Growing Family

Answering

Alice asks:

have you found yourself continuing to avoid conversations IRL about adoption? (I think I remember you writing about difficulties with these, and that the resolution at the time seemed to be having fewer conversations about it. If I'm wrong, change the question to be how are you feeling about discussions of adoptions policies IRL?) - Do you think that you experience more pressure to be the spokesperson on adoption for your family because you're the mom, as opposed to what the Captain feels? - what kind of national identities do you hope your children grow up to have, if any? yay to questions!

Hmmm. I don't know if I am avoiding conversations about adoption. I just find myself doing a lot of internal sighing. Here's the thing...

I used to be so pro adoption. I really did think that it was a win-win situation (for the mother and the child, the adoptive family have never really been a big part of my thought process); the birthmom (as I used to think of them) gets to have confidence her child is well cared for, and she can heal and move forward in her life. The child gets to be raised by an adoring family. And in the case of a child from an orphanage, a child who "didn't have a family" gets one. Bingo!

Now I am so cognizant of the loss and the pain and the inequality and injustice permeating the practice of adoption. It is hard for me to see anyone winning anything. So, I still talk about adoption at most every opportunity I get. But instead of encouraging everyone I met to adopt, I'm actually a real buzz-kill. When my parent's friends ask me about my "call to adoption" (framed in the evangelical Christian perspective) I talk as fast as I can about corrupt practices, coercive placements, and black market baby selling. I try to get in as much as I can before I see them going into overload. They wanted to hear a sweet story about how God moved me to save orphans (and there is truth in that) and I give them a super-sonic version of what's wrong with adoption today, ending with "that's why I feel called to participate in the ethical adoption of a child who really needs a family."

I end up "talking adoption" far more than the Captain because I am a more social person and talk more in general. Also, as a stay at home mom, I have more opportunities to talk about adoption at playgroups, play dates (I hate that word), the church nursery, etc. The Captain has had quite a few colleagues tell him that they were adopted and share a little of their story. I have people asking me questions or volunteering ignorant opinions. Yahoo.

I hope that my children grow up to identify themselves with as many nations as their heritage touches. I don't want my children to feel limited or pigeon-holed. They will all be Dutch-American, even if they don't have European or American blood, but if they don't identify with either of those nations, we're not so patriotic as to shove it down their throats. However, U.S. and E.U. passports are golden tickets and I want them to at least recognize that.  For any children joining our family through international adoption, I'd like to model a value of their country of origin and encourage them to include that country in their identity, even to the extent of helping them maintain or seek citizenship. And if our kids end up identifying with a country that we are living in, well that's okay too.

Erin the Beekeeper asked what music I'm ashamed to admit I have on my iPod. Well...I don't have an iPod. The Captain has one but I don't really think having one it practical for me. I would only use it in the car and I'm happy with my cds there. But in my iTunes there are 596 albums. There's surely something shameful there...maybe some old worship music like David Ruis? I'd definitely skip over that asap if it showed up in my party shuffle.

And Lillian asks what my favorite type of cheese is: probably Jarlsberg, or feta, or Gruyere, or kaas met komijn. How can you ask me to choose just one? Cheese is my favorite food group!

All Your Questions Answered

I must say I am really pleased to find out that AmFam reads my blog! And I'm enjoying your questions. So, here goes:

Tamara asked about my idea of a perfect day: Well first it would involve sleeping in (anything after eight o'clock qualifies). The day would involve spending time with my little family - you know the kinds of moments where you get all glowy looking at your hubby and kids and life seems perfect. I'd also get to work on some kind of creative project like designing a new garden or completing a sewing project. Then of course there would be lots of delicious food which I wouldn't be responsible for. Actually that's a big theme - not being responsible for anything except what I want to do!

AmFam asks "why have you chosen to move to Australia? Also, how do you think the racial/cultural mix of your family will be accepted there?"

We are moving for a couple of reasons. First of all, we never thought we'd stay in Nashville after we finished school. We always planned on leaving. The Captain wants to live in the Pacific Rim area or anywhere in the Asian continent. After starting and growing a successful business in Holland, with clients across the EU he has conquered that career front. Now he is enjoying a very successful career here, schooling mini-nerd right and left. For him, moving to a place like Japan, China, or Singapore is like heading out to the wild West. For a programmer, it's where everything big is happening.

We spent several years pursuing jobs in China and Singapore (Japan was too hard a market to break into), only to have them dissipate at the last interview because of language issues. The Captain has been studying Japanese for several years but that didn't help anywhere else! So, long story still long, we can get a great (although processed at a snail's pace) visa to Australia where we can live in Sydney, surrounded by a huge Asian population. The Captain hopes to land a job that will post us for 2 year assignments around the Pacific Rim. The Australian tech market is really linked to Japan and Southeast Asia so this plan is pretty feasible.

As for how the racial and cultural mix of our family will be accepted, I think there will be pros and cons. Australia has a significant inter-country adoption history so in that regard our family won't be an oddity. There are also many Dutch nationals who have migrated over the years so we've got that covered. What I've read is that Sydney in particular is a very diverse metropolitan city, and that mixed race families are not anything unusual. So I think it will be a good place for us. I think Muslims and perhaps Indians face some discrimination and I'm sure that it's not all roses. The one thing I can imagine might be an issue is that Small Sun might be perceived as mixed race Aboriginal. I'm not sure how people would respond to our family if they believe that to be the case, after Australia's dark history of forced adoption and assimilation. (They did to the indigenous Aboriginal population what we did to First the First Nations peoples).

Okay, I am officially long-winded. Alice, I'll answer your question next. And thanks for de-lurking!

This May Be a Longshot

A blogger I really enjoy reading, because of her dry humor and biting sarcasm, writes American Family. Every once in awhile she opens up her blog to answer reader's questions. Of course she has tons of commenters to every little thing she writes. She could say "I picked my nose" and thirty people would find something to say in reply. I am sometimes quite envious of her...but ANYWAY.

I always enjoy seeing what people come up with to ask her and I thought I would try it here. I know I am risking a resounding silence and feelings of utmost rejection, but I might also be pleasantly surprised.

So, here's your chance to ask me about something you've always wondered. Well, that level of interest might be a stretch. Ask whatever you want (given that I have the right to sidestep questions I deem inappropriate). And if it gets too quiet, would one of my dear friends jump in with something like "I saw The Sprout noshing on a great looking banana today - wherever did you get that?". ;)

Rearranging...Waiting for a Change

When you are trying to clean your house does it ever seem like you're just rearranging the mess? Dirty clothes get cleaned, dry clothes go on the kitchen table - to be folded, then moved to my bed - to be folded, to make room for lunch on the table. The dishes pile up in the sink waiting for the dishwasher to finish. Clothes hang limp on the line: there is hardly any wind.

In my bedroom, which is the place we have sworn no toys may invade, the dresser supports a stack of children's books (put there after they were weeded out of the overflowing book basket), two boxes of nursing pads (which I'm no longer using), outgrown baby clothes, an elephant, a bag of knit baby hats, and a bin of clean laundry. Lining the walls are an exersaucer, two child-sized chairs (taken from the kid's room to keep Small Sun from pestering The Sprout in the morning), a huge box of diapers (really, like over 200 diapers), a basket of toys, and most annoying of all - the hood from our stove.

I crave neatness and order. Somehow as we become more and more cramped and I try to keep clutter out of the kitchen and living room, things keep migrating to MY room.

We just got back from a wonderful trip to South Bend to see my brother and his wife and daughter. After living in an apartment for several years and his in-laws house for a couple months, they are settled into a largish, beautiful home with tons of character and warmth. I honestly don't know whether I am envious or not. I know I love their house, and I love being surrounded by their "stuff" which is all so personal. Art and photographs and shelves and shelves of books I'd like to read.

Every time we take a trip I think about moving. In every place we visit I cast my eyes around wondering, could I make a life here? Do I find anything here that draws me? From Paducah, Kentucky to Bitez, Turkey, I've been looking for a place to make my home.

It really is a big gamble to pack and move across the world, with two kids and no return ticket. If I haven't found anywhere to my liking in all the cities I've seen, in 17 countries, what makes me think Sydney will be magic? Actually, I'm not imagining that it will be.

I've been looking at real estate on line. That's what I do. I look at houses and try to imagine myself, and our family in them. I study the market, I try to understand the neighborhoods. The market in Sydney is EXPENSIVE and it is pretty realistic that they house I want, we probably can't afford there. We could probably afford some kind of really modern condo, which on one hand, I would love. On the other hand, landscaping and gardening are such grounding activities for me. I was really counting on them to tie me to the new country, the new life. I was counting on being able to occupy my time with learning the indigenous plants, and the soil and climate conditions. I was looking forward to building a relationship with earth there, and clearing out a space to put down roots.

I think about moving all the time. I wonder what day they're currently processing. I wonder how heavy of a coat I'll need. I wonder how I'll make friends. I wonder how long we'll stay before we move on to somewhere else. I wonder where that will be. I wonder how we'll adopt, and how we'll create continuity for our children if we keep moving. I wonder if I'll be able to smell the sea from my windows. I wonder if I'll ever learn to drive on the left side of the road. I wonder if we'll ever get there?

ps-And yes, I'll be blogging the whole thing.

Shaking Off Shadows

I have a little notebook I keep in the kitchen to write down memorable things that the kids do. I usually stick to the cute stuff, and milestones achieved but today I jotted this down:

Small Sun is driving me nuts right now. He's pulling a lot of the "terrible two" stunts like tantrums, hitting, not coming when he's told, screaming, etc. I feel like I'm wearing out the time out chair and the spanking spoon*. It's hard to be warm and proactive with him instead of weary and reactive. When he's frustrated he sometimes yells "no talk aan me" [aan is Dutch for to], when I'm trying to help him out. I know I should be pleased that he's expressing his frustration verbally but it really hurts my feelings. And it makes me really angry that he's constantly telling the Sprout "NO" and jerking toys away from her.

This is hard stuff for me. Small Sun really know how to push my buttons and it takes a huge amount of energy to manage the anger that comes up in me as a result of some of his actions. Yesterday I was crying and exhausted by 9:30 a.m. after he had a huge fit.

There are definitely seasons where good parenting is more hard work than poor parenting. Oh, I know that I'm doing that hard work now to reap the benefits later, and I already see lots of good fruit in my children. But there is no denying that when a child is in a new stage of growing and testing, it is really hard work. Hard work to keep MY temper, to reach out when I've been shunned, to be kind when my child is not being kind. On one hand kids are so little and malleable, but their rejection and anger really can hurt adults. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about that in all of my education and experience, but it's true. There is definitely a circular dynamic to the parent-child relationship.

I'm fighting to press forward instead of hanging back. I've heard people talk about parents who are afraid to be the parents, but let their kids get away with murder because they want to be friends with their kids. It's easy to scorn those people but the actual battle ground of making right choices is in my living room, in my kitchen, and in my backyard. When Small Sun is in meltdown mode over every little thing, do I put on a DVD to let him vedge it out? Or do I persist with patient kindness, leading him towards right behavior? When he's flipping out in the backyard because he doesn't know how to ride his tricycle and when I gently approach him to teach him and he starts screaming "no mommy", and running away, and flipping his trike over, do I let his rejection determine my future efforts to help him accomplish new things?  This is real stuff. In every interaction I am either stepping up to the challenge of trying to be a good parent, or I am sitting back and letting my child flounder to find his way.

Of course there are times when we all need a break. Of course there are times when I let things slide. Of course there are times when I lose my temper and yell back. I'm working hard, not to be perfect, but to be honest and graceful. As many times as I lose it, I am on eye level with my kids telling them what I did wrong and asking their forgiveness. I can't give them a mother who does everything right, but I can give them a mother that is trying and explaining the distance between what is right and where I am, when I don't measure up.

*I know spanking is controversial and I have been through endless debate with others and myself over the issue. I do not think spanking is right for every family, or for every child, or for every circumstance. It should be considered with special care in the case of adoption. Just my little disclaimer.

I've Been Framed

Don't tell anyone that 8 goldfish in 4 weeks have met their end trying to be our pets. The water's good, I've had it tested. I have the right food, the right tank, the right everything...to kill insane numbers of fishies. Here I thought it would be a relatively inexpensive way for Small Sun to have a pet that we could offload before the move. Instead it has been a crash course in "why things die". No, actually he hasn't figured that out yet. Especially since the Captain really did think they they were just napping, lying on the bottom of the tank, and told Small Sun as much...

A Couple of Notes

-The Sprout has stood up for a couple of seconds before plopping down on her bum. We clap ecstatically.
-Last night Small Sun stayed in his bed. Both a night light and a baby gate were employed in the event of an evacuation but neither seemed necessary. When he was snuggling in our bed this morning (as is our custom) I asked him "did you have a good sleep?" and he said, "yes, mama sleep good?" to which I could happily reply "yes, I did. Thank you sweetie!"
-I would have had more sleep if I hadn't kept myself up for hours thinking about Australia.

We can go online to find out what month's visa applications are currently being processed. They have been on August for MONTHS. Yesterday when we checked they were up to November. NOVEMBER! That means if they move at a month a month pace, we could receive our visa as soon as December! December people!!! So of course I had to stay up and try to work the logistics of this move in my head.

This is really just a recipe for disaster. This is a really complicated move. It's not one that you can plan out before you fall asleep at night. Believe me, I've spent lots of time trying. Here's where my brain always starts spinning into a rut:

We get there and take a taxi cab to...a hotel? Once there we sleep up for a day or two. Then The Captain goes out on his own and finds a car. He somehow gets the car all legal and registered and whatever and miraculously learns to drive on the left side of the road to the extent that I don't fear for our children's lives. The next day (boy was that fast!) we set out to look at apartments. Furnished? Unfurnished? Where? We drag jet lagged, time warped kids all over looking at apartments. Hopefully we find one we can move into right away. We go to Ikea and buy a ton of stuff.

Now this was one major wipe-out area. How do we get the stuff from Ikea to the house/apartment? I was freaked out about The Captain driving a moving van on the wrong side of the road. But, no worries! Today I found out that you can pay Ikea to deliver your purchases! Yahoo. So they deliver all of our stuff the next day after we buy it.

We spend a day at the new place setting up beds and whatnot so we can have somewhere for the kids to sleep. We're living out of suitcases and sitting on boxes of unassembled bookshelf units. We alternate between wild exaltation at having actually made this crazy leap, and annoying each other to death getting this house put together (we don't do projects together very well). Anyway, you can see the challenges. Mainly, the kids!

So a more feasible plan would probably entail The Captain going on ahead of us to get a job, buy a car, learn to drive it, find a house, and set up some basics in it. Hey, I can just give him a basic Ikea shopping list. Then, my mom can fly with me and the kids.

-How far ahead of us should he go? If he went like, a month ahead, could I handle it?
-Where do we live after we have our house packed up and our belongings shipped? There's certain to be a gap in there. How will we manage in OZ waiting for our stuff to arrive? It will take several weeks.

Some pros are that The Captain currently has two cousins studying in Sydney. You know, the good for help moving type! Strong lads. Another pro is that we know of at least two college students from our church who are studying there as well. They might be potential babysitters or be able to recommend some. This is high priority people!!

So, if we got our visa in December, we'd be looking at a February move. The Captain thinks that it will take us two months to set it all up. Can you believe that? February is only six months away! Granted, it could take longer, but it could be as early as six months. I've been doing what I always do: not focusing on the goal I want because I'm afraid I'll be disappointed. But this seems like we might actually be moving, after all these years of talking about it. I don't quite know what to do with myself.

Calling All Mamas

I need some mommy advice.

For the last week Small Sun has been waking up at night. Nearly every night he has been getting up and doing one of several things:

-taking his pillow and blanket and sleeping in the hallway next to our door
-standing in the hallway crying
-standing in our room crying
-and last night I woke up at 5:30 to find him on his knees with his head stuck between The Captain's bedside and the bedside table.

In the past when he'd wake up he had lost his blankie or his sippie cup and after the items were restored he went quickly back to sleep on his own.

Currently he is freaking out and doesn't want us to leave him in his bed.

We've let him sleep on the floor next to our bed twice but we don't want that to become a permanent pattern.

There are a couple things that might be contributing to his night wakings. The first occurrence happened after his first day back at playschool with new teachers and new classmates and a hectic day. There has also been a creepy guy in the store incident, and someone visiting our house who was dealing with some large scale personal stuff that might have affected our little atmosphere. I have talked to him about each of these things and prayed over him as well.

So, what do you think is going on? What would you do? Shower me with your parenting wisdom.

I wouldn't feel bad just drawing the boundary and making him go back to bed if he didn't seem so freaked out at night. We can't really tell if he's all the way awake or not. Tonight I came home from the store to find him asleep on the hallway floor. Typically his night escapades don't begin until after about 12:30 pm. I put a night light in his room when I got home and I hope that helps...anyway, bring on your wisdom!

PS-did I mention we have all hardwoods? Here this little guy is sleeping on the hardwood, with no blanket! This has got to stop!

Not Your Average Joe

Recently Snapper's Momma wrote about her home's economics and how she and Attic Man get stuff done. In thinking about her post and watching another friend survive her husband's three week long business trip to India, I've been reflecting on The Captain and the way we do things.

You know how women often like to have the husband bashing session when they're out for a girl's night? "my husband forgot my birthday, my husband never does anything to help around the house, my husband likes to play with the kids but not do any of the real work..."  you know the drill. Well during those rounds of the conversation I just settle back and sip my lemon drop, waiting for the storm to blow over. I have no complaints. I just can't identify.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I stand up for what I want in our relationship. I think we have a pretty good foundation of being generous with each other, and offering more when one or the other needs more. We both work hard. I love that The Captain recognizes that what I do, staying home with our children, is important, and exhausting. So if you want a list of stuff my Superman does, it includes, but is not limited to:

the dishes after dinner, getting the kids ready for bed, constant picking up around the house (we're both compulsive), agreed no-cook Friday where we go out or he brings home take-out, helping with the laundry if I'm having a hard time making it happen, emptying the dishwasher a couple times a week, taking out the trash most of the time, getting our cars serviced, buying me flowers and random gifts (because I'm into that), letting me sleep in while he takes the kids some weekend mornings, being fine with my generous clothes allowance and not grudging me spending money on items he wouldn't buy, gladly giving money to causes I feel are important, changing the kids diapers and getting them dressed before he leaves for work in the morning, yea, the list goes on and on.

He tells me he loves me. Every night at dinner we talk about our day and he really wants to hear how mine was. We put the kids to bed right after dinner and spend the rest of the night together. He asks my opinion. He is patient when I am controlling, funky, or hungry ("you better know the one you love. She may be hungry, but she won't say. But you better get a burger in her right away. Or else you'll be the one to pay, at the hand of the one you love. - Randy Newman, really genius with that observation!). And when I wake up from a horrible dream that he was cheating on me (brought on by watching a movie where the wife finds that out), he holds me tight and says "baby, I will NEVER cheat on you."

I don't talk about The Captain much at this venue. But I just wanted to take this little minute to say that we don't negotiate who does what. We ask each other to do stuff, and we offer to help each other. Of course The Captain has his faults; don't we all? When it comes down to it though, his faults are very few. He's genius brilliant, generous, kind, loyal, honest, a great father, the best husband, and have I mentioned he's hot? I'm just sayin...

Zoo, Zoo, Zoo, Zoo

That is the chant we had going in the car on the way to meet up with our friends. Of course Small Sun and I both had a clenched fist up in the air, accenting each shout of "zoo"! The rain held back in the clouds, the children were happy, and I am supremely thankful for the morning spent with these friends and their children. In fact, I could almost cry. I'll go take a nap now!