Growing Family

Escapism or Carpe Diem?

A little while ago on the Bethany Discussion boards a white adoptive mother with African American children was asking for input on their potential move to an Asian country. Knowing that the main advice given to transracial adoptive families is to develop relationships with others from your child's ethnic background, she wondered of it was a poor choice to move to a place where that might not really be possible. Since it is so similar to our situation, it got me thinking and I thought I'd write about it.

I was in a transracial adoption seminar a couple years ago and I approached the speaker with this same question after the lecture. Her opinion (as a woman who teaches transracial adoptive families about ethnic identity development, and as an African American woman) was that moving to a country where the painful racial history of our country isn't felt daily was a great opportunity. She felt that it would enable us to teach our children both about the beautiful and painful parts of African American history and culture, but separate from the daily experience of racism. Also it would allow them to explore and decide what it meant for them, as individuals, to be black, without the pressure of pop culture to dictate it for them. I felt relieved by her affirmation of our plans and what she said resonated with me.

I think that Australia as a whole is a lot like America. They have their own black/white divide with their history of stealing land and oppressing the Aboriginal people. They too took Aboriginal children to put them in white homes and schools to assimilate them, robbing them of their heritage and culture and tearing families apart the way we did with First Nation tribes and slaves. Living there will still provide many opportunities to discuss the blight that has plagued the world time and time again, and country after country, and people group after people group. American certainly doesn't have a corner on the market when it comes to oppression, violence, and misery.

I do hope though, that by living in a huge metropolitan city like Sydney, we will be in a more ethnically mixed population. Sydney also has a large homosexual population which makes me think that in many regards it must be a more open place; certainly it will be more open than the American South.

While there might not be many African Americans, I believe that there will be Africans, Asians, and Pacific Islanders. There is a large East Indian population as well as Asian Muslims. I want Small Sun and the Sprout to go to school in a place where the mix is on the playground and not just on the politically correct posters on the classroom wall.

We hope to have a large family and anticipate the next child joining us from Africa or Asia. I don't know how we'll balance each child connecting with his or her ethnic heritage. We may not always live in places where everyone feels represented in the local population. I do hope though, that by the time we live in a place where segregation, racism, and sexism is present, that our children will have their feet firmly under them and be prepared to face that. Whether it is Nashville or Beijing, we'll be there at some point. Hopefully by then we'll be ready.

PS- still to come - Do I even believe in adoption?

What to Do?

The Captain told me that my last post should have been three different posts and he's right. So, to try to make sense of what's in my head I might post a couple different things.

I've had several different incidents where people arrived at my blog via word or image searches for things incredibly offensive to me, and anyone trying to protect their children. I don't want to mention what they were, even vaguely, for fear of attracting more negative attention. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about anyway. So I don't know what to do. I don't want to password protect my blog because I want more people to learn about it and read it. My brother says this isn't actually true because I'm not doing anything to get my writing out there. If you Google his name you'll come up with tons of links to articles he's written, his blog, and all sorts of things concerning his work and his contribution to his field. Google Kohana and you'll come up with this...and maybe contributions on weboards.

The thing is, I want people who are interested in adoption or parenting to read my blog. That's pretty much it. And I would only want to "market" that if I was writing more seriously than I am now. Right now this acts as a sort of notepad for my jumbled thoughts. "Hey come read my jumbled thoughts!" Well, that's not a big selling point. But, when I write with more focus and intention about adoption and transracial parenting, I feel like I am saying something I would like to draw people's attention to.

So...I want to be known, but I don't. Either way, I don't want to password protect and completely close off any chance of exposure. So, in order to minimize or eliminate inappropriate attention here I've removed most of my pictures, and am only posting pics that are minimally identifying, or taking them down after 24 hours or so. I'm also skewing words that might show up in word searches, and bring the wrong kind of attention. Any ideas on what else I can do? Do any of you have problems with p*rverts coming to your blog? What do you do?

We Have a Winner

Small Sun: "So what do you think, Sprouty?"

"We like it mom!"

And the best thing about it? They're both happy and don't want to get out!

This Weekend Was a Circus

First of all I want to apologize that the things that are filling my mind and occupying my time aren't huge, important issues that warrant lots of discussion and thought. Not that people really discuss things on my blog...but we all have dreams.

This weekend has been EXHAUSTING. So, I am so tired after a day with no naps yesterday (but lots of hysterical crying and banging the door), and then a night where I spent half the night in bed with Small Sun, and then swapped out with the Captain, to sleep in our bed with The Sprout.  The first thing I did this morning was consult my Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child book, which is the only parenting type book that I really appreciate and recommend. It reassured me that, other than the sleeping with Small Sun last night, we are on the right track. It may get worse before it gets better, but we didn't expect it to be easy in the first place. So, the prescribed method is to avoid eye contact and talking when Small Sun comes out of his room. We take him straight back to bed with no social interaction. The worst part is enduring the crying. It ranges from whimpers to full on crazy wailing. Our book says that it may last several hours at first, but should quickly taper off. And do you know what?  We just put Small Sun to bed and (drumroll), no crying! We'll see if he starts up but I'm thankful for any period of not crying. :)

Other major events of the weekend include attending The Greatest Circus on Earth, finishing organizing about 2000 pictures into albums, buying and planting three 6 foot hemlock trees to make our yard more private, and trying to buoy our spirits during the sleep training.

Now here's the part where you give me feedback: I'm shopping for a double stroller. I'm looking at sit and stand models, and side by side models. I want it to be

lightweight
durable
simple
moderately priced
not plaid.

Please respond with your suggestions. And if you read and have never commented, I'd love to get to meet you. You don't even have to have an opinion on double strollers, you could just make something up. Many of you have left comments for the first time and I haven't responded. I'm new to the blogging world and I'm just now learning that proper blog etiquette dictates that I should use this as an opportunity to introduce myself formerly and welcome you to my blog...well I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm Kohana and welcome to my blog. :) I'll try to do better in the future.

You may have noticed a lack of pictures here lately. That's because some creepo was looking at my kid's pictures. So I took them down as soon as I could. I'll try to post a picture now and then, but I'll only leave them up for a day at most. It's too bad that there are predators lurking around.

A final thought - my friend's mother was killed in a car crash last week and I just found out today. I've been thinking about it and praying for them all day. Can you imagine losing your mother so suddenly? I keep wondering what the last memory each of her family members has? Lately I've been aware that each moment is precious. I don't want to waste time, or do things that I wouldn't be proud to leave as my last actions. Please send some prayers/thoughts of comfort towards my friend and her family as they grieve this tragic loss. She leaves behind a husband, four beautiful daughters and a host of grandchildren.

Today's Happenings

It cost $90 to give wings to our Australia visa application. That's right folks, the visa is in the mail! Yesterday The Sprout's birth certificate FINALLY came (it had come soon after she was born, but it said she was a boy and it took awhile to straighten that out) and that was the only document lacking. In order to send it and track it, it cost a ton, but then again, so does the application itself.

So, we are actually doing it. That is, we're intending to move. The visa app. takes 8-12 months to process. Seriously, this visa app. took more paperwork than our adoption home-study. Truly, it did.

The other news of the day is that after a couple weeks of flimsy-flamsy efforts to get Small Sun into his twin bed, today we decided to go cold turkey. I bought a side guard to put on his twin bed with the mattress on the floor. We took apart his crib and carried it up into the attic while he was taking his bath. Then, when he came into his room to get dressed for bed, tadaaaa - it's time to sleep in the BIG BOY BED! Oooooooooh, Aaaaaaah.

We made it as much like his crib as possible. I bought the twin chamois sheets from Pottery Barn, like he had in his crib. The same pillow and blankets and little musical toy were transferred. So, it's been ten minutes and he's kind of protest crying a little, and playing his toy. But he's not up and out here or crying hard so, so far, so good.

I was hoping to have him transitioned by now, with about a month to get used to it before we put The Sprout in the crib. We'll see how it goes. I probably won't put her in there with him until she drops her night feeding. When is that anyway? I know some babies keep it for a long time. Small Sun was totally sleeping through the night at six weeks (don't hate me) and The Sprout is at 12 weeks and feeds at 8/9 pm, then 3/4 am, and again at about 6 am. So technically she's sleeping through the night (5 hours at a time is what they say).

She's outgrowing the little bassinet she's in. I could put her in the pack n play in our room, but as my friend observed about my reluctance "it's just because it's ugly. You don't want to use the pack n play because it's ugly." And that's totally true. Why they insist on making nearly every baby item in plaid, I don't know. I really don't like plaid, even if it's relatively innocent light blue plaid. But the fact that ugly blends into ugly doesn't mean I want it in my bedroom.

So, visa applied for, and toddler in big bed. It's a big day in our house!

What Does It Mean?

Dreams. Interpretation. Daniel, step forward please.

Last night The Captain and I both dreamt about Jennifer Lopez. In his dream she had a skinny butt. In my dream I kind of was her, and we were involved in some huge, twisted crime ring where people kept getting knocked off. There were lots of us wearing stilettos.

Analyze away. I'm going to listen to the State of the Union address on line since I don't have a TV to watch it.

Tidbits

I bought a hotsling on Ebay, then sent it back because it was too big. Hopefully the new one will arrive soon. The Sprout loves to be held and I like to use my hands to do stuff. It feels inconvenient to put her in the baby bjorn, which I love for being out and about, but dislike for a quick job in the house. Upon receiving the hotsling I realized that I could have easily made it myself, but you don't know that until you see it in real life...

In anticipation of this being our last year Stateside, we're trying to plan our travel for the year. It's important that we take the kids to see all the grandparents (our grandparents, the kid's great grandparents) before we go. We anticipate a significant drop in income once we move, and tickets to and from down under are $xp$nsiv$. So far the tour includes Holland, Nova Scotian, Pennsylvania, and maybe Michigan and Colorado.

In Holland we're thinking about setting up camp in a family park . This is a very dutch thing to do. Follow the link and hit play on the little park icon to take a virtual tour. On one hand, going to an aquatic paradise built under glass isn't the same as going to the real thing. On the other hand, if you have kids that are very young and nap a lot, it's hard to go to the real thing. They have all sorts of stuff for kids, plus nice stuff for adults (sauna, hot tubs, etc) and a play center where you can leave your kids with their staff. Yahoo.  We really need to go to Holland to show off the new baby and this seems like a good way to do it. Better than a hotel or bouncing around between people's houses. I think we're one step closer to eating at ChuckECheese.

Sadness

This week at our little playgroup I was mentioning that we're just waiting on one document before we send our Australia visa application. One of the moms was asking my why we want to move to Sydney and I mentioned that we would like to live in a more diverse, metropolitan area where our mixed race family will be more normal, as we anticipate adopting more children of different ethnicities. Another mom looked at me with empathy and said Ï don't blame you for wanting to live somewhere else. I remember when you first adopted Small Sun and we had a playgroup at the mall. It broke my heart to see the looks you were getting from the people around us." She went on to tell me about one of her neighbors who is Caucasian and has children that are African American and adopted, and then biological children that were born later. Her neighbor has heard some completely ridiculously outlandish racism, right in front of her children. I was shocked by some of the things that have been said to her.

Since that episode yesterday I've been carrying a sadness in my heart. A grieving for this fracture in our country. I wonder if life is harder for people who are straddling the color line, here in the south. We still live very segregated lives, and only our schools are mixed through busing and poverty. Those with options often choose to segregate. A biracial (AA/CA) friend of mine was working as a server in a restaurant when a man he was serving told him he wa än abomination". Wow. Those people living with both worlds (through choice or otherwise) have it pretty rough, withstanding suspicion and criticism all around.

When we were at a Martin Luther King memorial service sponsored by the Black Student Union at a local university I noticed that there were only a few non-African American people attending. At this same university, a professor has just returned to teach after being booted from the Theology department as a student, for acting as a leader in the Nashville lunch counter sit-ins during the Civil Rights Movement. His return is still seen as controversial, as he is teaching courses with titles like "Why Jesus wouldn't be modern day Christian." I was disheartened to see that so few white Nashvillians were present to honor the memory of Dr. King. I didn't make it to the march as it was raining AND nap time, but I wonder if I would have seen more support there? I'm assuming that there would be even less at the celebrations at the historically black universities.

Sigh. Sadness. Ponderings. Longings.

I pull Small Sun onto my lap and bury my nose in his curls, savoring our closeness.

Sacrifices

Oh, nothing big really. As a mother you make many little sacrifices in a day that add up to a life of greater enjoyment. But today I got to indulge in a pastime I've rarely enjoyed since kids.

Driving (fast) with my music* blaring on my after market car stereo -  way too loud for infant ears, way too loud even for in utero ears, and certainly way too loud for my ears. Car and body vibrating with the whumpy bass. Grinning from ear to ear, bobbing my head, enjoying the drive. MY space, MY time, MY car, MY music. And the fact that I was on an errand to buy a nursing bra? Didn't bother me a bit. Turn up the music baby!

*The boogy song was Justin Timberlake but the music that's moving me these days is Mindy Smith Long Island Shores, Leigh Nash Blue on Blue, and Ray LaMontagne Till the Sun Turns Black.

My Kind of Mom

What kind of mom are you? My mom recently told me about two couples who had been friends for a long time...that is, until they had kids. As their kids grew their parenting styles clashed so enormously, they eventually parted ways and the friendship dissolved.

As Small Sun gets older I'm really beginning to see how different parenting styles can create uncomfortable situations.

I guess you could perceive me as "layed back". That wouldn't really be true. There are some things that are really important to me, and other things that are not. While my friends are enthusiastic that their kid can sing his ABC's, we've never even sung the song at our house. I'm not trying to cram their little heads full of knowledge, I'm trying to expose them to many different experiences. Another mom's checklist might look like

learn ABC's, count to ten, say the colors, name the animals, and the states, and the presidents, and Einstein's theory of relativity.

Mine is more like

feel the grass, run as fast as you can, move some dirt around, feel the leather couch and the hardwood floor, eat delicious food, smell stuff, hear stuff, be polite and obedient, cuddle all the time.

The differences really come into play when my kids are playing with other people's kids. Okay, I have a degree in child development. I don't like to pull that card out often, but there is a REASON I parent the way I do. It's not that I don't think all the structured learning is important. I just think that some other things are more important.

An obvious difference between me and many moms around me is that I don't think Small Sun is old enough to understand the theoretical concept of sharing and I don't tell him to do it. He DOES understand "Joe was playing with that and we don't grab toys. Please give it back and play with this." He DOES understand "no, you can't have that, take this." He does not understand "share". I know it's good to introduce words to frame a concept that will come later, but right now he doesn't get the concept and it frustrates me when other parents expect him to.

I also think that a lot of important learning happens when children are allowed to work out their own play. If Small Sun wants to put the magnets from the book onto the refrigerator, I'll show him that they also stick to the washer and dryer and bathtub. If he's putting the puzzle piece in the wrong place, I would rather let him muddle around trying all the places instead of jumping in to assist him. The trying is most of the learning. And when two kids are trying to play with the same toy/sit in the same place/eat the same cracker, well again I would let them struggle with it for a bit before I intervened.

Now, if Small Sun is hitting, pushing, or otherwise harming another child I will be in there faster than fat on thighs. And if he is getting frustrated trying to do something and I can tell he's losing it, there I'll be to help him out. And if he is being harmful or disruptive to the environment we're in, again, I'm on it. But ultimately, I think it is good for children to try, and fail, and squabble, and work it out. Learning during childhood should be an active experience.

Unless I intentionally find my way out, much of my life is lived within a tiny little box labeled "the right way to do things". It confines nearly all of my experiences and choices. I hate it. I don't want my kids to be limited in the way that I am. I struggle to free myself and I want them to always be free. I will teach them respect and responsibility, but if they insist that cucumber slices are eyeglasses and not food, I won't try to dis way them.