We are slowly going mad enjoying our school holidays. Earlier this week I had one crazy day where Small Sun's kindy class, and Sprout's preschool class both arranged school holiday park play dates...at the same time...at two different parks. I did them both, with a newborn baby, and fresh baked cookies to share. (You may each award me a gold star now, thank you.)
Perhaps because of this extended jaunt into crazy over-extension, the baby became ill and we have been quarantined at home the entire rest of the week. I rue the day I decided to be supermom!
Anyway.
At park playdate #1 I had an interaction with a fellow preschool mom that left me a bit speachless.
I walked up, pushing the baby in the stroller, with Sprout and Finch walking with me. I had dropped Small Sun off with a friend from school, to go to the other park ahead of me. Immediately this mother (who I have had very little contact with, but know to be an expat from the U.K.), said "oh, you're the one with the foster baby!" I introduced myself and gave her my name. When she started asking about the baby, I asked her if she was interested in foster care. (This is one of my current strategies for re-directing personal questions about the baby's situation.)
"Oh no, I could never do that." She replied. "What I would really like to do is adopt."
"Oh?" I asked.
At this point she leaned in and said "I'll say this quietly because we're in a mixed cultural area (she looked around for emphasis): what I really want is to adopt a little Chinese baby."
I think I just blinked, but didn't really respond. We had only been at the park all of about 48 seconds.
"If they find out it is a girl, they just abort them! There are just tons of little Chinese babies that they don't even want. I used to live in Russia..."
"Oh did you?" I interjected, hoping to get to another topic we could relate on. "I lived in St. Petersburg, where did you live?"
"Moscow", she replied. "The Americans used to come to adopt the babies there, but they all have fetal alcohol syndrome, you know. "
My mind kind of boggled, processing so many different possible responses, and I just didn't respond. I got her talking about Russia, then preschool, and then we were safely away from the topic.
This interaction made me realize several things.
First, this sort of conversation used to happen in Nashville ALL THE TIME. I run into someone I don't know and have no relationship with and they tell me their opinion on foster care or adoption. Often they just haven't "done their homework" as my dad says. They don't really know much about the factors and dynamics at play, but that doesn't stop them from sharing their perspective with me.
I suddenly became aware that I haven't had that kind of experience in a long time. I am out of practice with my reaction there as well, because I just haven't needed it. Most often here, people ask me questions about foster care and adoption and really listen to my answers. They don't seem to have a pre-set opinion. They're curious and interested. I like that.
Second, I still just don't always know when it is appropriate to stop and attempt to broaden a person's perspective, and when to just let it go. I will jump neck-deep into that cold creek for a friend, because I can't maintain a friendship without honesty. For a random aquaintance...not so much.
I wonder if she would have felt differently about sharing, had she seen me with my brown son? With Small Sun at school, I "pass" as a mom of all white kids much of the time. I think people filter their comments somewhat differently when they see me in the adoptive-mother-of-a-brown-child role. There are so many ways for people to (mis)perceive me these days, with the Baby Ant looking passably like my child as well.
Ah well, food for thought. I might need to brush up on my responses. Yet again, I feel blessed to be in Sydney where my day-to-day interactions are ones of respect and open-mindedness.
I usually take questions about our adoption/fostercare as an opportunity to educate, but it seems that this lady may have felt she "knew everything." I think that changing the subject, may have been a wise choice with this one.
Posted by: Kelly | 19 July 2011 at 10:51 AM
I would have had no idea what to say - I can't believe she was so forthcoming with her opinions. What did she really expect you to say?
Posted by: shannon | 19 July 2011 at 09:28 PM