Stuck on Adoption Losses

We're in our second week of school holidays and the whole schedule is off kilter. If I know anything about my son, it's that he NEEDS to have a schedule, and know what's happening next, and how it will go down. Besides the holidays he knows that it is his birthday "soon", and baby is going to be born "soon". I try to explain that those things are happening next month, but he keeps asking "is it my birthday tomorrow?"

We are dealing with some really hairy behavior here at the moment. Hairier and scarier than any previous toddler carryings-on. Aggression. Defiance. Physical hostility (okay, violence).

The behaviors Small Sun is displaying freak me out. That is usually my response when our children start pressing a boundary they haven't tested before; I feel overwhelmed until I've got my Plan in place. Once I've got The Plan, I just keep plugging away at it until the tide turns.

Here's the thing, though - my concern over the impact of adoption losses on my son clouds my vision.

We have got a clear vision of how we are parenting. We've got our ideals and approach solidly in place. We may tweak the approach from time to time as needed, but we are unified and decided on how we are raising our kids. Within that framework, I know what needs to be done in light of this new behavior. Consistency, maintaining the boundaries even when they are being pushed to the limit, and keeping a calm and even tempered demeanor while having a backbone of steel.

But when I look at the situation through the lens of adoption, primarily adoption loss and primal wound perspectives, my resolve comes all undone. I see the disrupted schedule, the uncertainty of the future from the perspective of a (nearly) four year old, the looming impact of a new sibling (a boy who "matches"), and all the questions and emotions surrounding these things. I am filled with empathy and I understand the wildly ranging emotions and the difficult behavior.

That's where the gears stick for me: stalling at empathy and failing to deliver the consequences that will help my son learn self control and self assurance. It's like I can either stick to the plan and disengage from an empathetic response, or I can engage my empathy and have trouble maintaining the boundaries. I really struggle to do both simultaneously.

Here's the thing: it really doesn't help my son if I feel like I understand him, but I don't help him along in making good choices in life. And at the same time, I would be neglecting his emotional needs if I was consistent with setting boundaries for him, but didn't engage his heart. I need to do both. Some days that is just so hard.

Comments

[Amie Robertson]

Have I ever told you that you are a wonderful parent? I want to be like you when I grow up!

[HCP]

Oh, I hear you. I'm dealing with adoption AND autism over here and it's so hard to figure out how to respond to the aggression with these complicating factors . . . Hang in there and stay strong, but know that it's okay to shift gears, too, to give your little boy what he needs. You're in touch with your son, you'll do what's best and he'll always know he is loved.

[HCP]

Ack! Returning to add that upon re-reading I HATE the tone/implication of my phrase "dealing with adoption" -- horrible & hasty choice of words that doesn't at all reflect how I feel about adoption, oops! Where is my edit button . . . .?