Rusty

I feel like an old cowboy, trying to swing my leg up over the saddle and getting stuck half-way, in an awkward standing splits. After about three years out of the adoption/child welfare conversation, I've got some new things on my mind to work out here.

After adopting Small Sun, I went deep, deep into adoption-blog world, reading all three angles of the triad (First/Birth parent, Adoptee, and Adoptive Parents). I really took in so much from the first parent and adoptee perspectives (which are as varied as the number of people holding them). Ultimately, I gained a much higher appreciation for the first parent-child bond and the need to honor and maintain that whenever possible.

With that said, all my personal experience is in a positive open adoption that was a voluntary placement. While people have their fears, I can't imagine NOT having Small Sun's mom in our lives, separate though our lives are. She is amazing. I admire her. I like her. If we lived closer, I can imagine us spending so much more time together, and maybe even being friends outside of the bond we have over our son.

Enter our first experience with foster care. 

I am part of a team that works towards restoration first, before moving on to consider other options. I am expected to interact and eventually play a part in mentoring parents who are on the track to having their child restored. This was all very clear in the agency's materials. "Perfect!" I thought. "The agency is as committed to preserving the family as I am. We're a good match."

Hypothetically, I still maintain the sanctity and value of the first parent-child bond. 

Yet, the more hours I spend holding and nurturing this tiny life, the less I can comprehend the reasons he ended up with us. 

When other people say "I could never!" or "Can you even imagine a mother who could..." when discussing placing a child for adoption, abandoning a child, or even neglecting or abusing a child, I've kept it clear in my mind that no, from a position of privilege and resource, those choices don't make sense. From sound mental health and freedom from addiction, they don't make sense. However, most children don't leave one family and end up somewhere else in circumstances that can be described as "stable, wealthy, healthy, sober, full of choices and resource" etc. 

It takes drama and trauma for a parent to surrender their child, or lose their child against their will. 

I can find empathy if I know some context of struggle for the first parent.

At the moment, in this, our first foster care placement, I don't know that contextual information. I know why the baby was removed, and what DOCS is requiring of the parents to consider restoration. I don't know their history. I don't know what compels their choices. I only know the choices themselves, and let's face it, whatever choices that end up with the state taking your child away from you are some rotten choices. 

I'm wondering how I proceed from here? How do I proceed with empathy and respect and a truly helpful attitude? How do I suspend judgement?

Here I am, up all hours of the night, and putting in those lonnnnngggg newborn days. I am feeding, dressing, bathing, burping, changing, and LOVING this baby. I am giving him everything I've got, and I'm supposed to be completely neutral towards the people who were meant to do that and failed. Beyond neutral, I'm meant to be cheerful! supportive! and helpful!

This is a tough thing. If anyone knows of foster parent bloggers, or book recommendations, I need to get through this learning curve if I'm going to be any good at this.

Isn't it amazing how a little reality can throw such a spanner in our belief systems?

 

Comments

[Thorn]

It was easier for us than most to empathize, I think, because our foster daughter Mara's mother had some things in her history we knew about that made it make sense she'd struggle with depression and with trusting herself to keep her child safe. I haven't had to deal with the parents of other young kids and think that it's easier with older kids, who have their own perspectives.

[Roz]

Ah. Been there, am there, will be there. Those 3am (and with newborns in withdrawal there's an awful lot of night wakings!) moments are usually a complete mix of emotions. Anger, sadness, hope, exhaustion. I don't think, despite my ability to successfully 'inclusive foster parent', that it will ever get easier or less complicated. I have become okay with the constant clamoring of emotions, the oddness of it all.

For me, a huge help is meeting the parents face to face. I find it very hard to hate (and let's face it, there are times where you can have hateful feelings) a parent I have met as a person. A name is easier to judge, and easier to give up on.

Remember this is a long journey, inclusivity and fostering. It's messy, and you almost never have perfect rainbow smiley moments. But you can do it, I promise.

I think i feel inspired to post about it, I have so many more thoughts! Let me leave it that while we have never met before, I am so glad you have chosen to engage this chaos called inclusive fostering. Even when it feels like you're failing, you are still trying. And man alive, there needs to be more of us who try.

-roz

[Kelly]

It's hard. We became foster parents with the goal to eventually adopt. Our first placement was ever so difficult, but with the support of our SW we made it. We made it through sporadic parental visits, therapy, sibling visits, ADHD, and we still made it in the end when ICWA took over. I didn't think I could go through everything again to get to our goal of adopting, but 2 months later we got the call for our daughter an adoptive placement at 13 months old. I'd like to say the rest is history, but it's not. I still worry about D, I still think of him on the day we got him, Oct. 31, his birthday, and the day his grandmother came to get him and drive him 300 miles away. You do what you have to do, you give love, stability, and a piece of your heart. Even if you never get that piece back you hope that you touched that child in a positive way, that will last a lifetime.

[Adelle]

As usual reading your blog is so interesting. Thank you for cutting a little hole into your world so I can peep in!