You would think that being hyper aware of the adoption losses of Small Sun and the way different experiences might induce anxiety for him, I would be more aware of how both my children may struggle through transition. Quite the opposite, actually. I get the award of the year for Oblivious Mom.
The Sprout had her 15 month shots about two weeks ago and the ped. observed that she had an ear infection as well. We agreed to watch it before doing antibiotics (which basically means that I say "okay, we'll watch it for a bit" fully aware that I WILL NOT call in for a prescription unless the world is coming to an end). So I've been focusing on her getting lots of sleep and good nutrition and vitamin C and fluids. On top of the effects of the shots and her ear, she's been cutting her incisors for what feels like FOREVER.
I feel as if I've been holding her non-stop for a week. She's always been a snugler but lately, the moment I set her down is the moment she starts crying. The Captain dubbed her "The Saddest Girl In The World" because when she cries it is SO dramatic, and SO heartfelt. Even if it's over something I can't see as significant, she applies her full energy to her grieving.
The last couple days she has been playing on her own some, but as soon as I turn to something I actually need to do, she plasters herself to my legs, crying with all her might, sprouting cartoonish tears, and falling down on my feet. It is A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G. I've spent so much time holding and soothing and consoling her and I'm about worn out with it.
Then tonight, I was on the phone with my mom, and she was commenting on how it sounded like I was in a big empty space, and indeed I was: our house is about half full at this point. My mom made the comment that the Sprout must be having a really hard time, with not feeling well to begin with, and then witnessing her whole world and environment change without having the verbal ability to process it.
Dumb mom moment of the year. (I hope.) Here I've been talking Small Sun through every step. Prepping him for each change before it comes, saying goodbye to furniture before it leaves, rehearsing over and over what will happen in the next couple of months. I completely overlooked the little bewildered girl hanging onto my legs. How do I explain to her what's happening?
I think my attention to Small Sun's losses sometimes clouds my focus on the Sprout's need for guidance. I feel so bad that I haven't done more to help her through this. I've even been steeling myself for a rash of regressive behaviors in Small Sun, when we move to my parent's this week. I've got to take some time to figure out how to soften this transition for my baby girl too.
I know...I have no clue how to "talk" J through all of these transitions coming up. I guess talking him through it with pictures might help a little, and making sure he has transition objects. I think I am more worried about him than B for sure.
Posted by: Amie R | 27 February 2008 at 02:01 AM
Just when you think you know what you're doing it all shifts, right? The good thing is Sprout has probably been listening to everything you say to Small Sun and processing it on her level. She just needs a little more attention directly. She'll do OK. I'm having the same kind of shift in focus with my two little ones. It used to be Buddy that I worried about and now Punkin's teachers are talking to me about his incorrigible behavior. Oy.
Posted by: cloudscome | 01 March 2008 at 06:26 AM
Hi--just noodling around, getting an intro to the adoption blog world...andI happen to have done this--moved with a fifteen month old. And he did struggle, more than I had realized--your mom is right! So many familiar things, people, just gone, and no words to process! We had some massive attacks of clinginess and a real personality change to a much, much more reserved kid for a time.
The thing that helped him most--besides time--was a visit we paid back to the old 'hood. I don't know if you can bring that off--but realizing that all of it was STILL THERE seemed to make a huge difference to him. If I haven't read far enough and you're moving across the world, forgive me. Having he same visitors--Grandma, etc.--helped a lot too. We sould see big relaxation after that. And now, five years later? Water under the bridge!
Good luck from a random internet!
Posted by: Lola Granola | 04 March 2008 at 11:32 PM