Shaking Off Shadows

I have a little notebook I keep in the kitchen to write down memorable things that the kids do. I usually stick to the cute stuff, and milestones achieved but today I jotted this down:

Small Sun is driving me nuts right now. He's pulling a lot of the "terrible two" stunts like tantrums, hitting, not coming when he's told, screaming, etc. I feel like I'm wearing out the time out chair and the spanking spoon*. It's hard to be warm and proactive with him instead of weary and reactive. When he's frustrated he sometimes yells "no talk aan me" [aan is Dutch for to], when I'm trying to help him out. I know I should be pleased that he's expressing his frustration verbally but it really hurts my feelings. And it makes me really angry that he's constantly telling the Sprout "NO" and jerking toys away from her.

This is hard stuff for me. Small Sun really know how to push my buttons and it takes a huge amount of energy to manage the anger that comes up in me as a result of some of his actions. Yesterday I was crying and exhausted by 9:30 a.m. after he had a huge fit.

There are definitely seasons where good parenting is more hard work than poor parenting. Oh, I know that I'm doing that hard work now to reap the benefits later, and I already see lots of good fruit in my children. But there is no denying that when a child is in a new stage of growing and testing, it is really hard work. Hard work to keep MY temper, to reach out when I've been shunned, to be kind when my child is not being kind. On one hand kids are so little and malleable, but their rejection and anger really can hurt adults. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about that in all of my education and experience, but it's true. There is definitely a circular dynamic to the parent-child relationship.

I'm fighting to press forward instead of hanging back. I've heard people talk about parents who are afraid to be the parents, but let their kids get away with murder because they want to be friends with their kids. It's easy to scorn those people but the actual battle ground of making right choices is in my living room, in my kitchen, and in my backyard. When Small Sun is in meltdown mode over every little thing, do I put on a DVD to let him vedge it out? Or do I persist with patient kindness, leading him towards right behavior? When he's flipping out in the backyard because he doesn't know how to ride his tricycle and when I gently approach him to teach him and he starts screaming "no mommy", and running away, and flipping his trike over, do I let his rejection determine my future efforts to help him accomplish new things?  This is real stuff. In every interaction I am either stepping up to the challenge of trying to be a good parent, or I am sitting back and letting my child flounder to find his way.

Of course there are times when we all need a break. Of course there are times when I let things slide. Of course there are times when I lose my temper and yell back. I'm working hard, not to be perfect, but to be honest and graceful. As many times as I lose it, I am on eye level with my kids telling them what I did wrong and asking their forgiveness. I can't give them a mother who does everything right, but I can give them a mother that is trying and explaining the distance between what is right and where I am, when I don't measure up.

*I know spanking is controversial and I have been through endless debate with others and myself over the issue. I do not think spanking is right for every family, or for every child, or for every circumstance. It should be considered with special care in the case of adoption. Just my little disclaimer.

Comments

[Amie R]

OH KOHANA! If you ONLY knew how much I relate to your post, and my boy is not even 2 yet!

[Jamie]

Hey girl.
I RELATE too! LIfe is hard and our kids can push our buttons like no one else. They know what gets to us.

I understand!!!!!!

I have a question for you though ... I'm curious why you say that spanking should be considered with special care in the case of adoption? Just wondering if you think that if you have both bio and adopted children ... should you only spank the bio ones? Just curious as to your opinion.

:)jamie

[Kohana]

Jamie,

First of all, I think that whether or not you spank any child has a lot to do with their personality and temperment and what types of discipline are effective in guiding their behavior. For some children a time out or removing a privilege is MORE than enough to get their attention. For others, sometimes a spank may be beneficial. So in general I don't think that all children respond well to physical discipline, and not all children should be spanked.

To take it into adoption, I think it is important to remember that our children, even those who are adopted as infants, have life history. So I'd look at factors like:

1)Was violence or abuse a factor in the child's first family
2)Has the child experienced abuse
3)What role does physical discipline play in the child's birth culture (some cultures absolutely do not spank, some give beatings...)

And really, even if those other things weren't factors, I don't know if I'd consider it appropriate to spank any child that hasn't fully bonded and integrated into the family yet. I have friends who feel differently and feel that all the children in their family should be disciplined the same and that extending the same love through discipline to a new child in the family is important. Personally, I think most kids being adopted (not as infants - obviously we're not talking about spanking babies) need strong stucture and LOTS of love. I would hold off on introducing spanking for a long time. I think I'd stick to redirection, time outs, lots and lots of praise for appropriate behavior and the like. A new child might not have any kind of understanding or context for a spanking and might receive it as abuse. I wouldn't want to risk that with a child I'm trying to bond with. But that's just my opinion this side of the experience. Ask me again in a couple years after we've adopted a toddler/preschooler. ;)

[Jamie]

I totally see what you are saying. I guess in my own mind I was thinking of my family wiht one bio child, one adopted (as a newborn) and wondering why we would change our discipline just because D is adopted.

Each child does respond different to spankings. Our oldest FREAKS out at the word and will imediately obey. OUr youngest (who happens to be our adopted child) could care less if he gets in time out and responds better to a spanking.

Our family doesn't spank often, but we do if it is a severe enough behavior or direct disobedience. We try to do time outs more.

I COMPLETELY understand about examining the situation from which you child came from before entering you family. When I think about Dowensky (the child we are adoptiong from Haiti that is 2) I can't even phathom spanking him. I want him to feel loved and accepted in our home and know that will take lots of time.

For some reason when I read your post I was only thinking infant adoption and it never occured to me that some children are joined into families well into their toddler and preschool age. DUH how could I forget since we are adopting a toddler!!!!

Thanks for your honesty.

:)Jamie