, isn't it?

[a fellow TCK]

Interesting. So, you're a Third Culture Kid too, eh? You may already know, but just in case you don't, there's a TCK site that was a godsend for me: tckid.com and they have resources here.

[a fellow TCK]

Uhm. the links didn't work, so here it is again:
http://www.tckid.com/group/
http://tckacademy.com/class/interviews/