Notes from Thursday

"Acting grown-up is hard. It is, it is." 

This blog post is brought to you by the movie "The Land Before Time" which I am "watching" with Finch at the moment. B is taking his morning nap (which I am SO thankful for), and I am multitasking.

Multitasking seems to be my new MO.

We are having a problem here. The problem is that B seems to have a super-human radar for picking up when I WILL NOT be able to hold him, and making a beeline to hold my legs, tear at my clothes, and throw himself around in hysteria until I pick him up.

Holding his hand doesn't cut it. Setting him next to me on the counter doesn't cut it. Holding him on my lap while I do things doesn't work either. Unless I set aside what I'm doing, pick him up and focus on him for several minutes, until he calms, and then continue to hold him, he continues in an absolute meltdown. This meltdown isn't a tempermental child meltdown, or a hungry or cranky child throwing a fit, this is a traumatized meltdown. 

In the morning I get up and I need to put on my clothes. The crying starts.

I need to make my bed. The volume increases.

I hold him on my hip to brush my teeth, but by the time I need both hands to wash my face, he is beyond gone. As I put on my makeup and brush my hair he is throwing himself on my legs, which results in banging his head on the cabinet, and falling hard on the tile floor.

Yesterday The Captain was gone to work before the kids got up and B cried hard from when we got up, until we were in the car on the way to school. I tried to hold him as much as I could, but I was getting four kids out the door. I couldn't hold him the whole time.

The meltdowns stress the other kids out. They start yelling and fighting, and the whole atmosphere of the house becomes really tense. 

This morning, after The Captain left for work, we had about 20 minutes left before the school run. I ended up crying on the floor, trying to put on my shoes while B pummelled and stratched me, wanting me to stand up and rock him instead of offering to hold him on my lap while I put my shoes on.

The rest of the day goes better. That is, unless I need to wash the dishes. Meltdown.

Or make supper. Meltdown.

Or do homework with the big kids. Meltdown.

In between he does pretty well. We have built some nice moments laughing, tickling, playing, eating, and blowing bubbles. He loves to be outdoors, on walks, and in the park.

So there it is, that is what my house is like right now. With my mother in law returned home, I am pulling the daily load around here. 

I need help. I need a plan.

I am wondering if an Ergo carrier would be a good option? I could wear B on my back (he is a seriously chunky little dude, but I'd prefer the workout to the meltdown). Tag teaming the mornings with The Captain works well. It is when I'm on my own that things really spiral. 

I would really love suggestions, ideas, encouragement. I know this is all about attachment but that does't mean I know that I am doing the right thing, or that I have skin as thick as an elephant and this doesn't hurt me, or that I'm not worried about my other kids.

So book recommendations? Day spa reservations complete with total silence rooms, bring it on!

Comments

[Bron]

I have a toddler in foster care, and despite being here for a long time, he still needs to be held.........a lot. I used an Ergo for a while but then I discovered Woven Wraps (mine is a Girasol) and I never looked back. An Ergo is great for getting a toddler quickly on your back and holding them for a while but a Wrap is SOOOOOoooooo much more comfortable and distributes the weight more evenly so that I can wear my 12kg toddler for hours at a time. There is a learning curve, but once you've got it it's simple and you'll LOVE it!

http://tinokislings.com/category/woven_wraps/girasol_wraps/

I used youtube to find different ways of tying the wrap and to get my technique right, and now only use one method all the time. My toddler goes and gets the wrap and brings it to me now when he needs to be held and he knows I'm busy. I couldn't do it without my wrap now!

[Wendy Knight]

Absolutely no advice here, but I sure will be praying for you all.

[Amanda]

I have no suggestions... Encouragement I can give! For super serious, you are doing AWESOME! You don't have to be perfect, that was never a requirement. Crying on the floor sometimes (adult or child) is permitted. Hang in there. Ergo carrier sounds like a promising option...

[Kohana]

Bron, thanks so much for your suggestions! I tried the Ergo today and it made a big difference! I love that your toddler gets the wrap for you. What a beautiful way that he can express his needs and acknowledge your ability to help him. Please let me know if you write a blog, as I would love to follow it!

[Dani]

Just a couple quick ideas:

sometimes my toddler can be happy just closer to my level, so I put her in her high chair an pull it close to the sink or dishwasher, wherever I am.

Also, could you try a proxy like putting your shirt on the child or connecting the two of you with an ribbon or tie of some kind? Could you give the child something that represents you (robe, shirt, watch?) and set a timer so they can see the time ticking down until you can hold them? You could dash around making the bed and sorting piles of laundry for 3 minutes, hen 5 and then 10.

Finally, I have used my Moby wrap for my 20-pound 22-month old. I can snug her in close, so her weight does not throw off my center of gravity. She is small, but any wrap that brings the child closer to your center of gravity will let you hold them longer.

hang in there!

[AwkwardGrace]

B has already been through so much transition, I fully support the idea of a carrier or wrap of some kind (love our ergo). My heart aches as you describe his agony of being away from you--life doesn't stop for his trauma, but at least you can move around it by wearing him. All while getting a work-out and getting stuff done.

You are such a good mama, and whether he's with you for months or a lifetime--yours will be a lasting affect.