Today is the last day of the Term 3 school holidays, and tomorrow Small Sun and Sprout will put on their uniforms, and head back to school for Term 4. Term 4 will be rather short, so we are on the downhill stretch of the year. I imagine us on a billy cart, coasting down a steepening hill, losing control, and falling, headlong, into the summer holidays. Then we can clean up the mess we made on the way down. Then we can recover from the ride. Then we will spend days in the sun, recovering from the year, and ready to start another.
I was thinking this morning about something I felt God speak to my heart about two years ago. I saw a picture like a road sign, indicating an upcoming sharp bend in the road. The Lord was speaking to me about being courageous, and pressing forward, even when I didn't know the way.
I wondered at those words all that year, looking for the turn in the bend, and wondering what I would need courage for.
Now I am not hearing fresh and new "notes from God". At the moment I feel like I have my fingers in my ears saying "la la la!" because I just can't handle anything else! I am struggling.
Last weekend we went camping with friends. In a mix-up with a borrowed tent, we ended up four hours from home, with four road-weary children, and a tent with no poles. It was one of those moments where everyone is ready to start the holiday and have fun, so there just wasn't time to get upset over it. We discussed buying a tent, or trying to book a cabin. We ended up in a vintage caravan, where the kids were overjoyed to sleep in built-in bunks, and I was overjoyed to have a little kitchen and our own bathroom. It was like my Boxcar Children fantasies come true!
The Captain took the kids with him and I had an hour of playing house, setting up our caravan for the weekend. It was so much fun.
We were there with one of Small Sun's best mates from school, and his family, who have become good friends. Small Sun and H spent most of every day riding around the campground on their bikes. They even swam in the freezing pool one day (don't you think Small Sun's diving style is noteworthy?).
Sprout and H's little sister, with Finch tagging along behind, spent hours in the playground, digging in the dirt, drawing and painting, and playing pretend.
Driving up, I was just so excited to have four! whole! days! with my husband and my kids. Four unstructured days! We spent hours sitting around in our camp chairs with our friends, eating, chatting, and enjoying the sunshine. It was so refreshing.
One day we took a long walk to the edge of the land we were camping on, to see the lake. B fell asleep on The Captain's back in a matter of minutes, and when Finch grew tired, The Captain carried him as well.
One major component in this weekend was that B was happy most of the time! He loved being outdoors, playing on the playground, going to the beach, he loved it all! He was fun, and cute and we enjoyed him. We enjoyed him.
I feel like our happy little family has been hijacked by this two year old. On one hand I can have so much empathy for all that he's been through, and just want to love him through it. On the other hand I feel upset that I am stretched so thin in that caring, that I am not mothering with the qualities I want, and my kids are feeling the stretch.
These two and a half months have been SO HARD, but this weekend was SO FUN.
I mentioned to The Captain that I have been so focused on helping B attach to us, that I forgot that we could attach to him! I've just been in "fake it till you make it" mode, but the weekend held some really sweet moments.
We are getting a clear indication of the time line this case will follow, and what some possible outcomes may be. Having an end-date in sight (even if it months away), is helping me dig deep to try to do the best that I can, while B is with us.
I don't feel strong or successful, or "called" or like I am "making a difference". I feel fatigued, and stressed, and like a failure.
This morning at church someone asked how B is doing on his new medication and they said "he seems so happy!". I felt invisible, having just sat several meters away from them as B hit and kicked me, and I struggled to hold him while he flailed.
We're in the downhill stretch. Things are easier this month than we were last month. We will make it. This may be a "thin" season, but fat seasons will follow. Before we know it there will be Sprout's birthday! and Thanksgiving! and Christmas! and a giant road trip to Melbourne! and summer and all that holds in our wonderful Sydney.
We can do this.
Comments