Love Creeps In

Sometime in the last week I realized that I've started to love little B. 

I read an article provided by our adoption agency while I was working there as a volunteer - previous to Small Sun's adoption. The article was written by an adoptive mother who expected to fall head over heals in love with her new baby, and didn't. Her advice was to fake it till you make it, and one day you'll find that love has grown while you weren't looking for it.

Early on with B I decided that is what I would do. He is a gorgeous boy, but it has been hard for me to feel affection for him with all the drama that has come into our house with his presence. 

Little B has been with us for four months now. I have been very open in real life, and online, with the fact that taking care of him has been really hard. I so believe in transparency in parenting. I want people to know that it is okay to say "this is hard and I'm struggling", without taking away from the beauty and joy that comes in parenting as well. Saying "this is hard" doesn't mean "I wish I wasn't doing this." 

For me, to verbalize the challenge is to take it out of the shadowed, stressed areas inside me, and to let it fly free and away. It helps to keep me accountable, and it helps me receive help.

I have committed to doing my very best for B, in the months that he is here, even if I am struggling. Somewhere along the line, I guess things changed. I find my hugs and cuddles to be coming from a genuine affection, even though I've been giving them all along.

Sometimes B is sitting behind me in the car and saying "hug" and then blowing kisses. There is incredible sweetness coming out of him now.

I also noticed in the last couple weeks that while their relationship was fraught with competition and battling early on, Finch and B have developed a really chummy friendship that will be a real loss when it is time to separate.

Foster care can be so emotionally rattling. B still throws daily tantrums, hits me, and can be downright naughty, but we have all really grown to love him anyway. He is more than his behavior, and his behavior stems from his early life experiences, which he had no control over. 

The court dates where B's future placement will be decided loom on the calendar less than a month away. This week I realized with a choking catch in my throat, that I will not just be relieved when he goes. I will grieve. I will miss him. I will worry for his future. Just like it was with little A, I will be releasing a child that I have been mothering, as best I can. It will hurt.

Caring for him has been so hard, but letting him go will hurt.

I've started the conversation with the kids, trying to help them understand the time line of his transition. "Before we go away for Christmas, we will probably know where B will be living after he leaves our house. After New Years he will start having visits with his new placement to help him get used to them. By the time we start school again, he will probably have moved."

I thought the silence in the backseat meant that they were busy reading Where's Wally and didn't hear me, but the choked sound in their voices let me know that they had.

"Why do we take care of B?" Finch asks me frequently. "Because he needs us." I say.

He needs us, but when he goes, we'll all grieve. Again. And hope he has an amazing life ahead of him.

 

 

Comments

[Kelly]

I remember only too well feeling this same exact way with D our foster son. When he went home, my heart hurt in ways I wasn't prepared for.

I sent him a small scrapbook that I had made form him, paper and envelopes with postage that had our address on them. We haven't heard from him since that day he left April 20, 2007. I am sure his grandmother threw the paper and envelopes away. I hope that they let him keep the scrapbook of memories from when he was with us.

[Kohana]

Our first foster child continued on to a placement that we were very happy with. It was a great outcome. I don't know if/how I will be able to handle it if we are ever in a situation where we feel like our foster child is going to an unsafe/unsuitable placement.

In general, I assume the time with us will be wiped away/forgotten once the child is in their long-term setting. I think I am okay with that, as long as I feel like I've done my part for them well. I'm sorry you haven't heard anything from/about D. That must be really hard.