Say It Loud

A lot of transracial parenting is just simple parenting. Then there are these moments that are just kind of...odd.

Today we were having a dance party in the living room (ahem), lounge, like we often do. Even Sprouty is starting to wiggle and twist these days. So Small Sun and I are dancing hard to James Brown and we're singing "Say it loud, I'm black, I'm proud!"

Now we love James Brown at our house. But what am I supposed to say? "Say it loud, he's black, I'm proud!"? And what about the little Sprout when she gets old enough to sing along?

I've made a new acquaintance here. She is also an American expatriate, married to a European, raising a biracial child. She is black.  I don't know if I should attribute it to us both being outside of American culture, or the common bond of raising biracial boys, but we have talked a lot about race and what surrounds it in the couple hours we've spent together.

The other day she asked me what I tell Small Sun when he asks me "what he is." She said that even though there are other children of color and other mixed-race children at her son's preschool, his peers ask her son what he is and so he comes home and asks her.  He's 3 1/2.

I told her I haven't told Small Sun anything. He hasn't asked me anything.

We read affirming books about being black. Like  Shades of Black, that shows lots of children with African heritage, all with different skin tones, hair textures and eye colors. But honestly, I haven't spoken to Small Sun about his ethnicity hardly at all. I tell him I love his curly hair or his beautiful brown skin, but that's about it.

The reason I haven't is that I don't want to draw his attention to the difference between us prematurely. I am ready to discuss it when he notices or when he says something about it, but it doesn't make sense to me to say "did you ever notice that you're brown and mommy is tan?" In my mind, I can't really figure out where that conversation would go. We talk about adoption, and we talk about his mother, and he sees her picture frequently, but talking about her wouldn't really lead to any explanation for his ethnicity.

About two months ago Small Sun was looking at his foot and he said "hey mom! My foot, it's brown!" and I said something like "yes, good job!" because he still can't tell his colors with any consistency.

So to wander around this topic, I guess I'm saying that I'm trying to affirm the idea of being black, in hopes that when Small Sun starts to realize he is black, he'll know it's a good thing. At this point, I think I'll continue to wait until he's asking before I start explaining why we don't "match". I guess I'll just have to start singing "Say it loud, he's black, I'm proud" next time we're grooving with James Brown.

Comments

[Amie R]

I am CRACKING up!!! We have had the same thing go on in our house. I thought the song said, "Say it loud, I love James Brown." I have a habit of making up my own very incorrect lyrics to songs. Anyway, one day DH was singing the real lyrics and I was taken aback. I scolded him because I thought he was being silly, and then we checked out the name of the song on the CD cover and I saw that it was the actual name of the song. :) We are always rocking out to James Brown at our house, and B requests it or "Louie."

I like your change on words for the people in the fam that can't claim the black identity.

I also have had skin color conversations with B when he was learning his colors, but based on the literal shade...not the race. . He said that his skin and his Dad's skin were brown, and he identified mine as white. :( David IS more olive complected and I am very...white...in the winter. Since he has learned his colors, it hasn't come up anymore. I don't think he has a radar for the racial differences yet, and his birthparents are both dark like him. But we have J here as another brown person in the fam, so I wonder when he will pick it up. It will most likely be when his peers start asking. I too don't really plan on pointing it out to him, until he shows signs that he is ready. Hopefully we will be around other transracial families too, so he won't see our family as different for a little while longer.

I would really like to instill some other spiritual truths about who he "is", in his heart before the world gets to him. I hope to stall long enough (maybe even homeschool) until I feel he has accepted the truths that I know to be true about him. Then maybe he will be able to better filter the negative messages he hears from the rest of the world. :)

[Heather]

Hmmmm. . .the only conversations I have w/ my guy so far are comments like, "I love your beautiful brown skin" or "you have such pretty curly black hair," etc. Of course he's only 26 months old!

Interesting question. I remember that the book "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla" was great at explaining how young kids begin to understand differences in skin color and race -- and the developmental stages when different things seem to make sense to them. I need to pull it back out as B enters preschool. I thought it was a very insightful read.