Growing Family

How to Vote

So, obviously the Sprout didn't maker her grand entrance yesterday. But Small Son and I did spend a nice day with my mom, so that was lovely. I didn't feel disappointed that she didn't come, I found myself doubting that she would come at all. I asked the Captain "well if she didn't come today, do you think she still wants to be born?" He assured me that yes, she does, and yes she will be. :)

So, all this waiting is a great opportunity to go to the polls and vote early. Here's the problem: I don't know who the heck to vote for! I'm in one of the Ïmportant states where my vote might count for once (I'm rather skeptical of the voting process in general) but am completely undecided and I really don't feel like sitting and researching candidates.

I grew up in a family that is very non-politically involved. My first time to vote was in the last presidential election. If you don't grow up with politics, you really don't have a blueprint of how to figure this whole thing out. I don't know of any great resource where you can go and really get a feel for what a candidate stands for, and what they have done in the past. Democrats tow their party line and Republicans tow theirs and it doesn't tell me ANYTHING. A couple of weeks ago I received a campaign call from Harold Ford Jr.'s people. It went something like this:

Campaigners: Are you planning on voting?

Me: Yes

C: Have you decided who you'll vote for?

M: No, I'm undecided.

C: Will you be voting for Harold Ford Jr.?

M: I'm undecided

C: Will you be voting for Corker?

M: I don't know, I haven't decided?

C: Well can we count on your support for Harold Ford Jr.?

M: I REALLY DON'T KNOW!

I was so frustrated that they didn't try to convince me - educate me - inform me. That was their golden opportunity to win my vote.

In Holland you can go to a website and see each candidate and the issues they're running their campaign on, as well as their past records. It's simple. You just see what they're about and decide if you're up for it or not. And it's specific - if they say they're going to improve education, they have a step by step plan of how they expect to accomplish that.

So honestly, I'm feeling guilty that I haven't voted yet. Each day the Sprout is inside is an opportunity to vote. I'm feeling guilty that I'm not putting forth the effort to educate myself on the candidates. But secretly, I'm just hoping the baby will be born so I'll have a legit reason for not participating in the process. So, anyone want to inform me or point me to a good resource? I want to vote. I want to make a difference...I just don't really know where to take the first step and I'm not passionate enough to blaze a trail.

Ouch

My belly hurts. I got out a hand held mirror today and found that the very low part of my belly that I can no longer see is sporting some angry looking stretch marks. I don't think they were there before. The baby dropped 2 cm since my last doctor's visit and I'm dilating and effacing right on target. It just feels like she's focusing all her weight on smashing downward, which I guess is good, but my low belly is paying the price.

I guess I need to say for the record, I think she'll be born tomorrow. If she's not I don't think I'll be upset or anything. In the meantime my body is going wacko, my legs feel like they're held on with rubber bands, and my whole pelvis is sore and stretching. This morning she was doing some kind of wild rolling around - probably engaging her head or something - thus making my pelvis sore.

So I'm just carrying on with nesting activities. Task of the day: find someone who wants our futon and has a single bed to swap (done). Find a twin size down comforter for the bed (done).  More laundry (done). Visit the thrift store across the street (found toy cars, some favorite books, and a cute knitted hat and sweater for the Sprout). Nap (done). Close craigslist cloth diaper deal (done). I still need to sweep and wash the kitchen floor but I'm going to rest again for a bit to try to relieve all this physical discomfort.

If you all are really sick of hearing about me being pregnant, I understand. It's kind of clouding everything else right now, though, so you'll have to wait a bit more to hear about other stuff.

For Anyone Keeping Track

My Due Date is November 5th. My mom's here, we've met with our doula, we've toured the hospital, the baby clothes are washed and ready.

I had about 5 hours of cramping/contractions on Friday (I eventually just went to sleep and woke up the next morning...no baby).  Tomorrow I'll go to the midwife and check out what was going on over the weekend. But if I turn up missing for awhile one of these days...you can guess why.

Another One Bites the Dust

Call it end-of-pregnancy compulsion, but this weekend I went out again looking for a selection of dolls beyond the blue-eyed blond numbers at Target. Now my girlfriend Carrie told me that she decided to go to the Target near her house in Connecticut, smack in the middle of the largest Brazilian population in the U.S. What did she find? ONLY BLOND HAIRED, BLUE EYED DOLLS!Ï couldn't find a doll that looked like me!" she cried. And she's white.

So...I went to Toys 'R Us, thinking CERTAINLY they would have a wide selection, right? No. They had several black cabbage patch kids, but I wanted a newborn doll. They also had two bigger dolls that were black, but again, that's not what I was looking for. I searched their white dolls for one with brown eyes, brown hair, ANYTHING! No dice.

Carrie told me that her friends told her I had to go to WalMart if I wanted to have any luck at all. On my way there I cried. I cried thinking about how I would feel if I had a little girl who didn't have blue eyes and blond hair, and how she would feel looking for a doll in the stores. Maybe it was pregnancy hormones but it tore me up. I was also bummed that the place I boycott, on principal, was the place to go to find a doll. So there I was, in WalMart, surrounded by scary, and Carrie was right. Dolls with brown eyes, several different black newborn dolls, something other than bright white.

I didn't set out to buy a black doll. Heck, the Sprout is like 98% guaranteed to have blue eyes and blond hair so all those dolls probably look just like her. I wanted to get a race ambiguous doll though - something with olive skin, or brown eyes. I guess I didn't want to buy my son a black doll to "match"him or a white doll to highlight the fact that the new baby is white. I'm sure he doesn't notice a thing, but I didn't want the doll to have anything to do with the racial make up of our family - I just wanted a doll for him to play with while we're introducing the concept of a new baby in the house. Anyway, I bought a black doll and Small Son LOVES it. He carries it around hugging it and kissing it and bringing it to us to be snuggled. So, it seems to be working. When we ask him where the Sprout is, he pats my tummy and hugs it. He points at pictures of babies and says "baby". I think he gets it as much as he's going to.

Whenever I heard about websites selling ethnic dolls and toys" I thought they must be for very specific stuff, like dolls for Japanese-Latino children - something really hard to find in the toy store. If it took that much effort to find a black doll, it must be nearly impossible to find an Asian or Latino doll. I know the older toys like Barbie and bratz might have more variety, but who wants those toys anyway? This whole experience was shocking to me and I'm pretty upset over the whole thing.

The Tough Job

Being the husband/partner of a very pregnant woman is a tough job. You've got these guys who are either a)really into pregnancy/birth/adoption/babies, b) men who are scared to death by the whole thing, and c) men who will be excited when the baby gets here, but aren't too into the whole process of getting them here (other than the original act that got them here in the first place, which they are of course, into).  Last night we went on a hospital tour with a huge crowd of preggos and dads-to-be. There are the men asserting their bravado, that when the time comes they'll make it to the hospital in record time, and blow a hole in the side of the building, if necessary, to get their girl set up in her birthing suite. There are the guys tailing along in the back of the group, looking kind of sheepish and overwhelmed. The Captain is probably a #C guy.

He's a GREAT dad. Midnight feedings, he's there. Poopy diaper #345, there. Tantrum throwing child in public - whisked away. Hungry pregnant wife at 6 a.m. kicking him in the leg and requesting bread, bread brought. Wife demanding soft pretzels and ice cream, denied and encouraged to eat celery. *steam*

Anyway, I'm starting to feel big. My belly was so cute for so long and just made everything else seem so...cute. Now, my belly is all lopsided where the Sprout is hanging her bum out on one side and stretching her legs out on the other. Imagine  a lazy boy recliner upside down and sideways...and sticking out of my torso. Then there's the fat accumulating. My belly is as hard as a rock...why is all the padding settling around my back, and horrifically on my ass and thighs?

So the other day I asked The Captain to encourage me by telling me what he still finds sexy on me, as I am feeling more and more like an over-ripe eggplant. As he tells me I close my eyes and the parts of my body he mentions light up on my mental screen, affirmed and ready to face another day. Then, the picture comes into focus and my heart sinks. Everything from my knees down is attractive, and everything from my breasts up...the part I am most worried about does not make it onto his descriptive list of fine features.  And that's why it's a really tough job. The poor guy's laying here, putting great amounts of effort into extolling strong calf muscles and sexy shoulders, while the huge pregnant girl is becoming more and more convinced that she does indeed look like the Michelin Man everywhere in between.

So my hat's off to you, Captain, and all you other supporting men. It will be over soon. You'll have some space in the bed back after the 20+ pillows are removed. You may be let off midnight snack duty. But I'd really encourage you to start thinking now, about how you want to respond when the belly deflates and your newly non-pregnant girl becomes hysterical over the floppy belly skin hanging where the baby used to be, and when the perky belly disappears and all that's left is all that other padding. Between that and the all night feedings, I think you deserve a raise.

No bull's eye for Target

I was in Target, (I am there way too much) and I was trying to find a doll for Small Son. I'd like to give him a dolly to play with/care for while I'm taking care of the Sprout. Anyway, they had a small selection to begin with and all the dolls came with gear or did stuff like cry or pee. I have enough of that going on in my house already! So they didn't have what I was looking for (a simple doll, not a childcare package!). But, the thing that bothered me most and kept me from buying any of the dolls they had was the fact that they did not have a single doll that did not have blond hair or a smooth pate you knew would be blond when the hair grew in! No brown haired dolls, definitely no Asian or black dolls, not one! Our Target has a diverse clientele so I was rather surprised. Definitely disappointed. Maybe I'll call the management and tell them they have a crummy selection on several accounts...

Is This Nesting?

In the last week I've baked shortbread, banana bread, zuchinni bread, corn/chedder muffins, and two sweet potato pies. I usually bake...a couple times a year maybe? Sure our house smells great, but how is this helping me get ready for the baby? Oh, and lightbulb I guess I DO know why I gained two pounds this week after holding steady with no weight gain for the last three!

I miss my mom

And I'm not afraid to say so. Now don't get jealous as I laud my mother's many virtues. You may think I'm putting her on a pedestal but she just lives up there!

I hear of some mothers making their daughters feel little and incompetent when it comes to their own mothering. Not my mom. She helps me be a good mother. She never misses an opportunity to tell me how well she thinks I'm doing, how impressed she was with the way I handled new motherhood, the effective a job she thinks I'm doing steering Small Sun's growth. On days when I am pulling my hair out and exhausted she helps take up the slack while complimenting me on my organized house and my well loved son.  I feel like rolling my eyes and dismissing her words...but I don't. They are a bridge that carries me from feeling tired and frustrated to loving and able to keep trying to do this job well.

Another good thing about my mom, and both my parents really, is that they maintain a wonderful balance of being available to help, but giving us freedom to parent as we see fit. If I ask my parents for a suggestion they may explain how they did things with my siblings and I but they don't ever say "I think you should be doing this". And when we're with them they never make suggestions or infer their opinions on our parenting choices. I've never felt like they were second guessing our feeding, discipline, sleep schedules, whatever. I feel like they trust that we can raise children well, and that's very empowering.

Have I mentioned that when my mom's in town we spend Wednesdays together? Since the Sprout's been growing that often means my mom comes and cleans my house ("let me clean your bathroom" she says, "the fumes aren't good for you and the baby") or spends hours slaving in my garden doing projects I wish I could. My dad comes and helps us with house tasks like painting. We also try to get together to eat  every couple of weeks. My parents treat their grown children as adults and ask us our opinions on their life decisions, valuing our input. My sister and I spoke recently about how we disliked things about our family growing up - thinking we weren't so close or our parents were unfair. After living in the real world we realize, we have it made.

So my parents have been gone for a couple weeks and won't be back for a couple more. They live in Israel part of the time. I spoke to mom this week and instead of hiding in their bomb room (they live near the Lebanese border), they're celebrating Sukkot and sleeping outside under the stars. They're gone a lot, to Canada and Israel as well as all over the U.S. I miss them a lot, especially the encouragement that they provide, and I need as I get more tired and heavy and short-tempered. I've got my eyes on the calendar, waiting for them to return. The Captain and I are working hard to be good parents. Our parents are good parents and they layed a track that we can follow. I think that's pretty priceless, from what I've seen so far.

You Know You're Getting Close

When your baby belly doubles as a push-up bra.

No, really, I am getting close. And the closer I get, the less I feel like writing. But before I become completely tunnel visioned, there's something I want to say. About transracial parenting...and God.

I'm committed to doing this (transracial parenting) right. You know, there's one right way to do it and it takes grit and sacrifice and discomfort...right? I'll throw myself to the lions if I have to, I'll go beyond my comfort zone, I'll do whatever it takes. That's the way I've been thinking about it up till now. It's gonna be hard, and it's gonna get harder, but I signed up for the job and I'm going to do it right!

Our circle of friends is ENTIRELY white and middle class. That is, unless you count our other friends who have black or biracial adopted children like we do. This isn't the way I wanted it to be. I thought that certainly we'd have a more "diverse"circle by now...but we don't. So I've been trying to figure out how to change that. I've been coming up with plans. The first step in my plan was to join the Mocha Moms group. We already have two playgroup type commitments each week and Ravi is bonded with his friends there and I draw great encouragement from the other moms. But, the playgroup we're part of is all white. As related in my playschool post, that class has some diversity. Anyway, I knew we couldn't take on yet another playgroup/commitment in the week so I was struggling with giving up our established friends at playgroup to join Mocha Moms. At our playgroup the children are the same age, we share many parenting values, and are really connected. After working on it for a little while I had a brilliant thought.

I entrust myself to God each day, to guide me and to provide for all the needs of my family. Why hadn't I thought to ask the one I view as the ultimate Provider to provide connections with other families of color where we have things in common, share values, etc. So I talked to God about it and left the whole thing alone for awhile to see what would happen.

This last Sunday we had a church picnic. There I found out that several of the black families in our church were starting an outreach program for children in their neighborhood...which ended up being a mile from MY neighborhood. I've worked in their kind of program before. They're using a choir as their gathering force to bring kids together. I sing, and I've been in choirs before! They were very warm and introduced me all around and invited us to join them whenever we can. This week I received a follow up email from them saying that if we needed änything at all" to let them know, and that we are neighbors and "family". The mom has even offered to help me learn to braid Small Sun's hair if I want.

So, here I was struggling with how to make a connection, how to find a bridge. I trust it to my God for a couple weeks and the bridge is extended to me. No effort, no struggle, no sacrifice. It makes me think about that scripture öbedience is better than sacrifice." I think that pretty much means that God has a plan, and following along with it brings better results than trying to engineer a struggle on our own. I'm eager to see what happens from here, and thankful that the hand of friendship has been extended to me.