Growing Family

I haven't been writing much...

...and there's probably a couple reasons why.

I spent the last couple weeks without my normal kid help and I ended up feeling pretty much like my brain was mush. Creativity-low, energy-low, motivation-low. It is amazing how much a little bit of help in the week makes everything go more smoothly. I am already thinking of ways to find that help in Sydney where I'll have no social network.

I come here mostly to write about adoption and transracial parenting, two things that the majority of my peer group can't relate to. Several things have happened since I started writing, though. First, my opinions and ideas on adoption have shifted dramatically. Sometimes I'm afraid of writing something down only to change my mind next week. Also, many of my friends and family now know about my blog and I find myself sometimes censoring things I might say, in efforts to not offend people. Here I started this blog to write uncensored, the things I don't often find an ear for IRL, and now I'm holding myself back.

I'm not really sure what to do about that. I know that my friends who comment can handle my processing and the rough edges I sometimes leave exposed here. It is all of the people who COULD BE reading, but I don't know if they are that make me wonder. The Internet is such a weird place. On one hand it is so anonymous but it can also be so intimate.

So that's pretty much it. I've been busy. I'm going through a heart shift about adoption. I don't know who is reading what I'm writing.

On to other things...we spent the whole weekend working hard, painting our kitchen a color called "fresh persimmon". Fresh it is. You can only imagine how fresh. I'll post pictures when we're all done.

I've really got it in my heart to adopt again, soon. I don't think we can even begin to think about starting the process until we get to Sydney. And about Sydney, it feels like it's never going to happen. This waiting seems ENDLESS! We've been waiting for 7 months now. If this was a pregnancy I'd be almost there and if it were an adoption, we'd be at least a third of the way through. Come on, people.

So anyway, that's this and that in this neck of the woods. If anyone wants to delurk, now would be a good time.

Just Squeaking By

I just submitted photos to this year's Adoptive Families Photo contest. With hardly any time left in the day, on the last day for submissions, I am just squeaking by, but I thought I could give it another go. Hey, I could use another camera and photo package...

For those of you who don't know, here's my little time to brag. Small Sun won the candid category last year. If you remember a gorgeous little boy in very big boots, yea, he's mine. We're not the boastful type of parents, but grandparents, birthparents, we all got copies of that month's magazine. Here's hoping he wins again!

Small Sun Speaks Dunglish

Ever heard of a "slank". That's what Small Sun gets when he combines slang and snake.

Then there's "sje" which is the current affirmative response utilizing both ja and yes.

Why bother code switching when you can create language fusion?

The other day I overheard Small Sun telling the Sprout "the man bye-bye, the man weg". I guess he's still unsure which language she's speaking, but then again, so are we. Her current repertoire consists mostly of "gagagaga" and "mamamama", the latter cried pleadingly as she scoots as fast as she can after me when I leave the room.

Note to Self

When your world turns brown and sodden,
And the drive offers no views,
And the world hides her colors,
Remember you asked for this.

In the heat you dreamed of sweaters,
Your bare feet longed for boots,
Your sticky body wanted layers
To hold in warmth, not suffocate the skin.

Now the leaves are curled and falling,
But the heat lingers still.
We are stuck between the end of summer,
And the fall I'm dreaming of.

Labor Day Weekend

Was a lot of fun and a lot of labor! Highlights include getting bricks to edge a huge section of previously un-edged garden, working in the yard, eating dinner at an Indian restaurant with friends, seeing Over the Rhine play, getting rid of our old Coca Cola ceiling fan and installing a more modern, more "us" fan instead, buying all new hardware for our kitchen cabinets, and going out to my parents for some grill action.

I love that we've already eaten up one week day and I only have four left to account for. Lately I've been living for the weekends. My mom usually comes one day a week to help me out and she's been out of town or busy for the last little while. Then Small Sun's one day a week play school class has been out as well. I've had a really hard time coming up with enough indoor stuff to do with the 100+ temps we had the last couple weeks. This summer we've kind of felt like a living traffic jam in our little house.

What do you all do to keep the kids busy and yourselves from going stir crazy? Small Sun plays really well by himself right now, but not really well with his sister. Since they are together almost all day, every day, that amounts to him having a lot of fits and meltdowns because she's touching his toy or trying to pull up on his tshirt. I feel like he's going to wear a hole in the time out chair.

So Tuesday is Monday for me today, which means laundry. Here's Small Sun standing quietly at the wash line, rubbing his "softie" and getting that glazed look. (He only gets to have softie at nap time and bedtime so a couple moments stolen to snuggle it in broad daylight are more exciting than the other play options in the backyard!)

I Ordered Neopolitan

But they keep serving me vanilla.

I've had a trio of experiences this week that are weighing heavily on me.

Thursday I attended the open house for Small Sun's play school program. Judging by the other parents and children there Small Sun will be the only child in the class who is not white. His African American classmate got moved up a year since her birthday was on the line. My heart sank and I began calling around desperately, looking for an alternative.

Friday I went with a friend and her son to a children's play place about fifteen minutes outside of town. It was a large facility and I constantly scanned the premises for another family or children of color. There were none. Small Sun was once again alone in that regard.

Today we attended a friend's daughter's first birthday party. There were more than twenty adults there, with their children in tow. Once again, Small Sun was the only child who arrived with a natural tan. I couldn't help but sit there and look around in disappointment.

Three events. Three scenarios where there were lots of children present. Three doozies in a row.

What is it with this town? Why can't we connect with anyone not precisely in our racial/socioeconomic/lifestyle bracket? Why are all of these situations so monochromatic, monocultural, monobland?

In the area of connecting with a diverse crowd of people, I feel so STRANGLED in this town. I can not do this. I can not raise my children going to all white everything. I can't articulate my frustration.

I can hear the accusation in my head: if you just tried harder, things would be different. If you just did more, you'd have made more progress in this area.

This is, hands down, the biggest challenge in trans-racial parenting so far, and I didn't see it coming at all. I had no idea it would be so hard to meet people. I know how to make my best effort to make friends with people once I meet them, but you have to meet first in order to become friends. How do you ever meet when you live in such a segregated town? Again, I hear the guilt talking: try harder, overcome your fear, only you can make this happen.

And honestly, I've got to, because I will not let my son be the solitary chocolate sprinkle on a whole freaking bucket of vanilla ice cream.