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16 November 2007


Alison Bynum

ok - please tell me those meetings aren't always that boring...it was a completely awkward experience all the way around!


I know what you mean here. Sometimes the most loving pro-reform thing you can do is be very gentle with people starting out. It seems kinda contradictory but it's the best way to open people up to hearing, I think. For all the entitlement of pre-adoptive parents, there's an awful lot of agony/fear/sorrow/longing there, too.


As a pre-adoptive parent with 2 bio kids I struggle with the utter unfairness of it all. And I struggle with the inability to resolve the pain of this child that is mixed with the joy of this experience for me. So we struggle with the tough questions and continue to move forward in the process. And then I question if it is hypocritical to move forward? No easy answers.


If I were you I would feel blindsided by the way that meeting was set up. I don't know how that social worker could be so unthinking, to put you on the spot like that. I also think you are really brave and kind to respond the way you did.

I feel the same kind of anxiety in telling my story. I am so wonderfully blessed with my three children; I got to keep my birth son when many women lose theirs in similar situations. I got to give birth. Then I am blessed with two more! Two darlings that other families had to relinquish. It is heart breaking.

But these boys fill my life with such joy. I really don't even know how to talk about it, let alone answer pre-adoptive parent questions, explain things, have a balanced view, alert them to injustice, cover all the implications.... it exhausts me just thinking about it.

Yet I feel I am responsible to speak the truth to those who are coming down the same path toward adoption.The truth of the joy, the goodness, the blessing, the pain, the sadness, the loss, the corruption...

All I can think to do is pray that the Spirit will speak through me, and try to keep my heart open. I am afraid I often fall silent out of confusion and anxiety.


Ah, I am so glad I stopped by today! I read something on a brand new a-parent blog today that really rankled, and I have been getting ready to have a rant about it. But you are so, so right - very few at the front end of this journey really hear the hard stuff, nor is it my place to force anyone starting their own journey to accept my point of view.

Thank you. I needed this.

And I hope you and your family had a wonderful holiday!!!

Lisa V

We speak at a lot of these meetings. Years ago a social worker cautioned me to be careful about the amount of openness I had in our adoption. A new family could hear the tales of our life and shut down thinking they were going to be forced into something they weren't ready for. It's hard not to tell them "do this, this and this." You are very right, honest , but gentle is the way to go.

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