Growing Family

Code Switching

 

Code switching, for those of you who don't know, refers to a person's ability to change the language they are speaking, or the dialect they are speaking within one setting. For my husband, code switching is talking to him mom in Dutch on Skype, and then switching to English when the kids join him. I guess you could call my ability to change my vernacular based on whether I am speaking to an American or an Aussie code switching, but that probably doesn't count.

The Key and Peele clip above perfectly illustrates the kind of code switching that is going on in our house the most these days.

Small Sun is finally in an environment at school where is he surrounded by Black kids. Within weeks of school starting, his bouncy walk took on a swagger, and he mastered the "sup?" nod.

Several months in, he is starting to respect his sister's decision that she doesn't like being called "guuurrrrrllllll" all the time.

Here we are, in the midst of a transracial parenting learning curve, and I don't know what to do. I am happy that he is in an environment where he is learning some skills to blend in, and I honestly think that learning this style of speaking is an important one.

At the same time, when he was speaking that way at our (all white) holiday family gatherings, I felt uncomfortable, and had to choose not to correct him. I think I feel like it's fine to talk that way with his friends at school, but in an all white setting, I become uncomfortable.

Is that prejudice on my part? Perhaps.

Is it knowing that in reality, he won't be able to advance in life if he presents himself that way in a job interview or application process? Hm.

Because I am white, and I am not fluent enough in Black American culture, I do not know how this works, and I don't know what Small Sun needs to learn. I don't know how to encourage his budding exploration of language and dialect and style, while also teaching him how to present himself to get ahead.

I know he is 8, and not applying for jobs, but the whole idea of code switching is knowing when to switch, reading your environment and knowing which code to use. 

I suppose all parenting presents dilemmas and learning curves where you find yourself at a loss, without all the answers. This is one, particular to transracial parenting, when the family is lacking close friends of color who are willing to act as mentors and guides. 

While I struggle to find all the answers, I can find comedic relief in the challenge. Thank you, Key and Peele.

 

 

 

My Kids Are...

Dutch

American (and African American)

Australian 

Raising kids this way is so fun and also challenging. I used to be so obsessed with working towards my children being able to "pass" in each of the cultural environments they are tied to. At this point it has just gotten to0 messy, and complicated, and they are so wonderfully complex that I've just thrown up my hands and shifted to enjoying who they are and this amazing life we're living.

Recently a university student studying child development spent a term observing Small Sun. At the conclusion of her observation she gave me a copy of her final report and the following (paraphrased for length) observation was included.

A Trip Overseas

Small Sun, Sarah* and Emmy* were at the pirate area in the back of the yard..."We need a map", Small Sun told the girls. He grabbed a clipboard with some paper and started drawing a map of where they were going to go, marking the stop offs with an X. When Sarah asked Small Sun what the X's were for, he replied "this one's a gas station, this one's a busy road, and this one is Australia." Small Sun then noticed that there were street maps in the area. He pointed to a spot on the map and said "look, the Opera House."

I then asked Small Sun where they were heading. "Australia" he replied...I was surprised and thought I would ask where they were now if they were going to Australia. Small Sun had a quick think and said "Russia." I asked the children if they thought that we could drive all the way from Russia to Australia by car. This made them think...

Small Sun turned to Sarah with a pleased look on his face and said "I think we need to put wings on this car." Sarah looked a little puzzled and asked "why?" 

"Cause we have to go overseas" Small Sun said simply.

It was finally time to make the trip to Australia...Small Sun was looking at the maps when he turned to us and said "when we get to Perth we go overseas, then we go to Melbourne and go on the busy road." The actual trip from Russia to Australia itself wasn't a very long one. They had a few bumps along the way but they finally landed in Australia safe and sound with the flying car in one piece.

What the student took away from her observation as interesting and important, was the childrens' imagination, sharing of knowledge and ideas, cooperation, communication and building skills, as well as Small Sun's interest in the maps.  I took something else away from reading her notes.

Small Sun is five. He understands that we live in Sydney, a city in the country of Australia. Also that we are from America which takes one whole day of flying to reach. Also that Pappa is from Holland which is a country in Europe, and is across the water from England, where his friend M lives. He can recognize pictures of New York city, where his Auntie lives, and he can differentiate between the American city where he was born, and the American city where his first family now lives. He knows about Bangladesh because his cousins were going to move there, and also about Tanzania because that is where they'll actually be. He knows you can't walk from Russia to Australia, yo, because there's a whole lotta water in between!

The Captain recently went to Holland with Sproutje (sprout-ya - little sprout), and now whenever anyone is travelling she asks "are you going to Kuala Lumpur?" because in the last two trips to Holland, we've stopped through. How many three year olds have Kuala Lumpur in their vocabulary?

My kids know that we speak two languages, but that mommy doesn't like to read books in Dutch and if you want to read a long book in Dutch, ask Pappa. They translate The Captain's speaking to their friends if he forgets to switch to english. 

They're swiftly taking on an Aussie-English vocabulary and I had to translate things for Small Sun when we were in the States in June. Now we have an American staying with us and I am having to translate between her and them when things are unclear. 

They know how to Skype and about time zones. They know email gets there fast but post mail takes some time. 

I can't sort and stack and compartmentalize these children into neat little categories, checking off the boxes to make sure each column of identity is full. This is a different kind of life and we are just rolling with it!

 

School, Revisited

We are really needing to make a decision about where to send Small Sun for school next year. The school year begins in February and we are already way behind in applying for private schools. We are just coming to the conclusion that this is actually what we want to do, and I'm feeling a bit panicked that we've left it too long.

Choosing a school here is a bit tricky for me. Maybe some of you remember what happened when we first got here and I toured a local school. The more I talk to Australians (both anglo/caucasian or non-anglo), the more I am starting to believe that my child is much less likely to have negative experiences in school directly related to his African American heritage. That is, it seems that even if he was in a majority-anglo school, he would probably have a very different experience than if he was in a majority-caucasian school in the States. (Is anyone else stumbling over all of this descriptors? I can hardly keep everyone's politically correct language straight these days!)

However, even if my son is not as likely to experience racism or prejudice, I still don't think that being in a homogeneous environment where he is the odd one out, is what I want for him.

I have a lovely, amazing friend who is a wonderful teacher. Seriously, this chick is devoted. On a recent trip together, a group of us were chatting and she relayed a story from her classroom. In her class she has one child whose skin is much darker than the child's peers. In the class picture, against the dark background, this child didn't show up. She felt so horrified to have made this mistake, and in the future will always make sure to have the students in front of a contrasting background. She never meant to make the child feel awkward. And while the classmates didn't tease this child, they did have a laugh at the teeth and eyes floating in the darkness of the photo. Not maliciously, but because they are kids and they thought it was funny. But she was mortified, and felt so badly for that mistake. 

I have actually read several accounts by adults, describing their experiences as darker-skinned children in lighter-skinned families/school environments where similar situations occurred and they felt embarrassed, humiliated, alienated, etc. See, my passion to have my kids in a diverse school environment isn't just about racism. I know kids self-segregate and that being in a diverse school doesn't mean they are going to be singing "We Are The World" at graduation. I just think that a school where there are lots of kids of different shades, different nationalities, and balancing home culture and language with Australian pride, just makes more sense for our family. We are, after all, Dutch-American-Australian with two languages and two colors represented in our family*. It can be a lot for a small child to carry around in their backpack.

So right now we're looking at two schools.

Option A is public, local (walkable), highest rated academics in the area, good sport fields, majority anglo middle-upper class socio-economic demographic.

Option B is private (yet affordable), Christian, 15 minute commute, Spalding method literacy program, no sport fields (use local parks, which is normal here for many schools), very diverse both culturally and socio-economically.

And while our proximity to School A is really great, we're in a rental property, and were we to buy, we would most likely be buying in the neighborhood of School B, given local housing prices.

True to form, I am having trouble making this decision from where I am standing now. My mind spins off to ask "Where can we afford to buy? Shouldn't we register for school there? Can we afford to live in Sydney long term? What about moving to California? Should we home-school so we can travel? I don't want to home-school. How long will we be in Australia? Maybe we should move up the coast where we could afford a house and live by the beach? What is going to happen with The Captain's work? Can we afford private school for three children? Three children? Wait, we're meant to have more! How are we going to get the other children into our family if we're in Australia?" And at that point my head is spinning and steam is pouring out my ears and I am holding the school enrollment forms and applications, completely overwhelmed.

Please tell me that this decision is only this hard the first time you make it and that after it is done, each year just follows along like a duck in a row. I'm giving myself about two more weeks to get the forms in, knowing that each day I wait, we'll be farther down the list of applicants for private school. Sometimes you just do what you can and pray for the best outcome.

*To be fair, I am really starting to see now that even when I pan an environment and is looks very "light" to me, there is still a lot of diversity represented. Biracial children, immigrants, etc. So even our local school is likely to have children balancing multiple identity factors, even if it looks homogeneous at face value. That's something that I love more and more about Sydney.

It's Raining and I'm Thinking of Holland

I realize I haven't written about Holland or the Dutch aspect of our family much, other than some pictures from Sinterklaas. A couple different things have me thinking in that direction lately, so if you'll indulge me in some puttering about that topic.

First of all, I'm seeing something of a transition in our children's bilingual language development. Small Sun can clearly distinguish now between Dutch and English. He will ask me "why did you say that in Dutch?" or ask me about words like "coleslaw", which is literally the Dutch word for cabbage, "kol" and the Dutch word for salad "sla". The Sprout is still in the stage that Small Sun used to be in, where she mixes Dutch and English together when she's talking, and doesn't have the awareness that they are two different languages. She prefers certain Dutch words, like Small Sun did at that stage, but English words make up the vast majority of her vocabulary.

The Captain has started using more complex Dutch, in talking to Small Sun, and sometimes Small Sun will ask clarifying questions if he doesn't understand a word or a concept. He is still very resistent to speaking Dutch and we've only just begun to insist he answer a question in Dutch, or repeat a phrase when asked. We feel that we've given him long enough to listen, and now we need to begin to encourage him to speak.

In the U.S., the Dutchness of our family was typically overlooked. Here where we are surrounded by so many other migrants, I think we are able to hold onto that part of our identity a bit more. I always identify our children as Dutch-American to new friends (when discussing where we've moved from, etc) and am trying to establish recognition for that part of our family identity, as equal to our American identity.

We are at the end of a straight week of rain here in Sydney. Last Sunday it was 40 (104) degrees. That evening the temperature dropped 30 Farenheit degrees and the rain started pouring. It has been steady in the low 70s(F) and wet ever since, and we're looking at another week of the same. This wet, grey, chilly weather during summer has got me thinking about Holland as well.

While we are not planning anything (and no relatives should put any stock in what I am about to write!), I have been thinking about living in Holland lately. I have always been more interested in moving back to Holland than The Captain, but we both have a number of concerns about living there. Lately I've been wondering how we can raise our children to really be Dutch-American as opposed to simply having a Dutch dad. The story we hear over and again here is people who can understand but not speak their parents' language...who enjoy their parents' food, but don't know how to cook the family recipes, etc. I am completely convinced that the best way to really know a language and culture is through immersion. I am starting to feel that despite our best efforts to preserve our Dutch heritage, without actually spending some time living in Holland, our children will have trouble operating in Dutch language and culture.

I've always felt a certain amount of concern when I've thought about taking Small Sun to live in Holland, where we might have difficulty finding an environment where he isn't isolated as a person of color. If you've ever travelled to Holland, I'm sure you've seen lovely people with nearly white blond hair and the bluest eyes. While there is a lot of diversity in Holland, there is also a lot of lovely creaminess! When I am in Holland I feel we blend fairly well in Amsterdam or Haarlem, but when we leave the big city centers, we start to really stand out.

It's only lately that I've begun to wonder if potential challenges in regards to being highly visible might be outweighed by the benefit of gaining the skill to operate effectively in a second language and culture? Every once in awhile I remember that the fact that our family was Dutch-American, intentionally bi-lingual, and planning on living abroad was one of the main things Small Sun's first mother said was important to her in choosing us. I get so focused on wondering how the transitions will affect Small Sun, that I forget that these opportunities were very important to her. So I've been wondering if we might spend some time in Holland after all, with the main focus being to really solidify Holland in our children's identities.*

Besides all that, I'm forgetting what real cheese tastes like! So, that's a bit of an update on the role that Holland is playing in our household, and conversations these days.

*I read (and heard first hand) from several adult adoptees how they so disliked being expected to embrace a culture that wasn't their's, and I think I accepted that to be true for all adoptees and assumed that Small Sun might not want to identify very much with Dutch heritage since he is not linked to it genetically. The shift that is happening in my thinking these days, is seeing connection to Dutch heritage as opportunities for him to grow as a whole person. Being comfortable in a second language and culture is a valuable thing. He is free to establish, and change, and change again, his identity as he grows. Being Dutch may or may not make the final cut into his adult identity, but along the way I hope he gains experiences and skills that contribute to his success and confidence in life.

Living in "Diversity" - What does it even mean?

As the move draws closer, (62 days left, but who's counting?) I've been thinking about the potential affect on Small Sun specifically and all of our children in general.

The word "diversity" seems to be a blanket that gets thrown wide to cover all sorts of ideas and ideals. In moving to Sydney we are moving to a city with greater statistical cultural and linguistic diversity but what will that mean for our lives? Small Sun will be leaving a city that is roughly 26% Black, and a place where he has Black friends, to a city where his ethnicity doesn't even show up on the census.

We want to live in a "diverse" city in that we want to be closer to a wider variety of languages, religions, and cultures, but in so doing we are potentially alienating our son from his heritage. How will that affect him?

What will it be like to go to school where there are children from many different backgrounds in the class, but none of them share his ethnicity? We have been told there are many mixed-race families and children so he will have that commonality, but how much will he relate to a friend with a Chinese-Australian parent and a European-Australian parent?

I am also concerned about the injustice that has occurred between the Aboriginal people and the European Australians. Will Small Sun be perceived as mixed-race Aboriginal? If so, how will that affect society's reaction to him as part of our family?

From my understanding (and small amount of experience), Australians are like the Dutch in their direct way of stating an opinion or asking a question. I am trying to prepare for questions and statements. I am trying to thicken my skin in anticipation.

In one way I think living outside of America (and especially the American South) will be advantageous to Small Sun. I hope he will have more opportunity to define his Blackness on his own terms, instead of coming under the weight of cultural expectation. At the same time, the assumptions about who he should be as a Black male may be even more stereotypical in OZ, if all they're seeing is American TV representations.

What if we choose a neighborhood where we are in the minority, but that majority ethnicity isn't necessarily keen about our family? I think as educated white people we have this ideal of living in diversity and we assume that everyone wants that. I think even in trying to reach out, we have walls all around us in the shape of mis-assumption and mis-application of ideals.

While I'm preparing the details of the move, the ramifications of the move are also rolling around in my head like golf balls in a shipping container. I guess someone should ask me about it in a year and I might have learned something.

Why Sydney?

Now that there's a visa on the table and it looks like we might actually be going, the questions are coming fast and furious. It's been so long in the offing, I don't think people actually believed we'd go.

So why Sydney? Why now?

1. Sydney has greater ethnic and cultural diversity than London or Paris.
2. The BEACH and a killer climate
3. A metropolitan city is where we want to be
4. The lure of adventure
5. English language
6. 31% of the population is migrants
7. Two companies doing development work that The Captain has been lusting at for years
8. A wide open job market for The Captain, full of challenges
9. Access to the Pacific Rim
10. The potential to live/work/move to Asia

1. The relative ease of getting up and going now verses when our children are in school
2. We've been trying to move for years and things are finally lining up

The Captain is Dutch and spent his early childhood in Germany living on a compound with families from several different countries. He could speak about 4 languages with his friends there. Even though he loved going to school in Amsterdam, Holland was too small for him.

My family moved to St. Petersburg, Russia, when I was 14. We lived there for a year. I've been all over the CIS, lived in Holland, and traveled to about 20 countries at last count.

We were born for adventure. We have the means to make this happen right now. We want our children to grow up exposed to other languages, cultures, and religions. While we've loved it here, and it's been a good season in our lives, it is time for us to unbuckle the Bible Belt.

Don't get me wrong - we love you all and we'll miss you terribly, but there's a great big world out there and we've just got to go explore it for awhile.

Small Sun Speaks Dunglish

Ever heard of a "slank". That's what Small Sun gets when he combines slang and snake.

Then there's "sje" which is the current affirmative response utilizing both ja and yes.

Why bother code switching when you can create language fusion?

The other day I overheard Small Sun telling the Sprout "the man bye-bye, the man weg". I guess he's still unsure which language she's speaking, but then again, so are we. Her current repertoire consists mostly of "gagagaga" and "mamamama", the latter cried pleadingly as she scoots as fast as she can after me when I leave the room.

Discovering Bilingualism

The other night at dinner Small Sun was looking in his cup and saying "vis, vis" and The Captain asked "vies?" (dirty?) and SS replied "no, vis" (fish) and began making the o noises imitating a fish. I'm amazed at how he's beginning to sort out our two languages and the homophones (two words that sound the same but have different meanings) that occur between them. Another example is "pet" which means hat in Dutch.

I've been explaining our bilingual communication to Small Sun for a couple months now. When discussing a new word I'll say, both in Dutch and in English "mama says cheese, pappa says kaas/ mamma zegt cheese en pappa zegt kaas". Lately he's started adding his own opinion on what language the baby is speaking. I think most of the time he tells me that she's speaking Dutch.

Tonight when we saw the raccoons the Captain introduced "wasbeer", which was a new word for Small Sun. The Captain explained that he says wasbeer, but mama says raccoon. Small Sun was insistent that the animals were "kalkoen" (turkeys!). Raccoon, kalkoen...they rhyme.

There are also lots of words that are spelled differently, are pronounced similarly, and mean the same thing. Like boter and butter, beer and bear, water and water, slaap and sleep.

So far I'm very pleased with how Small Sun's dual language acquisition is coming along. He is still speaking Dutch to English speakers, but other people are starting to recognize when he is addressing them in Dutch and not just "baby talk". Both his languages still require the mom translator a lot of the time.

I wonder when the Sprout will start speaking? I'm assuming that it will be earlier than Small Sun, given her gender and second child status...but you never know!

The Language Explosion

Cloudscome said she was interested in Small Sun's language acquisition so I thought I'd write a little something about that.

In our house I speak English nearly all the time with the kids. The Captain speaks ONLY Dutch with them. Our family often speaks Dutch when we are out in public because it gives privacy to our conversations, and it makes me look really cool in front of my friends. Ha.

The week before we went to Holland Small Sun was gaining a lot of new words. He also started putting some words together, which he hadn't really done before.

In Holland he was hearing a lot of new words and he was repeating everything over and over. Of course our family was excited that he could say things in Dutch so they kept encouraging him, which made him use Dutch words even more. By the end of the week he was using sentences like "Oma, auto, bye bye" which described Grandma getting in her car and us saying "bye bye" and waving.

In school (I studied child development) we learned that children raised in bilingual households "code mix" when they are learning to speak. That is, they use words from both languages, sometimes in the same sentence. Children as young as two years old begin to understand that the two languages are separate, at which point they "code switch", speaking the appropriate language to the appropriate parent, for example.

Small Sun has been behind his peers in language acquisition and I've long thought that our bilingual household might have something to do with it. He is learning two words for everything, and hearing two different languages, each with a unique set of rules. First I saw a leap ahead in his English language acquisition, and then a rocket ahead with his Dutch. He is still code mixing most of the time, but at least once he asked me first "auto?" and then repeated "car?".

I am always amazed when the Captain is carrying on a conversation with Small Sun in Dutch, using vocabulary that I don't know. I am amazed at how rapidly vocabulary is gained. Small Sun is getting in weeks what I have worked years to gain.