Choosing Adoption

It wasn't until recently that I heard the term "choice adoptions" in reference to people who choose adoption as the way to build their family in the absence of infertility or other challenges to traditional family building. That is, for choice adopters, building a family through adoption is always part of Plan A, rather than a decision that comes about as a result of exploring and deciding against other family-building options, or exhausting other possibilities.

The Captain and I fall firmly within this group of people. We were talking adoption even before we were married, and it was clear that our family would include adoption and foster care. To be honest, I don't know if I would have considered marrying someone who was not on board with adoption, as I have wanted to adopt children my whole life.

When it came down to actually bringing children into our family, The Captain wanted to have a biological child first and I wanted to adopt first. There was no question we had always planned on doing both, we just disagreed about the order. Eventually we came to a compromise: we would try to get pregnant for a year, and if the year passed with no pregnancy, then we would adopt. I did get pregnant in that year, and lost the baby early on. I was excited to be pregnant and I grieved the loss deeply. Then, when the year ended, we turned to adoption, as planned.

I am glad that we found a compromise that allowed both of us to work through some things before we became parents, and I really am sad that we lost the baby we did. However, it has always really meant a lot to me that our first child came to us through adoption.

I imagine that many parents are like us; they choose to have multiple children because they so enjoy the experience with the first, or second... And I also imagine that many other parents feel about their first child like I do, that the first child kind of hangs the moon for us. Do we ever forget those first months of rocky love where are are stretched beyond our limits, yet giddy with delight? And while I don't think we do it in a negative way, I think we can tend to compare our following children to the experience with the first child. When did the first start crawling? walking? talking? potty train? They set the mark, not in terms of success or failure, but in the way they shape our parenting experiences.

Each time we add a child to the family, there is a fear of upsetting the wonderful utopia that we currently have (I'm speaking in general here, we all know parenting is not a daily state of utopia!). Over the years I have heard multiple stories that grieve my heart. Stories where there was an established family with settled biological children, who then decided to adopt, often an older child. The family goes into turmoil when the child they adopted, who has often experienced significant trauma, disrupts the wonderful life the family had previously. The absolute worst is when the child (adopted) receives blame for "ruining" the family. I think these situations could be moderated with proper pre and post-adoption education, support, and counseling, but I have not often seen those kinds of extended services available.

My point is, I am so thankful that we adopted Small Sun first. While we experience difficulties and challenges parenting him, they are always in the context of my desire fulfilled. I wanted to adopt, I wanted to do it first. I want him. I love him. I am completely overwhelmed with how incredible he is. I consider myself to be so privileged to get to be the mother that is raising him. It absolutely blows my mind.

On the days when adoption stuff is hard, and when trans-racial parenting is hard, I am so thankful that I got to adopt first. I can imagine myself parenting a biological child and then adopting, and saying on the hard adoption days "I didn't have to do this for my biological child. They didn't require this extra effort."

Adopting first puts a barrier between myself and negativity. Adoptive parenting IS hard and does have challenges. I didn't really hear that before becoming a mother through adoption, myself. I feel so blessed to have adoptive parenting as my first experience, and then all of the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, and biological parenting added to my first joy.

Comments

[Bethany]

The On the days... paragraph particularly spoke to me. I can totally see myself falling prey to that line of thought.

In my last few months at BCS I saw a 300%-400& increase in the number of paps who were as you say "choice" adopters. I know being adopted isn't a walk in the park but hopefully these kids loads are lightened a smidge by not worrying that they are their parents' plan B.

[Heather]

When we adopted our oldest, we still planned to have non-adopted children. So I relate to so much of what you wrote here, as we were very deliberately starting our family through adoption. At the time, it meant a lot to us that we would be able to tell him that.

I'm seeing now that the significance may have actually been more for my husband and me. Now that we have a second child, I know how singular that experience with my first was. It was his presence that made me a mother. That it was also the fulfillment of my hope to adopt made it all the more amazing.

[Mayhem]

I really like the way you've written this.

We chose adoption without ever trying to have kids biologically. Part of the reason was that we wanted our son to know that we wanted HIM, we had to have HIM, it was HIM who made us parents. Now I realize that it might not matter to him. (And I know that trying to have bio kids but chosing adoption in the end doesn't mean those parents wanted their child any less than I did.) But it did matter to us. I know our parenting was shaped by the experience of adopting our first child.

[Lori]

"Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth it." That's what I'm reading through my own little filter. That's what I'm experiencing with our Tiffany and our Justine. That's what I'm telling myself about foster care and future adoptions. That's what I'm watching you live out in so many ways. Oh, friend, your posts and our conversations have shaped me--sharpened me--in wonderful ways. This weekend I remembered a post you wrote about trying to talk to people about adoption and feeling as if you had to give volumes of explanation first. I had a similar experience with regard to a food conversation, and I immediately thought of you, connected with you in my heart, and wondered how you were doing. I think of you often. I'm so glad you're blogging. I love you.