Growing Family

Notes from the Hair Chair

Today I ventured out into the complete unknown and got a perm. Yep. Artificial curls are lifting from my head like happily crazed rockets blasting off. When my Stateside friends begged for pictures I told them "I have to figure out how to wear this hair because right now it is wearing me."

Beyond personal experimentation with my appearance (I have nerves of steel when it comes to trying new hair styles), today's salon visit gave me opportunity to step outside my box in another way.

To get my hair done I went to a Korean salon in a mostly Korean neighborhood. My sister-in-law (who is Korean-American) has always talked about how gentle the perm products are at her Korean salon so I decided if I ever was going to try a perm, that's the way I'd go. So, Sunday I asked a Korean-Australian friend for a recommendation and she offered to go with me, as she needed a trim herself.

I anticipated the staff at the salon speaking mostly Korean. As soon as we walked through the door, my friend explained that I was there for a perm (in Korean). Over the course of the next FOUR hours (does it really have to take THAT long?), I think three sentences were spoken to me in English. All the rest got delivered to me, via my friend's translation.

Being in an environment where everyone is speaking around you and you don't understand what they are saying is interesting. I can tend to zone out a little bit, knowing that no one is speaking to me or expecting me to respond. On the other hand, I can get a little bit paranoid.

It was like it happens in the movies. Two stylists and my friend are standing over my head, looking it over, touching it, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking in Korean before my friend gives me one sentence of explanation. I imagine the rest of what they said that didn't make it into translation:

"Look at this tired hair. It hasn't been trimmed in, what, years? And this color, natural brown is so 1991! Don't look now, but did you see her skin? Breakout! I don't even know if we can work with this. And oh, did you get a look at those thighs? Thunder! Someone let Godzilla in the salon!"

Sometimes I IMAGINE people are talking about me in another language...and sometimes they really are. So I had to make myself comfortable with that.

Over the course of those four hours, only three other Anglo (white) people passed through the salon. Their presence was noticeable because suddenly some English broke the steady flow of Korean coming from the hairdressers, the clients, young and old, and the Korean pop videos on loop on the flat screen tvs. Two non-Korean speaking Asians entered as well and I watched them navigate the language barrier.

I would not say I was uncomfortable, but it was a bit awkward to be there. I was there for four hours.

My son is in our family 24/7 for forever. Every day when he looks around him, he does not match his surroundings. Yes we speak the same language and we share American culture, but when he is looking at appearances (and he really, really does), he does not see himself reflected in his family environment.

That's got to get old. I know it gets old. He's four and a half years old and we talk about it a lot.

"Mom, there aren't very many people with brown skin in Sydney, are there?"

I think it is hard for white adoptive parents to ever get into situations where they might get to feel a tad of the alienation that a child of color can feel in a white family. If we're living in mostly white environments (I mean countries that are majority white, not neighborhoods), we have to go out of our way, on purpose, to get into a setting where we are the "only". I think we are often out of touch with a dynamic that our children feel every day.

It was good for me to spend those four hours today not matching, feeling clueless, navigating the unknown. Not that our children always feel like that in our families, but the displacements involved in adoption can result in those feelings both at home, and in the birth culture. It's just that I am so surrounded by a pillow of white privilege, I don't really get to see it from my son's perspective most of the time. It was good to be reminded.

Keeping Me

Having three children four and under is quite a busy little brood. Lately I've really been struggling with how to mother these little duckies AND keep myself in the process. Here's what I know:

-Until my children are in school I want to be their primary caregiver

-I need a way to invest in my interests that doesn't compromise what I am trying to do at home with my kids

I really believe that each family finds a solution to the work/life/home balance that works for them. For us, I passionately believe that I am the best primary caregiver available to my children during early childhood. The Captain would also be a great primary caregiver if our roles were reversed.

That said, I feel like my life is currently way out of balance. Before we moved my mother watched our kids one day a week so I could do what I chose with that time. We've managed this long (1.5) years without help but now I feel just about on the edge of screaming. I need an outlet.

The biggest blockade to this happening is CHILDCARE. Finding childcare for one day a week is difficult. Most people want more hours. Day care centers don't want you to do just one day. To pursue the kind of thing I want to pursue (taking some classes), I need a person who will commit and follow through to a weekly commitment.

Another issue is expense. Babysitters in Sydney run (from my experience), in the $15-20+ per hour range. I struggle with justifying spending that kind of money so that I can have down time. I often think "The Captain doesn't pay anyone so that he can take off of HIS job once a week."

My wise mother reminded me "but hardly any work is as emotionally exhausting as parenting young children, so you need relief from it more than you would a typical job." Parenting is something you have to do 24/7 each day of the week, working a salary job is not. It has built-in relief.

Eventually I'd like to continue my education to get my Masters degree and start working again after our children are in school. I think that for me personally, that is too much to try to pursue while I've got all these littlies at home. But I really, really, really need to get out of mom gear to re-find myself. For the first time since kids joined our family I feel that I'm starting to lose myself a bit. Somehow or another, I've got to keep me, even while the kids take up so much of my time and energy.

How do you do it? Please share!

Christmas in Sydney 2009

Last year I was all shades of morose at Christmas time, being homesick and seasonally disoriented. This year I had some positive memories from last summer to build on and I was ready to jump into summer-time Christmas full force.

Christmas Eve was hot and sultry. After going to our Christmas Eve service at church (with real camels and a donkey!), we put the kids down to sleep and watched movies on tv, sipping Mojitos. Yum.

Christmas Day the kids got a slip and slide and we spent the day with family visiting from Holland. They are staying at a fabulous beach house and we enjoyed hours in the pool and hot tub, even as the day turned rainy. It was really, really fantastic.

Christmas breakfast.

Feeding our friendly Rainbow Lorikeets.

Swimming in the rain.

Happy - Merry Christmas to each and every one!

A Giveaway!

No, I am not giving anything away, but Sara at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly is! Some cool, handmade, organic, hand-dyed tops. Go check it out and follow the instructions to put your name in the drawing for tomorrow!

Contents of This Mother's Handbag

Wallet - empty   

Planner - full

Children's Sun hats - 2

Baby shoe - 1

Babysitter's phone number on scrap paper - 1

Baby t-shirt, outgrown

Board book

Paci Clip but no paci

Diapers - 2

Wipes in case (case works two ways)

Hair clips - 4

Sunblock

Hand sanitizer

Tupperware lid

Near empty baby food container - tuna, pasta and veggie puree

Sandwich crusts in zip lock bag

Tissues - used

Directions on scrap paper

Pixie Sticks - 2

Brooch

Christmas Card - received

Pens - 5

Panty liners

Pack of (old) gum

Tubes of lip gloss - 4

Necklace - removed to accommodate baby wearing

Hair ties - 5

Phone number of a recently met American ex-pat - on scrap paper

Receipts

iPod

Band-aid

Chocolate gold coins - 2.5

Baby spoons - 5

Tarnished ring - worn once - turned my finger green

Trail mix - loose, covering bottom of bag

-----------------------------------

Dumped it out. Wiped it clean. Restocked kid essentials. Wondered if I'll ever have my own bag again?

The Raised Bed Garden

We are officially in summer now, down under. Christmas is weeks away and we are enjoying hot weather, and fresh mangoes, cherries, peaches, and nectarines. It's amazing how much can change in a year. Already Christmas means luscious stone-fruit, to me!

We are starting to eat out of the garden I planted three months ago. I thought I'd give you all an update:

I have got SO MUCH packed in this bed. I'm trimming it back here and there to keep things from being smothered. From left to right you can see cucumbers, tomatoes (hidden under the squash), squash, cherry and grape tomatoes, swiss chard (silver beet), and zucchini. There is also basil tucked here and there and carrots dying in the shade under the tomatoes.

 

I'm having a problem with my squash. The flowers are falling off when the squash is really small (maybe that's normal?) and then the fruit starts to shrivel.

 

First harvest.

 

First meal from the garden: tortellini and red sauce (from the store), polenta-crusted zucchini, and swiss chard sauteed and topped with vinegar and butter.

Nothing beats eating outdoors on a summer night, with things on your plate that were growing in your garden just half an hour before!

Cars

So I am currently rocking a sandwich box on wheels, aka a Subaru Forester before they smoothed out the edges. It is basic, and safe and reliable and boring...but sometimes reliable is worth boring. Anyway.

When we went shopping for Finch's car seat there was only ONE seat that would fit in the back seat with our other two car seats. When we have guests visiting from the States, someone has to ride in the "back back". That is, sit in the trunk space. I mean, it's a wagon so no one is stuffed in the trunk like they're on their way to be dumped in the lake wearing concrete boots...but it is neither legal nor comfortable. We really need seven seats.

So, dear readers, can you give me your feedback? The questions before us are:

Minivan (sigh) OR Small SUV with an optional third row?

Please tell me what vehicles you love, or what you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

In your suggestions keep in mind that we will be buying something that is used, without a car payment. So while I'd really love a brand new Audi or Volvo SUV, they're not really in the running. Right now any additional seats over 5 would be used on occasions where I have more kids in the car (friends and whatnot), and when we have guests. But in the next two years it is not inconceivable that we would either have children in our family via foster care or adoption...so we will need more seats all the time in the future.