More About Foster Care

When I went to Melbourne for Together for Adoption, I went to a session on Foster Care. Paul Magno, speaking from the perspective of a foster parent said (paraphrased),

People tell me all the time 'I could never do what you do. I could never love a child and then let them go.' I tell them, 'if you have an interest in providing foster care and that is the only reason you're not doing it, get over it. There are so many children who desperately need a stable family, you need to get the skills to help you cope because that is really a self-focused perspective.

I mean, I don't think I would say it to people quite like that, but I agree with what he said.

So here's what has been going on. When we were considering going to the States, our social worker encouraged us to go despite the fact that Baby could not come with us, and would have to stay with another foster-care family while we were gone.

To me this seemed like just a low-down, awful thing to do. How many biographies have I read where adults described their childhoods in foster care, and their foster families driving off for a week at the beach and leaving them behind with some scary old lady. I always hated the foster family for doing that to the poor child. I never even considered that there might be another side to that story, I only saw the painful side presented to me.

Now I know both sides are difficult. Even had we been able to gain approval to take Baby with us, we never could have secured a passport in time. When we discussed it together and with our case worker we all decided that we still need to do things that are important for our family, even if that sometimes means it is less than ideal for Baby. I mean, as a once-in-awhile super important thing, like this trip was. But making that decision was so hard, and I felt so guilty.

Two days before leaving we received a call saying "while things are not 100%, it is looking very likely that we will transition Baby to his long term placement while you are in the U.S. We'll let you know when we know. But, to be safe, pack up his things and say goodbye as a family."

I got the call while I was feeding Baby, and Finch was asleep downstairs (the big kids were at school and preschool). I'll be totally honest. I threw back my head and howled like a hurt animal. Suddenly the pain was right there, and I couldn't bear it. I help baby close and he got a pretty good tear bath. Then I had to leave to pick up the big kids, and I tried to calm my puffy eyes and avoid other parents.

The stress of packing for the trip, and preparing Baby for his new carers went into the stratosphere as I had to gather and wash and organize all of his belongings, fill out his Life Story book, compile all the photos and videos, and wrap his Christmas presents, as well as trying to help the children have meaningful moments with him.

Friday we delivered him to the office, for his case worker to take him. We had a special goodbye beforehand, and then some more hugs and kisses in the parking lot. When it was time to drive away the kids were nearly hysterical, and crying so hard.

Sprout said "I don't feel like I will ever be happy again. All I can think about is Baby!" and Small Sun wailed "I just want to stay in my bed all day, and not come out!" Finch was unfazed, but the other two were beside themselves. The plan was to deliver Small Sun to school late, and then Sprout to a friend's house so I could pack. By the time we reached school they had calmed into the quiet, sober sadness that hangs heavy in the air and presses against the car windows.

Small Sun wanted me to come in to explain to his teacher why he was late, and why he was sad. She has supported us on our journey and it was all I could choke out to tell her "we've just said goodbye to Baby" and she held the weight of the unspoken sorrow I couldn't utter with the strength in her eyes.

When we reached our friend for Sprout's play date, I stumbled through the door, into the arms of my friend, who immediately sprung to support me, and sat me down with a cup of tea until I had the strength to leave.

I packed. We left for America. We had a great time.

I missed Baby. I also felt relieved to have the distraction of the trip to get us through the hardest bit. I also flung myself headlong into the luxury of not having a baby to care for, and handing my own children over to my parents, while I spent full days with friends, and shopping.

Towards the end of the trip we still hadn't heard what had happened, but finally the news came back that we would be taking Baby back with us after all. It seems that people cannot commit to caring for a child whose health needs are unknown. I simultaneously loathe and understand that concern.

So Christmas Eve Baby came back with us. He was pounds heavier, and cute as ever. He really learned to eat solids while we were gone, and was really sleeping through the night.

In the first week back he had a bit of a rough time. Probably nothing other people would notice, but I could see he was unsettled. How could we drop him off and disappear? And then how could we casually drive up and snatch him away from another family that had learned to love him and cried at his departure?

Of course he was upset. He has every right to be.

And this is where I have to swear a little, because this is f*cked up. This Baby, this wonderful baby, should be in a home with a family that will love him forever and ever. I don't hate his parents. I don't hate the system. I hate the Evil in the world that tangles into our lives like seaweed rising from the sea floor. We are all doing the best we can for him, with the capacity that we have.

But things shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be shifted around. He shouldn't have to attach and re-attach. He should just be home. I don't know where home is, but I want it for him so badly. Every minute he is with us, he is missing time with "his people", whoever they are. I want permanence for him, and I know that you can't rush that, but I also know you can't delay too long without lasting consequence.

I approached Paul Magno after the session to get some advice from him, and upon hearing of our placement he said "you're in your first placement and it has lasted six months? Wow, you got a challenge right up front!" We are qualified as "short term carers" in New South Wales, which can mean any period from a few weeks to 1.5/2 years. So technically, Baby could be here for quite awhile longer, but for his sake, I hope he finds "home" soon.

Comments

I really struggled with the idea of leaving our placements when we had to go out of town, too. Thank goodness for us "going out of town" meant travelling from Iowa to Illinois.

When we took our first foster placement, my Aunt had been diagnosed with brain cancer about a month before, and where she had normally come to us for holidays, we had to go to her. At the last minute after not being able to find a respite family for our foster son, they approved last minute that he could go with us to Illinois for Thanksgiving.

He went home in April, we chose not to take any foster placements for a short time, and then got the call for a direct adoptive placement for Mea. When my Aunt passed a month after Mea came home, we had to get permission again, for her to travel with us.

Although, we may have been able to have her go to a respite care, after a month of her being home, I couldn't do it. Truthfully, having her there with us was a good distraction, it was so overwhelmingly emotional.

I hope that things continue to go smoothly for all of you and Baby. Any chance for permanent placement? Or is that even something that you would consider? I know things are much different there than they are here.

Posted by: Kelly | 02 January 2012 at 11:22 AM