Growing Family

Rough Day

Today just didn't go very well. It was like a model airplane trying to get off the ground that keeps falling and getting damaged until it is a pile of parts that has to be scooped up and carried home to be rebuilt and tried again another day.

The thing is, today felt awful, but I know it was full of really important moments for my kids, even if it left me battered. 

Things started to go poorly when Small Sun threw a tantrum over the Wii before leaving for school.

Then, we spent the whole 20 minutes to school talking about slavery, both historical and modern-day. I introduced the history of African slavery in America for the first time (I know, he's six. It's another post.) We covered indentured servant hood, restavecs, the reasons people get trapped in slavery, etc. 

On the way back to the car, after walking Small Sun into school, Finch planted himself on the hill and would not move an inch towards the car. I don't know what he wanted, and could not budge him with persuasion or choices. When I tried to guide him down by holding his hand, he fell down on the grass and lay there, in the rain, resolute. I just stood next to him with the baby wrapped in a raincoat, waiting for something to change. Another school mom offered to carry the baby so I carried Finch down to the car where he calmly let me buckle him in.

In the car on the way back home, Sprout became furious with her doll for a seemingly harmless wardrobe malfunction. She hurled the doll to the floor and proceeded to hurl insults at it all the way home. "I hate you! I never want a doll like you, ever! You're the worst doll because your hat slips off and I never, ever want you!" (Rinse and repeat for 15 minutes.)

Upon arriving home, she threw another fit when I put her doll away for the day as a consequence for her abusive behavior in the car. 

Feeling exhausted already, I was so pleased to see my sister on Facebook and we agreed to Skype.

Not having spoken for some time, we had lots to talk about. Sprout had a tea party set up and got very upset that I was still talking on Skype instead of playing with her. On came another fit of ridiculousness. From behind the closed french doors of her bedroom she verbally attacked me and made her angriest faces.

A couple hours later it was time to get Small Sun from school. Finch refused to come to the car. I gave him some time to work it out, but again, he wouldn't budge. Finally I picked him up and carried him to the car. On the way he began beating me as hard as he could, on the head, with his toy car. It hurt. Really hurt. I stopped as we were walking by the trash can, opened the lid, and flung the car in. Then I cried nearly the whole way to school. Thank God for the curbside pick-up, I was a red-eyed mess by the time we got there. 

Later that afternoon Sprout was playing dolls in the kitchen while I was cooking. Her dolls became increasingly rude to each other and one refused to play with the other based on their differing nationalities (is it coincidence that the "mean doll" shared a nationality with a friend from preschool who doesn't always play nicely?). I attempted to redirect her doll's play to be more kind, but a couple minutes later it was getting nasty again. I set aside my dinner preparations and sat down on the floor with her to talk about racism. We had a very serious talk. We talked about how ridiculous it would be if someone said she couldn't be friends with so-and-so because they are not from the same country or have different color skin. We talked about how ridiculous it would be if someone said she and Small Sun couldn't be brother and sister because they have different color skin. We talked about how people who think those things are ridiculous! And then we played dolls together and our dolls were in India eating cake and planting dahlia gardens.

There were some more bumps along the way to bedtime and at supper I remembered that I agreed to come to talk to Small Sun's classroom tomorrow about adoption, which always makes me nervous. 

Some of the behavior that we're getting from Small Sun and Sprout right now is downright ridiculous! (Yes, we like that word!) Backtalk, tantrums, stomping, saying horribly mean things, and slamming doors have all entered the picture at this point. Oh, and don't forget little lovelies like "you're not even a good mommy!" and "I don't want to be your son/daughter anymore!"

My sister asked me on Skype if I let them get away with that sort of behavior. My answer is yes and no. I don't think people can control people. I am sure if I shouted loud enough, spanked hard enough, grounded them from everything, I could control them into good behavior. But that's not what I want. I want them to learn how to handle the freedom of making choices for themselves. 

I'm trying to teach them "be angry, but do not sin." I am trying to teach them that words can be life-giving or toxic. I am trying to teach them that they always have a choice to make, even when they're feeling big emotions. And I am trying to teach them that all decisions have consequences. Even if you say sorry, there will still also be a consequence attached to a bad choice. 

As much as I would like to have children that are always well-behaved, are obedient, and don't embarrass me in public, I would like to have children that are strong and confident to work through their own mistakes more. So on a day like today, when all I want to do is check out, put them in front of the tv while I eat chocolate in the pantry, instead I dig in my heels and stand my ground. 

This is the safest place in the world that my kids can learn that unkindness will not win you friends, and that if you are nasty no one wants to be around you until you're nice. It's a safe place to learn that if you throw a tantrum over playing Wii, you won't get the opportunity to play it again for some time. Or that we treat everything with respect, even toys, and we don't trash our things physically or verbally. It's a place to learn that if you hit with a toy, you will not own that toy anymore because we do not believe in violence. It is a safe place to learn about the injustices in the world, and how the roots of massive wrongs lie in our own hearts and it is up to us to dig them out every day. 

It was a rough day, and I'm apprehensive about tomorrow. There are moments when you are in the storm of parenting and just praying that it all comes out right in the end. It is another day to be comforted by Isaiah 40:11

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

That covers me and the kids with grace, which we very often need!

 

Together for Adoption

Mid November I will be leaving hubby and the kids behind, getting on a plane all by myself to go attend Together for Adoption. The U.S. based conference is coming to Australia for the first time, hosted by The Babes Project. 

Although I have travelled extensively, I haven't travelled alone since I don't-know-when. I might go into some kind of shock from being able to hear my own thoughts for a whole weekend! And sleep, uninterrupted sleep for three whole nights! I'm intoxicated jut thinking about it. Don't even get me started about getting to read my book, or hang out in Melbourne with The Captain's fantastic aunt and uncle and his amazing cousins. They are some of my favorite people in the whole world.

All those benefits aside, I am really excited to be going to this conference. I am hoping to go further in my understanding of how adoption works/doesn't work in Australia. I am going to some sessions covering political activism to encourage adoption. 

I am interested in seeing how they roll out a pro-adoption conference in a setting where adoption is just so, so hard (next to impossible, really) to do. 

I have read that it is not a "rainbows and fairy tales" kind of conference, and that it doesn't propose adoption as the only solution to the orphan crisis around the world. I've heard that they have an honest approach to handling the very real challenges present in adoption, as well as a number of suggestions as to how people can make a real difference for children.

Australia sits so far back from the table when it comes to adoption. I am so, so curious to see how this conference plays out here.

Will they talk about the risk of trafficking/black market adoptions/baby selling? Will they talk about transitioning a child from an orphanage to a family? What about helping a child heal from trauma? 

I guess I wonder if they can really get into the nitty-gritty real issues that can be present in adoption, in a setting where they will pretty much be sounding an awareness alert that there are so many children who need families. 

I think most people fall in love with the idea of adopting, and then the realities start to take shape after they've gotten pretty far into the process. 

Seven months from now I'll be able to apply for citizenship, which would make us eligible to apply for Australian adoption programs. I guess you could say I am getting my ducks in a row.

Anyone else going?

 

 

What's Working

Back in June, we got the call about our first foster care placement at about 2 in the afternoon. After picking Small Sun up from school we went straight to Big W (like WalMart) and just knocked baby gear into the cart, before swinging by a friend's house to borrow a car-seat. She delivered a bassinet later that night as my car was already overflowing.

Baby arrived about seven p.m. and I was still in the shower. I don't even know if I'd gotten any dinner. He was incredibly thin (in the neighborhood of five pounds), and every bone in his face showed. When the social worker held out the bundle of blankets I had trouble finding him in it. 

Since then life has been a complete blur. New baby. Closing on a house and moving. School and preschool. Life. Really, really, blurry. 

I am starting to come out of the clouds a bit and have found a couple of things that are working for me with this four kid gig. (For the record, I don't necessarily think that four kids has to be so hard, but four kids all in different stages is challenging me).

• Aussie Farmers Direct I have a standing order for a large family fruit and veg box. It comes every Friday afternoon and we never run out of fresh produce anymore (and we eat tons). I also have a standing dairy/bread/meat order that arrives in the wee hours Saturday. Brilliant. I've tried ordering groceries online before and found it to be expensive and not really convenient. This is working.
• Costco. Stocking up on basics like toilet paper, clothes detergent, and massive blocks of cheese is brilliant. Going to the store is HARD no matter what configuration of kids I have. The less I have to go, the happier I am!
• Ordering clothes online. I order a lot of the kid's clothes (and sometimes mine) from the States and pay the expensive shipping costs. I can get the quality I want for way less if I shop the opposite season sales. For example, I just bought all of Finch's summer shorts at Land's End for $9.99 a pair when I could only find them for $20.00+ a pair for cheap quality here. I got all the kid's swimsuits on sale too. Similar quality would have cost three times as much here. 
• Paying for a cleaner. I've only done it a few times when I looked at the schedule for the week and felt absolutely stressed about trying to find the time/energy to clean. It has been amazing and worth every single penny.
• Baby has three contact visits each week and his caseworker takes him there and back. Having those hours baby free to get things done, play one-on-one with Finch, or sleep has been so fantastic.
• Garden instead of clean. Often when Baby is gone on a visit I dive straight into garden work. I feel so much better after spending an hour in the garden, even if I'm letting other things go to do so. 
• Alternating night feedings. The Captain and I take turns being the one to feed Baby. On the nights I get to sleep I put my pillow over my head and really try to sleep. On my nights with Baby I try to spend some real time praying over him and his life.
• Spontaneously calling or Skyping friends and family. It is nearly impossible to plan scheduled calls with my people. When I feel the urge and I have a quiet moment, I pick up the phone. It has resulted in some great time connecting with people I love.
• Dropping out of doggy class. We were in a dog obedience class when Baby came. Then I got sick and missed two days. The school agreed to allow me to rejoin a later class to make up those days and "graduate" the class. After months of chaos the training we had accomplished had been lost and the stress of catching up was really getting to me. I felt so bad but I called and said I just wouldn't finish the class. Ah, stress relieved!
• Salads for lunch.
• Iron supplements. If I'm low in iron (which I always am, as a vegetarian), I can hardly function. If my iron supplements are working well for me, I am energized.
• Sleep. I'm trying to go to bed when I'm tired. That's often very early.
• Saying no to things. I have found the strength to say no to Small Sun joining two sport teams (that he would love), doing "groups" at school, doing dance classes this term, a classmate birthday party, a Bible study group, and sometimes I skip playgroup. I look at the schedule for the week and after it fills to a certain point, I just say no to everything else. It's awesome.
• Saying Yes to offers of help and asking for help. I have always been the supermom type who says "no, I can do it myself" even when I obviously can't. I'm trying to get over that and it is pretty great to have help when it is offered!

There are a lot of things falling through the cracks right now, I'm sure. Or, in the words of my friend, "so you've stopped dusting too?" But, our marriage is strong, I'm in a good place, and all four children are healthy and thriving. Many things can slide, but I think the most important things are being maintained, and it is working for me!

It's Happening Again

It's happening again. That squeezy feeling in my throat and the tendency to stand quietly a few steps further from life than normal. 

It's happening again, the flashes of memory from times past and far away.

It's happening again, the moments of confusion when writing the date (month/day/year or day/month/year?), and the fuzziness when someone talks about "spring" (when is spring again?).

It's happening again, feeling annoyed at my son who throws his knowledge of "America" around like a red cape in front of a bull. What does he mean when he says the air smells so American? What does that even mean?

Except I do know what he means. He walked outside and the air was crackling. The day was alluring to him with promise and adventure. To him that is America, and he is right.

I don't know if I love my country or if I hate my country, but I miss it.

It is such a miserable feeling to love the South so, so much, but to not feel that it would love my children the way I want them to be loved. Maybe I am a coward for leaving and not being the change. Maybe I am brave to call out what I saw and walk away.

I miss green fields. I miss the explosion of spring that makes you think the earth is on drugs and nothing could be greener than it is already. Even the light turns green in the tree tunnels going to my parent's house in the woods. 

I miss the houses. I miss wooden siding and wide front porches with hanging ferns and decks where you sit with friends and drink ice tea. 

I miss crepe myrtles electric pink on a hot summer's day, the bark smooth and cool under hand.  I miss hostas in the shade, and white picket fences holding back spills of cone flower, and black eyed susans. 

I miss the richness and ambience of the great estates, despite the injustices that occured in them. I can't help but love my hometown, my roots, my nest.

I miss the creative and eclectic self that existed there that I can't seem to find, despite having unpacked each box from the shipping container years ago. 

It is happening again. I am missing home.

 

Holiday Weekend Staycation

This weekend was a long weekend for Labor Day. We had hitched our fortunes to a camping trip with seven other families from church. We bought our gear, we planned a doggy holiday for the pooch, we received approval to travel with the baby and re-arranged his parental visits, and we counted down the days with breathless terror over camping with four children excitement.

Then, it started to rain. Taking inspiration from Small Sun's recent debut in the school musical "Noah's Amazing Cruise", it rained and rained and rained. And the forecast for the whole weekend? Rain.

Thursday night the phone calls started buzzing. Ringing and texting, the inquiries started to fly. "If it keeps raining like this, do you still want to go?" "Do YOU want to go?" "Should we cancel?" We cancelled.

Friday was a gorgeous day, and Saturday was pretty nice too. But then overnight it poured and poured and we all slept like cozy cats in our beds, listening to the rain and thanking our lucky stars we were not in a tent with three children and an infant on a cold night, with the rain coming down in sheets.

Well, if you've been counting down to a camping trip for weeks, you have to find something to fill the void for three very eager children.

This is what we did over the holiday weekend.

We went couch shopping. Herding four children through endless furniture displays would have been easier if we had pre-recorded a message that said "don't touch glass statues, don't jump on the couches, don't lay on the beds, climb off of the coffee table, stop running" and left it running on repeat. 

Then, we went to Costco. Back in Nashville I scorned the giant box of savings, but now that they've opened one near our house in Sydney, and we are currently a family of six and actually use pallets of toilet paper, I decided to give it a try. As we approached the giant warehouse I explained to the kids "this is a little piece of America in Australia. Not all of America is like this, but this idea of buying lots and lots of stuff, for as little money as possible, is very popular in America."

Oh my goodness, I can't believe we made it out alive! The carts are huge! We bought so much stuff! Finch was exhausted since we rolled right through his nap and forgot to give him a snack. Baby had to be fed while I held him, walking through the store (he's much to heavy for me to do that!). Then he completely soaked through his outfit and I didn't have a spare (grumble, grumble, grumble, Aldi diapers, grumble), and Finch's diaper sagged to his knees with ripeness. 

By the time we got out, buying an 18" pizza for $14.99 seemed the most logical thing to do! (I have never seen a pizza so huge in Australia. I forgot they could even make them that big! In Sydney you spend that much money for a pizza 1/3 the size.) The Captain also got three "smoothies" and when Finch saw him carrying them, but he couldn't have one yet because there was no straw, he just lost it, falling down and crying inconsolably, the poor darling. People stared at the mother with three children (one wailing), the giant cart overflowing with bargain goods and a baby car-seat, and the man juggling a leaky infant and three smoothies. We were a sight. 

Saturday we recovered from Friday. It took us until 4 p.m. to make it into the city for the Salsa Festival. Each show featured costumes tinier than the last. At the final stage we watched an amazing Brazillian drum band, and then I saw the dancers queing up off stage. The paraded on in amazing feathered splendor (on their heads).

"Mom, why are those girls showing their bums?" from Sprout on my right.

"Mom! why can we see those girl's butts?" from Small Sun on the left.

"Well, they only had a little bit of material for their costumes and they wanted to make the amazing head-dresses, and they ran out of feathers to put down on the bottom of their costumes." I explained. 

After a thoughtful silence, Small Sun stated matter-of-fact-ly, "well, they did use enough to cover their hole." Ahem. Yes. Yes, they did.

We left the salsa festival (and the breezy bums) to enjoy dinner with friends at one of the few authentic Mexican restaurants in Sydney.

Sunday we went to church in the rain and shook our heads sadly with the seven other families whose weekend plans were also disturbed. 

That afternoon we snuggled in under piles of blankets to watch one of my all-time favorite movies from my childhood, The Black Stallion. The kids were talking the whole time, trying to figure out what was happening and what would happen next! The Captain and I looked over their heads at each other, the three of them snugged between us and the baby passing back and forth.

We put mattresses down that night and rigged up a tent with sheets and twinkle lights for a night of magical indoor camping. After baths and stories, snuggles, and prayers, we kissed them goodnight and admonished them to go to sleep. Nearly two hours later all three had been banished to their own beds, after insults were yelled, soft toys were thrown, and the twinkle lights were turned off. So much for a magical indoor-camping experience. Heh.

Today we returned to the couch store, to finalize our order, before going to the hardware store to buy a birthday present. Once home I escaped into my garden to try to find some sanity (my insides seem a bit wobbly from the noise and intensity level that comes with the school holiadys). After an hour of planting seeds, I walked with Small Sun and Sprout to a birthday party at a nearby friend's house. 

The long-weekend is over. It might not have been camping, but the staycation was colorful, productive, and relaxing at a couple points as well. And thankfully, "they did use enough to cover their holes."