Tough Parenting Moment

We are enjoying school holidays here and today we met up with a new friend at an indoor play center. I was sitting with the moms and babies while Small Sun and the Sprout were off playing in the gym area. I began to tune in to the sound of a child screaming with hysterical fear, quickly realizing that it was my child screaming. It was Sprout, who is just shy of three years old.

Immediately, I got up to go to her, and as I walked across the room I saw her burst out of the playhouse, running as fast as she could, wailing with terror. I have never seen her so afraid in her life. It took some time before she could even speak, she was crying so hard.

When I discovered what she was running from my heart fell.

Earlier, when we had arrived, I had noticed a little boy with facial deformities. While his body appeared to be normal, one side of his face was about 1/3 larger than the other and had no expression. It was puffy and saggy. I don't know what his condition was, and he was just playing away. It was that boy that my daughter was afraid of. I wonder if she didn't notice him until she was in very close proximity to him, playing in a little cubbyhouse together?

She was sure that he was "mean" or "naughty" or that he was going to hurt her. I tried to calm her with my calmness, I held her and reassured her. I told her over and over that he was not a mean boy but that he had a sickness that made his face look different but that a different face didn't mean he was a scary person. None of it seemed to help. She sat on my lap, holding me, refusing to go play until he had left to go home.

My heart ached for her to feel so frightened. I've never seen her scared like that before. But my heart was also aching for that child and his parents. How do they navigate life for their child when other children react to him as mine did? How do they deal with children as young as Sprout who have no filter for the way they respond to people around them, and who cannot accept a logical explanation to diffuse their fear?

It was really difficult and horrible and I just didn't know what to do. I tried to keep Sprout with me, trying to get her to play in an area away from him until I could convince her that he was okay to be around, but she just wouldn't play until he left.

When we were driving home she asked me about him again and again. She seems to be gradually processing the experience and now she is saying "that boy is not naughty. He has a sick face so his cheeks are puffy. He went home now." She wanted to pray for him when she went down for her nap. So I think she's starting to get it but at the play center she was just terrified.

Small Sun, on the other hand, noticed him and just kept playing. When he heard me and the Sprout talking he asked me about it and accepted the explanation completely.

This was a tough one. What would you have done?

Comments

[Amie R.]

I think you handled it fine. There is a guy that goes to the same coffee shop that we do that has severe deformities. Our boys are very timid around him. We go up to him and talk to him and try to encourage the boys to talk to him too. They are getting more and more comfortable around him. We just answer their questions matter of factly like it is no big deal. "Yeah, that's his feeding tube. That is how he eats his lunch, because he can't swallow very well. Cool huh?" Staying calm as you say and just describing what they are seeing back to them without acting like it is anything significant. Obviously, you had to react to the situation because your child was reacting to the situation. There was no chance to prevent the situation or prepare her. Maybe now after the fact, you can show her some pictures of kids that look different so some of the shock value can wear off and she can become more comfortable with the images. Our kids have had a major advantage in this area because we take them to the camp David and I met at and they have seen a lot of the differences in the kids that come there. So they have had the opportunity to process some of those things just by chance, and I am so thankful for that experience for them.

As far as the children's parents go. I think about how I want people to react to my family being different, and I would like parents to normalize our family to their children. I think you did just that. It's not like you could take her up to him to talk to him and facilitate that interaction while she was still terrified. You did what you could to let her know everything was okay.

[Kelly]

When my oldest was about Sprout's age, I was friends with someone whose twin nieces both had Cerebral Palsy. I didn't know until we all met for a playdate. The girls were about a year older than Mack, and it really scared her at first. One of the girls had a milder form of CP, and the other's was pretty bad, couldn't talk well, etc. Both were confined to wheelchairs. By the end of our visit, they were all having a great time, but I realized that I needed to work with Mack on accepting differences, (this was prior to our family becoming multicultural, it was just Mack and I at the time). We started doing volunteer work with a few local agencies, helping with play therapy, etc. It was really good for my daughter, and for the kids that she became friends with.

After this I also started to realize that she wasn't being exposed to children of other cultures nearly as much as I felt she needed to be, the area that we lived in was primarily white. I signed her up for a local summer camp that was made up almost completely of children of Asian, Hispanic, and African American decent. She was one of two Caucasian children in the entire camp, of 150 or so kids.

Now, Mack is one of the most accepting people that I know. She is friendly with everyone. I think that by talking, and praying for the people that are different then they are you have started a great thing with Small Sun and Sprout. That is one of the greatest things about being a multicultural family by being different you are more accepting of everyone else.

[quietstream]

I agree with Amie that you did exactly the right thing given the circumstances you described, and the fact that Sprout is now working her way through the experience also is healthy and good.

I also like what Kelly had to say about doing volunteer work with (handicapped?) children, or the elderly, etc. It's really what you have been doing all along regarding ethnic and cultural diversity.

There is in life, I think, a healthy tension -- it sometimes seems even a paradox --somehow between creating a world for our children that is safe and good, surrounding them with beauty, order, health and happiness; and their need (all of our need as adults as well) to be exposed, in due time, to situations in which they learn sensitivity, compassion and caring on a larger scale; to direct the health we cultivate in them into a lifestyle of giving rather than guarding themselves/ourselves from the reality of life for so many that includes deformity, poverty, aging, dying, etc.

The healthy tension also lies somewhere in the timing, so that a child is not overwhelmed with more than he or she can process. I know that empathy, respect, sensitivity are very much your intentions and aspirations, and you are already far down that road; this experience just suddenly catapulted you a few unexpected kilometers. I know the fruit will be good!

[quietstream]

PS Just another thought on the empathy bit: Sprout is still quite young, but introducing conversation about how another child feels, looking as they do or being handicapped in some way, imagining being in that child's situation can help to replace the fear with the awareness of that person as a real human being.

I have watched A and J use this approach quite a bit even in situations involving showing respect to adults and it seems their child honestly "gets it" in such a way that it's not robotic proper performance but is genuinely motivated by an understanding of the human dynamics of the situation.