Conversation #1
Last week, we were walking down the street when a man was looking for the entrance to a construction site near our house. I pointed him to the entrance.
Man: "are these both your children?"
Me: "yes, my son and my daughter."
Man: "but they are...but he is...are there two different..."
Me: "we adopted my son"
Man (puzzled): "what"
Me: "we adopted my son"
Conversation #2
Visiting a home-group for a church we're considering, the members asked lots of questions about our family and were interested in Small Sun. We had already told them that we adopted him into our family.
People: "what is he?"
Us: "he is black American"
People: "is he all black? because his skin is..."
Us: "yes, he is biracial"
People: "the other half, what is it?"
Conversation #3
Today at the park, my kids were playing with a little boy who was there with his grandmother (I think she was his grandmother but she might have been his nanny.).
Grandmother: "these are your children?"
Me: "yes, my son and my daughter."
Grandmother: "he is brown and she is white"
I nod.
Grandmother: "is he from mixed
I say "yes" while hearing her continue "mixed marriage?"
I don't correct her.
Grandmother: "children from mixed marriage are the most beautiful children. Such beautiful, beautiful children."
It might bear mentioning that the man in conversation #1 had accented English and appeared to be from the Middle East, perhaps? In conversation #2 the participants were Malaysian immigrants and Australians with Vietnamese heritage. In conversation #3 the grandmother was speaking accented English and another language with the little boy. I believe I recognized Italian, given that our neighborhood is historically Italian. Also, the more I look into it, the more my initial impressions are confirmed. Adoption is not common here. No one has assumed that possibility. At the playgroup I've attended for the last month, I'll mention that we adopted and people will say "I wondered why they looked so different" or someone asked me "does your husband have hair like your son?" with my daughter there as an obvious contrast.
I am facing two obstacles: back in the U.S., I would have quickly put people in their place for asking such forward questions. Here, I don't know what the cultural rules are, especially given the great mix of cultures, both first and second generation. Then there's the matter of Small Sun being at the age where he is listening and internalizing my answers. I feel like I'd know what to do, back in our old stomping grounds. But then again, back in our old stomping grounds I don't think I'd be fielding these type of questions. Or at least not three in one week! Suggestions?
Last week, we were walking down the street when a man was looking for the entrance to a construction site near our house. I pointed him to the entrance.
Man: "are these both your children?"
Me: "yes, my son and my daughter."
Man: "but they are...but he is...are there two different..."
Me: "we adopted my son"
Man (puzzled): "what"
Me: "we adopted my son"
Conversation #2
Visiting a home-group for a church we're considering, the members asked lots of questions about our family and were interested in Small Sun. We had already told them that we adopted him into our family.
People: "what is he?"
Us: "he is black American"
People: "is he all black? because his skin is..."
Us: "yes, he is biracial"
People: "the other half, what is it?"
Conversation #3
Today at the park, my kids were playing with a little boy who was there with his grandmother (I think she was his grandmother but she might have been his nanny.).
Grandmother: "these are your children?"
Me: "yes, my son and my daughter."
Grandmother: "he is brown and she is white"
I nod.
Grandmother: "is he from mixed
I say "yes" while hearing her continue "mixed marriage?"
I don't correct her.
Grandmother: "children from mixed marriage are the most beautiful children. Such beautiful, beautiful children."
It might bear mentioning that the man in conversation #1 had accented English and appeared to be from the Middle East, perhaps? In conversation #2 the participants were Malaysian immigrants and Australians with Vietnamese heritage. In conversation #3 the grandmother was speaking accented English and another language with the little boy. I believe I recognized Italian, given that our neighborhood is historically Italian. Also, the more I look into it, the more my initial impressions are confirmed. Adoption is not common here. No one has assumed that possibility. At the playgroup I've attended for the last month, I'll mention that we adopted and people will say "I wondered why they looked so different" or someone asked me "does your husband have hair like your son?" with my daughter there as an obvious contrast.
I am facing two obstacles: back in the U.S., I would have quickly put people in their place for asking such forward questions. Here, I don't know what the cultural rules are, especially given the great mix of cultures, both first and second generation. Then there's the matter of Small Sun being at the age where he is listening and internalizing my answers. I feel like I'd know what to do, back in our old stomping grounds. But then again, back in our old stomping grounds I don't think I'd be fielding these type of questions. Or at least not three in one week! Suggestions?
You could make up a pamphlet explaining your family for anyone that starts to look at you in that questioning or confused manner.
I am so kidding. I know I'm no help, but I hope someone can give you some good input. That's gotta be so... (I can't think of the right word.)
Posted by: Wendy | 26 May 2008 at 04:15 PM
Hmm...I am still really bad at coming up with any answers besides the ones that give out all kinds of info. So, I can't really help you out on that one. I just tell them what they are asking for the most part, or rephrase their question first if it is rude.
Regardless of the cultures there, you and your family have a culture too, and it should be respected. I don't think that you should feel like you have to answer the forward questions if you don't want to. If Small Sun decides he wants to answer those type of questions, then you can still teach him how to do so in a way that he is comfortable.
Posted by: Amie R | 26 May 2008 at 10:23 PM
Wow you are really getting it from all sides! Interesting that the questioners you mentioned all have some mixed heritage or immigrant possibility. Maybe they are outside the norm enough to blurt out rude questions without knowing how to say it more delicately? You are in a unique situation being the foreigners and being atypical yourselves.
I think I would look really hard for some Aussie transracial families and ask them how they handle it. Maybe there's an online forum if you don't have any living near you? or an agency adoptive family group? You've got to figure out how an Aussie would respond and then figure out how you want to adapt that. Tall order!
Maybe you can smile and act like it's an American thing. Like "back home we say Heinz 57 ha ha". They won't know what to make of it but they'll think it's just how wacky Americans talk. Or just shrug and say "We're Americans! A lot of us are mixed." Smile big and ask them about their kids (or something Australian) like it's a fascinating subject for you as a foreigner.
Posted by: cloudscome | 28 May 2008 at 12:34 PM