Lately, without intention, I have been remembering my pregnancies with vivid intensity. Perhaps it is because of the dream I had, shortly after the meeting with the immigration attorney. In the dream I was in transition, the scary intense part of labor, that is unlike anything I have ever experienced before or since. The feeling is so other-worldly that I have never been able to re-create it in my mind. Since plunging into it, in my dream, the feeling has come back several times, and I have remembered birthing my daughter with greater clarity than I have since the experience occurred, 21 months ago.
Then, today, I am remembering my first pregnancy. The one that ended early on, in a painful miscarriage. I am remembering being in the airplane bathroom, an hour from Schiphol airport, soaked in blood and panicked with grief. I am remembering staying at my husband's relative's house, excusing myself from a large family dinner, to sit on the toilet and lose my baby, spending hours in bed sobbing, and in pain. I remember feeling so empty, like there was a vacuum inside where the life had been, sucking all the color out of me.
Having children, bearing children, and raising children is intense. Most of the time here I focus on the intensity of my adoption experience, but these last few days, my experiences with carrying life in my body are often on my mind.
Wow. Adina, I had no idea that miscarriage was so painful. That sounds really callous I'm sure, but I have absolutely no paradigm for it whatsoever. I do remember two times in my life feeling as though my guts were being ripped out of my body, but I never thought to connect those emotions with miscarriage. Bless you, dear sister, as you remember with great clarity these experiences. I think of you often. Just tonight Judah said, "Mommy, what is [Small Sun's] mom's name?" God has you on our hearts. With great love . . . Lori & family
Posted by: Lori Todd | 17 July 2008 at 10:34 PM