I think we are becoming those people that I never understood. Those people that were going, going, and going next to me while I was moving in slow motion.
We arrived back from Holland on Thursday morning (more on our trip later), and The Captain went to work Thursday afternoon and Friday. Saturday morning he left the house as six a.m. to fly to Melbourne for a colleague's wedding, returning home Sunday afternoon, just in time to help me do a quick house clean before Little B came with his carer to become familiar with our house again.
This morning we had a play date with three friends, and now we have an hour of downtime before going to pick B up to bring him home to stay with us. He'll be with us until his case is processed through court and he goes back to biological family, or finds a new forever family.
My MIL arrives at six a.m. tomorrow so The Captain will leave home at five to pick her up, bring her home, and head out to be at his 8:30 a.m. meeting in the city.
Before adopting Small Sun, and again before having The Sprout, the whole world came to a complete stop in anticipation of welcoming this little life. With Finch we slowed down, but had to just jump back onto the carousel with him.
With Baby A (foster child #1), we didn't even know he was coming! The preparation included running through Big W (Walmart) on the way home from school, tipping the entire contents of the baby aisles into our cart. He slept in a carseat next to our bed for some time!
For the girls (foster children #2,3), we made up their sleeping spaces, and laid out their clothes, and put appropriate baby food in the cupboard, and sterilized the bottles. As for life slowing down, it couldn't with two children in school! They just had to roll with us!
Now, with B (foster child #4), we've had some time to plan for him. We've made him his own bedroom with art on the walls, handmade crib bedding, and drawers full of toys. The diapers, wipes, and clean clothes are all in the cupboard. We are on school holiday for the rest of the week so the time will be his to adjust.
All these placements are temporary, and according to The Rules, none of these children will end up staying in our family. Even so, I have this feeling each time that I have to savor every moment. What if, somehow, this child eventually became mine and I hadn't given due gravity to the meeting, the transition, the entrance to the family?
It kind of messes up my head and my heart. Yesterday we were hurried and tired, and felt like taking naps, but I kept thinking "what if this is 'the night before B joined our family'". Talking to his carer, my ears strained for details and I thought "what if these are the clues I have about his history, and his life before us?"
I have to hold these children very loosely in the hand. They are not mine. I do not make the decisions for their futures. They are coming and going and experiencing many things that I would not be comfortable with if they were "my" kids. I can offer an opinion when it is requested, but I defer, I support, I love and let go.
If they were my children I would fight, I would circle the caravans, I would go on lock down to make attachment the priority, I would recognize the awe of all the"firsts" within the family.
How do you plan family vacations when you don't know how long a child will be staying?
Do I imagine B's presents under the Christmas tree? Do I get him a stocking?
Do I let him all the way into my heart?
I never know how long they'll stay. I never know what loving them will require. I never know if I'll be able to do it. I never know how hard it will be at goodbye. I never know what happens next.
All I know is that in twenty two minutes we'll get in the car, and I'll rearrange the seats to put one more car seat in, and tonight there will be a highchair at the table, and a new little boy sitting in it. Past that, I just don't know.
It is hard, isn't it? Wrecks havoc on your heart.
When D was with us, I always planned as if he were going to be with us, and prepared myself as if he weren't. I kept receipts and tags on things I bought, like for Christmas, birthdays, etc., because I never knew how much longer it would last.
Posted by: Kelly | 17 July 2012 at 09:30 AM