As a parent is there ever a time where you are just coasting along, everyone in the family is perfectly well, and you can just cruise? In my experience those times happen, but not very often. They are mostly moments, rather than seasons.
Right now I am spending a lot of time thinking about each of my children (permanent and temporary). While B's needs are loudly in my face, and tugging at my clothes, there are things happening with my other children that I am also preoccupied with.
Today I want to talk about Small Sun and adoption.
We are registered to attend the training seminar for Intercountry Adoption in November. Upon arriving home from Holland we learned that the Ethiopia program we were intending to pursue (even though it was temporarily on hold), has been officially closed. The Columbia program we considered (some Columbians have African heritage), has let us know we do not qualify for any of the programs. The local adoption program through foster care has discouraged us from applying because we are unsure we will be able to maintain the 4-6 a year, first family contact visits they require until the child is 18.
We still have adoption options, mainly Taiwan and Hong Kong, but none that seem to include a child with African heritage.
When I sat the children down to explain this turn of events, Small Sun burst into heart wrenching sobs. Having a sibling that shares his ethnicity in some capacity is deeply, profoundly important to him. He is seven and has felt this way for years.
What do I do? How do I know, on the level of important things in his life, how important this is?
I wish we could more easily see all the details of a child's heart to know what specifically they need, and how to provide it, assuming their needs are even things we have some measure of control over.
Living here, Small Sun is isolated in his adoption experience (we still don't know any other adoptees that could be his peers), and his ethnicity (he has one Jamaican/Caucasian friend who is three years younger than he is).
Our life is very diverse, but it does not reflect Small Sun's ethnicity. There are lots of children in our lives with brown skin, brown hair, and brown eyes, but to Small Sun, that doesn't matter because they don't share African heritage. They don't count in helping him feel surrounded and upheld by the community he identifies himself with.
I know I am opening myself up for criticism concerning our choices, but while your situation may contain different dynamics, I think this balancing act of parenting choices is one we can all identify with in some way.
How do you know how badly your child needs something, and how far do you go to meet that need*.
Small Sun wants more than a friend. He wants a sibling. He wants someone permanently in our family to share his experience being biracial with African roots in a white family. He can articulate it, he can ask for it, he can talk about it, he can voice it as a need he feels intensely.
What should we do, I wonder? Would working harder to find friend and role models who share African heritage or adoption address, if not satisfy this need?
If nothing changes in our adoption status and this need isn't met, how much will it impact him?
If we were able to adopt a child with African heritage, would Small Sun's expectations and anticipation of them meeting this need in him set them up for a strenuous sibling relationship?
If we did something extreme like moving back to the U.S., and could pursue adoption much more easily, and instantly be exposed to African American culture, have access to adoptee support, and proximity to birth family, would the net gain of those things outweigh leaving behind a happy life here? For Small Sun? For all of us?
What should we do?
That's what I'm stuck on.
So as I'm putting B in the Ergo carrier on my back for the morning effort of getting us out the door, I'm also thinking about Small Sun and what should we do, what should we do, what should we do?
Last night I lay in his bed with him as he fell asleep, cocooned as usual in a pile of pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals, with his face turned towards a picture of his birth family and his hand clutching a small soft blanket his birth mother made him. It is in those moments, nurturing your vulnerable child, that you feel you would do anything to make their world more happy, more secure, more right. If only the how was as clear as the desire.
*I think it should go without saying, that we WANT to adopt another child, period. We are not planning on adopting FOR Small Sun. Our decision to adopt is positive regardless, it is in WHO we adopt that we are really taking Small Sun's desires into consideration. I don't think it is ever fare to adopt a child to meet another person's needs. We want to adopt a child because of what we feel we can give them, by the grace of God, a life of love and security they might not have access to otherwise.
Yikes, what a set of tough decisions. To your little footnote about how it's not fair to adopt to meet another person's needs, it's also not fair to disregard your child's needs and it sounds like what SmallSun feels is closer to a need than a mere preference. (I know this is what you're saying; not disagreeing!) Just thinking of all of you.
Posted by: Thorn | 30 July 2012 at 04:04 PM
I am in awe of the issues and experiences you are dealing with. You outline everything so eloquently I doubt anyone will misunderstand you or (i hope) misjudge you. I so admire the way you are thinking so carefully through these difficult issues, taking into account the varied needs of your family. Will be praying the Lord will give you wisdom and answers as you earnestly seek to do the right thing - which you so obviously do. Much love.
Posted by: sarah b-d | 31 July 2012 at 08:09 AM